Republicans have declared war on Big Bird.
If you need yet another example of how utterly and absolutely insane what's left of the Grand Old Party has become, you need look no further than Ted Cruz:
Fun fact: the Australian army once went to war against emus. Yes, emus.
The Aussies were experienced combat troops armed with machine guns.
Emus are giant murder chickens what look something like an ostrich crossed with Bloom County's Bill The Cat. They have dispositions that are most charitably described as a steady diet of those amphetamines' the Nazis used to make stormtroopers into murderous psychopaths.
Spoiler: The emus won. Against machine guns.
I don't know what species Big Bird is, but he looks a bit like a cassowary and those things will kill ya dead and then kick the shit out of what's left just for fun.
As someone who grew up around geese, which are essentially the closest thing to modern day velociraptors, I'd say maybe rethink this attack on the big bird.
Then again, you can sort of see Ted Cruz's point.
I mean, Sesame Street teaches kids about reading, critical thinking, how to be nice to each other, hygiene...
...spelling...
Imagine being mad at a kid's show, because it promoted the very cornerstone of modern medicine and disease prevention by suggesting that getting a vaccine is safe, effective, not scary, and the smart thing to do.
The US once led global efforts to develop vaccines and eradicate pandemic diseases such as smallpox and polio. Republicans were once proudly on the forefront of efforts by the US government to establish mass vaccination campaigns against common diseases here at home up to and including producing TV shows, radio programs, and written material specifically designed for kids. Hell, Donald Trump himself once touted development of this very vaccine and claimed personal credit for it. But decades of relentless hate radio, for-profit hate religion, and fanatical hate politics treated as if those are rational viewpoints instead of the fact-free lunatic ideology they are, have turned conservatism into nothing but a bunch of frothing red-faced bulging-eyed spittle-flecked raging paste-eaters.
And now they're mad at Big Bird.
Trump may be the Fool King, but Ted Cruz is their clown prince.
Speaking of Texas and paste-eating, a contingent of what passes for the Republican Party nowadays gathered in Dallas last week for the return of...wait
JFK Jr?
Yes, that's right. The second coming of John Fitzgerald Kennedy, Junior.
Son of the late president. Died in a plane crash in 1999 at the age of 38.
That JFK Jr.
A large bunch of QAnon believers -- which I am increasingly hard pressed to separate from the rest of Republicans and so I won't bother anymore -- showed up in Dealey Plaza, surrounding the big white X marking the spot where President Kennedy was assassinated, waiting for the Q prophesized return of John Junior.
See, they apparently believe in a QAnon conspiracy theory which goes: Kennedy Junior faked his own death and spent 20 years in hiding so that he can reemerge in 2021 (SURPRISE!) to be Donald Trump's Vice President when Trump is reinstated (SURPRISE AGAIN!) as America's president because, according to QAnon, who is totally not just some random 14-year-old shitposter from 8-chan, everything that happened after 1871 is illegal and unconstitutional because something something My Pillow Guy gazpacho (SURPISE HAHA!) and therefore Joe Biden's presidency is totally for sure illegal and anyway once Trump is president again he'll step down and Kennedy Junior will then be president and will naturally appoint (MORE SUPRISES!) disgraced lunatic general Mike Flynn his vice president so Trump can go on to be -- I swear I am not making this up -- "King of Kings" as foretold in the Book of Revelation.
If this doesn't work, Plan B is that Trump will have to run for president like any other schmoo in 2024 and JFK Jr will then be his running mate -- because even if Kennedy is in fact an actual desiccated corpse dead and rotting for 20 years, he'd still be more personable, charismatic, and fresher smelling than Mike Pence.
So, anyway, there they were, in Dealey Plaza last week, waiting for Junior to arrive.
And so he did.
You saw it, right? The moment came and suddenly there he was! Flash! Thunder! The earth split open and there he was! That's right, John Fitz Junior, back from the dead! You can see it on the tapes in glorious technicolor! There was a moment of stunned silence, then the crowd went wild with cheers! USA! USA! QANON! QANON! Ken-a-DEE! Ken-a-DEEEEE! Junior looking around, his thick dark hair perfectly styled, his handsome face splitting in a wide smile...
...to revel inch long fangs! Holy shit! There's a price for immortality and that price is the flesh of the living! OMG! OMG! RUUUUUN! Then the screams and the blood...
Well, that's how it would have happened if they let me write it.
What's that?
Over the top?
Heh heh. Yeah.
You want to talk over the top? You wanna talk horror show? You wanna talk about the flesh eating shambling undead?
Let's talk about Republican reaction to Joe Biden's Infrastructure Plan.
There it is, Joe Biden's communist takeover of America.
Roads are communism, folks.
Roads. Are. Communism.
Roads, Bridges, highways, passenger and freight railroad, public transit, transportation technology, broadband, public works, schools, airports, the electric grid, water systems, sewage systems, all communism, apparently.
And you thought the bird thing was stupid, right?
Modern Republicanism is the most morally bankrupt of ideologies.
Call it the McConnell Doctrine.
Republicans would rather burn the entire nation to the ground and squat in the ashes if passing legislation means all of us benefit rather than just them, just their party and ideology.
That was why Republicans under Trump never could themselves craft infrastructure legislation -- or, for that matter, deliver their long promised healthcare plan.
Because they couldn't figure out how to do so in a way that it only benefited them and no one else.
The only legislation Republicans have been able to pass these last few years is that which penalized and criminalized the people they hate. They literally couldn't do anything else and they've reached the point where they never will.
They would literally cut off their own nose just to own the libs.
The Party Of Lincoln, that Grand Old Party, has become The Party of Anti-Reality, of Trump, of Limbaugh, of unwashed, science-denying window-licking lunatics and proudly deluded fools who declare war on puppets and who gather in the street to unashamedly share their ridiculous insanity.
The very name, Republican, has become a cruel jape.
These people are no longer defenders, or even citizens, of The Republic.
They are the howling barbarians at the gate.
Sadly, the least believable part of that QAnon conspiracy theory is that Trump would voluntarily step down.
ReplyDeleteI saw the story about the gathering in Dealey Plaza on social media, but I would not have believed it if I hadn't seen the webcam live with my own eyes. Surely there are some QAnon junkies for whom this was a bridge too far? A come to Jesus moment? The boy who cried wolf once too often?
ReplyDeleteLike, if JFK, Jr. was going to reappear he'd chose the place where his father was murdered to show up.
DeleteLike if he was going to run, he would partner with someone the antithesis of his heritage, his father's and his own beliefs?
DeleteBingo! We have a Bingo!
DeleteIs this not Greene and other Republican leadership saying clearly that they want the USA to become a third world nation without usable infrastructure?
ReplyDeleteNo. As Our Host has noted, they they want a country with liberty and justice for them. And if they have to break the infrastructure to get it, so mote it be.
DeleteTheir disdain for Big Bird is whatever leftover rabid hate they had leftover from Tinky Winky Telletubby. Purple, yellow, whatever. It ain't normal.
ReplyDeleteI never thought the evanQelical movement would turn into some weird parody of The Life of Brian, but here we are. I mean "Blessed are the cheesemakers" was funny in an impious way, but Trump as the returning messiah? That's out of Revelation all right, but not the way they think.
We have to stop asking how insane things can get. Some believe it's a challenge, like eating 'tide pods'
ReplyDeletePoor Caroline. This has to be a horrible moment for her.
ReplyDeleteThe Republicans have become the know-nothing party of the 21st century. They have no policy other than a mad shriek of anger at what ever they see as the latest culture war battle front. Republican domestic policy amounts to own the libs at any cost and their foreign policy amounts to suck up to dictators and tyrants because Trump did.
ReplyDeleteThey may call themselves Republicans, but they clearly despise anything resembling republic. They call themselves conservative, while despising any effort to conserve anything. They consider themselves and their delusional ideology to be superior, as it demonstrates a perverse and fundamentally insane inferiority. Republican ideology has become inextricable from a flawed anti-science religious faith that is simply irredeemable.
ReplyDeleteOkay, at this point I think that enough of the money that would go to red states should be divided up and given to their residents who move to blue state. The rest should be given to the blue states on a prorated basis of relocated citizens from the state they came from.
ReplyDeleteLet those who don't believe in government LIVE WITHOUT it's support.
Actually, the simplest thing to do would be to divvy up the spoils of the infrastructure package according to how much each state actually contributed to the nation's coffers. And watch the screams. Even before the SALT cap was enacted to screw the blue states, most blue states got back, on average, 80% of what we sent to the Feds. The red states, on the other hand, got as much as $1.80 for every dollar they sent to Washington. If California got back near as much as we sent out, we'd be in a lot better shape (and we're still in better shape than much of the country). Yeah, we have our crazies, but we corral them where they can't do much damage (at least most of the time). Every once in a while, a few of the wilier ones escape, then we have to track them down and toss them back into the less-populated (agricultural) areas where they seem to flourish, since they don't have neighbors close by who'll remind them to be polite in public...
DeleteBetter yet. How about your federal support maxes out to the tax dollars your citizens provide the feds?
DeleteSome of us are stuck in red states, but otherwise a good idea.
DeleteThis. I don't want to be in TX, but I'm stuck here for the foreseeable future.
Delete"King of kings" or the actual Anti-Christ? I know which one I think it is. Even if you are not a believer (I'm not) the signs are right there in scripture.
ReplyDeleteI still think it's a virus that preferentially attacks people with the genetics for conservatism (and I think there is a genetic predisposition for conservatism--expressed as risk avoidance, unwillingness to change, etc). Put the two together and you get effing crazies.
ReplyDeletePro tip: tracking the Qs is easier than they think, look for the sticker.
ReplyDeleteAfter being corpsified for 20 years J.F.K.jr probably has fewer flies on him than Pence.
ReplyDeleteNo flies. Maybe a few fishes, though. JFK Jr., his wife, and sister-in-law were all cremated and buried at sea. Somehow the Qs didn't get that message.
DeleteI'm super curious to know how they came up with.....JFK,Jr. I mean, I know it won't make sense to anyone who isn't so deep into the Q insane asylum that conspiracies about the moon landing seem quaint, but I suspect it has something to do with "bloodlines" and I'm wondering what bizarre logic was tapped into to make what might other wise be normal seeming people go "yeah, THAT makes sense!". I just don't want to have to expose myself to the Q YouTube channel---because I want to hold on to my sanity.
ReplyDeleteBingo on the bloodlines. You can read it here without polluting yourself by reading actual QAnon BS. https://crooksandliars.com/2021/11/qanon-meets-ancestrycom-and-insists-trump
DeleteThey GOP feeds and exploits the stubborn stupid or proud ignorant.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely refuse to refer these people as ‘conservatives’ anymore. There is nothing conservative, in any sense of the word, about them. Lunatic fringe, I know you’re out there.
ReplyDeleteIn the twilight's last gleaming ...
DeletePoints and lauaghs at the USA.
ReplyDeleteTo me the most insane part of the whole insanity is the tiny little factoid that JFK was a Democrat.
ReplyDeleteI wish they could see how far they have fallen. We used to at least be able to respect many of the members of the GOP, even when we disagreed. Now it's only contempt and a bit of pity. Because they chose this.
ReplyDeleteThe grand old party are terrorists. It's that simple and they NEED to be treated as such.
ReplyDeleteLove it Jim! After seeing the list of Republican traitors I about fell over. Hell indeed must have frozen over because right there, at the bottom of the list was our one and only Don Young!!! Little miss Greene has called our Donny boy a COMMIE!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm very tired of living in a country populated by so many people suffering from self-inflicted mental illness.
ReplyDeleteI want to hear more about the murder chickens.
ReplyDeleteYes to all the rest too. One thing I fear is that we'll look back at this essay as accurate prophecy.
God help us if we should actually GET SOMETHING DONE for $Trillions, instead of making the rich richer. We will have something to show for the investment, other than smugness.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first heard about Democratic Satan-worshiping cannibals meeting in the basement of a pizza parlor to feast on children,I thought someone was trying to out-nonsense The Onion--and making a crude job of it.
ReplyDeleteLittle did I know this was my introduction to the evolution of the Republic Party from Conservative to bat shit crazy.
See what vaccinating kids from when they're little will do to them? Big Bird is a canary.
ReplyDeleteI heard a bit of a different version of their madness in Dallas.
ReplyDeleteThe story I heard was that JFK himself would come back and install Trump as President, and JFK jr would be his loyal VP.
I wonder if there aren't more versions of what the hell they were thinking. I'm also sure they'll show up there again, possibly on the anniversary of JFK's assassination on the 23rd, and then every year thereafter. Until this mental illness has passed like some sort of virtual kidney stone.
Every time I think they can't be stupider, I'm proven wrong.
ReplyDeleteWell, of course building infrastructure is communism. Look at all the few remaining communist countries. Every one of them has roads, sewers, pipelines, electrical grids (we can skip North Korea, which is more of a hereditary monarchy than a communist state at this point) and schools. Ergo, to be a democracy, we must get rid of all those nasty things and have everyone build their own roads, dig their own sewers, pump their own water and generate their own electricity. Then we will all be free. And naturally any electrical generation must involve coal and gas; not that horrible solar and wind stuff that the degenerate Europeans are using.
ReplyDeleteAs an aside, the real modern veloceraptors are Roadrunners. Canada geese are just ducks who are unhappy that no one makes MAGA hats in their size.
Republicans have been doing their best to destroy the very IDEA of public goods since the mid-nineties, when Gingrich declared war on our democratic system and encouraged the kind of rules-gaming "do anything they can't stop you from doing" garbage McConnell has enjoyed so much.
ReplyDeleteOf course democracy IS one of those public goods, and they're doing their best to destroy it.
These attacks actually make considerable sense - thanks to Rupert Murdock. All the Republican voters hear is ever-wilder accusations of some evil conspiracy to harm their children and destroy their country.
ReplyDeleteIt's not just the US, either - consider post-Brexit Britain. Thanks to Rupert Murdock's lock on the media, all British voters hear is the glories of Boris Johnson - while they shop at supermarkets where the shelves often have only cardboard cutouts of products due to Boris Johnson and Brexit.
Today's media environment looks increasingly like that of North Korea. If all one hears is a combination of how wonderful the Dear Leader is and how evil and threatening Dear Leader's opponents are - after a while, it sinks in. Boris Johnson and Donald Trump are "Dear Leader" in their country's respective Murdock publications.
Oh, god...I needed the sarcastic laugh today! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteWell, obviously roads are communist.
ReplyDeleteBecause no companies are making a direct profit off of them.
Everything must be a toll road... even your own driveway should have a toll on it for anyone who deigns to visit you.
I won't SMH, as the GOP has gotten so batshit insane that, if I were to start, my head would probably fly off from the vibrations.
I would characterize them as the howling barbarians inside the gate.
ReplyDelete