“It seems President Obama would concede almost anything to get any deal, even a terrible deal, from the Islamic Republic of Iran's Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei.”
- Senator Ted Cruz
Oh no!
To the bunkers!
Hoist the colors!
Sound the bugle! To Arms! To Arms!
Obama is going to destroy the United States! He’s helping our enemies! Because he hates America!
Again.
I’ve lost track, how many times has Obama destroyed America now? Twenty? A hundred? Seems like he’s been destroying America at least once a week lately.
I mean honestly, Conservatives, when isn’t Obama destroying America?
Heh heh. Okay, you got me, it was a trick question.
So, what is it this time?
God’s wrath for gay marriage? Ebola? Electric cars? Gun control? Little flag pin on crooked?
What?
Oh, right, of course. Iran and the Islamic State. Muslims.
Obama went all Neville Chamberlain on the Iran Deal. And now? Well, now, it’s death to America! Yep, we’re screwed. Again.
Dammit, why can’t Obama understand that if we don’t start bombing immediately why next thing you know Iranian tanks will be rolling into Poland … or Israel, or New York, or, well, somewhere and then it’s bye bye America hello ISIS. Thanks, Obama!
We’ve got to do something. We’ve got to kill some people, man!
War, it’s always the answer.
War, it’s what Jesus would do. That’s what The Decider would do! That’s what Reagan would do! War! War! War!
There’s no downside to war. It’s the perfect American pastime. I mean, we got all this stuff, right? Tanks and ships and bombs and stealth fighters. We’ve got silos full of nuclear missiles. We’ve got SEALs and Green Berets and Rangers! We’ve got all these Soldiers and Marines. Hell, we’ve even got killer CIA robots. Zap! Zap! Death from the sky!
What’s the point of having all this stuff if we’re not gonna use it?
We’ll be like that guy who buys a kayak and a fancy roof rack for his Subaru and the life-vest and the stylish kayaking clothes … and then never puts it in the water. Nobody wants to be that guy, right?
This year we’ll spend nearly 20% of the total federal budget on the military, about $800,000,000,000. I mean, if we’re not bombing somebody, we’re getting screwed, man. Screwed.
We need some war.
No, really, think about it.
War, it’s what defines modern America. We used to try and stay out of war, a hundred years ago, not anymore.
War, it’s the one thing that brings Americans, war supporters and war protesters, together.
War, it’s how the world sees us. I mean, it sure as shit isn’t as peacemakers, now is it? If they had a Nobel War Prize, we’d sweep every category every year. Nuke ‘em until they glow and shoot ‘em in the dark!
War, it gives us somebody to hate, somebody to compare to Hitler and the Nazis – boy, those were the good old days, right? That was a great war, great generation, they don’t make ‘em like that any more.
War, it lets us ship off the poor and the disaffected, the oddballs, the troublemakers. Better those folks be doing their killin’ overseas rather than at home, right? We get rid of them and we get to blow up brown people on the daily news and there’s really no downside to that, is there?
War, it’s what makes our economy go ‘round. War, that’s capitalism, everything from tanks to those little yellow “Support Our Troops” magnets, and the money just rolls in. The rich get richer and the poor get dead, think of it as evolution in action.
War. That’s America. Shoot ‘em all and let God sort it out – If you go, you’ll even get a T-shirt ($19.95 plus shipping and handling. Made in China).
And … wait, what’s this?
This Iran deal. This stinkin’ liberal peacenik Obama Iran deal. No war. No Nazis. No big juicy “defense” contracts? No cruise missile strikes at dawn? No parades and marching bands? No little yellow ribbon magnets?
Well, that’s just bullshit right there.
It’s downright un-American is what it is.
Real Americans are outraged! You damned right they are.
We haven’t had a war in almost a year, we’re going into withdrawal.
Last Wednesday, Senator Lindsey Graham (R-Confederate States of America, praise Jesus) demonstrated his superior Americanism to US Defense Secretary Ashton Carter:
Graham: Does [Iran’s] Supreme Leader's religious views compel him over time to destroy Israel and attack America?
Carter: I don't know. I don't know the man. I only…
Graham: Well let me tell you, I do. I know the man. I know what he wants. And if you don't know that, this is not a good deal.
Graham: Could we win a war with Iran? Who wins the war between us and Iran? Who wins? Do you have any doubt who wins?
Carter: No. The United States.
Graham: We. Win.
Who wins a war?
Who wins?
We. Win. We win!
That’s what we’re talking about, right? A quick little war with Iran. Then we’ll have some peace. But first, war. That’s the American way. We can’t have peace with anybody we haven’t had a war with first. Beat ‘em down. Blow ‘em up. Kill ‘em all. Then peace.
(What? No, I’m not going to ask how Lindsey Graham knows Iran’s Supreme Leader well enough to know what he wants. You want to picture them taking long hot showers together, be my guest. This is a classy blog, Folks, I’m not going to go there)
War. Really, where’s the problem? It’s not like we’re gonna lose, right? We start a war with Iran and we win it. We do. And the world becomes a safer and better place, praise Jesus, just like it did after we won those wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. And Somalia. And Vietnam. And Korea. And …
What?
What’s that?
Oh, I’m being offensive, am I?
You don’t like my sarcastic tone? Is that it?
Americans don’t want war, you say? Conservatives don’t want war. Lindsey Graham isn’t really talking about war, he’s just making sure the Secretary of Defense knows who’d win. It’s like a sports analogy, fantasy football, see? And Mike Huckabee doesn’t really think President Obama is actually helping Iran herd Israelis “into the ovens.” The GOP isn’t really the party of war. No, no, of course not. That would be … crazy.
Right.
When the Iran deal was announced and a great cry went up from conservatives, I posted the following comment on my Facebook and Twitter feeds:
Now now, Conservatives, stop crying. Here, have a tissue. Blow your noses. Wipe the snot off your faces. Buck up. Look, I promise we'll find you a war. Sure, we'll find you a war, a nice big one that will kill lots of poor minorities and make gobs of money for defense contractors. Trust me, you'll be bombing brown people in no time! Okay, tell you what, how about we stop and hate some gays on the way home? Huh? That'll make you feel better.
Sorry about the deal, fellas. But don’t worry, I’m sure another war will come along shortly. It was a throwaway laugh. Yuk yuk. A little stereotypical political humor – same as when I rib gay-marryin’ tofu-eatin’ Prius-drivin’ peace-lovin’ liberals. A little sarcasm to spark conversation, that’s all.
The comment was liked and shared all over social media. Yuk yuk, funny.
Well, mostly.
As you might expect, I got some conservative feedback.
- ONly brain dead liberal obama cock suckers like you would trust Iran LOL!! only thing islamist cock suckers understand is force. fuck you dumb cock sucker move to iran since you think there so great so you can chant death to america with youre friends
- So if I don’t agree with the Opeaser In Chief I’m a racist warmonger who hates homosexuals and “brown people.” But whose the bigot now right?
- I must be just about to piss myself in anticipation of killing some "poor minorities" and "brown people." Because if I deign to disagree with this President's foreign policy, I MUST be not only racist, but bloodthirsty as well
There was more. A lot more, but those three comments will give you the idea.
I meant my comment as a joke. Because that’s what I do.
But, you see, the best political humor is based on truth.
Chris Christie:
“We have to be willing as Americans to say, if need be, we’ll also put soldiers into the fight. We have to be willing to say that.”
Scott Walker:
“If I can take on 100,000 protesters, I can do the same across the globe.”
Ben Carson:
“You gotta kill them before they kill you.”
Lindsey Graham, a man who has never met a war he didn’t like:
“If we don’t defend ourselves over there, they’re coming here. I will do whatever it takes, as long as it takes to defeat these guys.”
Bobby Jindal:
“We don’t need a war on international poverty. We need a war on the evil radical Islamic terrorism. They [American citizens, voters] need to tell the political left we want our military leaders to do whatever it takes, not to degrade, contain or expel, but to hunt down and kill these radical Islamic terrorists.”
Carly Fiorina:
“I would do very specific things. First, instead of having a Camp David conference to talk our Arab allies into a bad deal with Iran, I would have had a Camp David conference to talk with our Arab allies about how we can support them to fight ISIS. Let me give you very specific examples. The Kurds have been asking us to arm them for three years, we still have not. The Jordanians have been asking us to provide them with bombs and material. We know King Abdullah of Jordan – I’ve known him for many years – he took the appropriate leadership steps when a Jordanian pilot was burned alive. He was here in this country asking us for bombs and material. We haven’t provided him with any of them. He’s now looking to China for that. The Egyptian president, a very brave and pious Muslim, who has said there is a cancer in the heart of Islam, has asked us to share intelligence. We are not. The Turks have asked us to help them topple Bashar al-Assad. We are not. There are a whole set of things we’ve been asked to do by our allies who know this is their fight, and we’re not doing any of them. So I would hold a Summit and talk with them about that.”
John Kasich:
"Mark my words, at some point it will require boots on the ground from the world to be able to deal with this problem.”
George Pataki:
"I would provide the weapons, training and financial support to help those fighting on the ground — whether it is Kurds, Jordanians or Sunnis. We cannot allow them to have recruiting centers, training centers and plans to attack us here in America […] If necessary, we will send in American boots on the ground to destroy those training centers, destroy those planning centers and then get out.”
Rick Santorum:
“If these folks want to return to a 7th Century version of Islam, then let’s load up our bombers and bomb them back to the 7th Century.”
Marco Rubio:
“…if we wanted to defeat them [ISIS] militarily, we could do it. [Obama] doesn’t want to upset Iran. In [Obama’s] mind, this deal with Iran is going to be the Obamacare of the second term, and he doesn’t want them sending military to the region because they think the region belongs to them.”
Yeah, but those guys are fringe conservative candidates. Right? The mainstream guys, the ones getting the press, they aren’t demanding war, right?
Mike Huckabee:
“And here is what we have to do: America has to have the most formidable, fierce, military in the history of mankind So when we have a threat, whether it is ISIS, Boko Haram, Al Qaeda, Hamas, Hezbollah, the Iranians, whatever it is, we make it very clear that we plan to push back and destroy that threat to us. And we won’t take 10 years doing it, we hopefully won’t even take 10 months, it will be like a 10 day exercise, because the fierceness of our forces would mean that we can absolutely guarantee the outcome of this film. That’s how America needs to operate in the world of foreign affairs, and foreign policy.”
When asked if he meant sending ground forces, Huckabee replied, “We have to leave that as an option. We can’t leave anything off the table.”
Well, okay, what about that guy from Texas? The one that today released a video of himself cooking bacon on the barrel of a tactical assault weapon? Surely that sane reasonable guy wouldn’t be calling for war?
Ted Cruz:
“What would real presidential leadership look like? A real president would stand up and say on the world stage: Under no circumstances will Iran be allowed to acquire nuclear weapons. Iran will either stop, or we will stop them […] The threats to Israel right now have never been greater, and now is a time when we do not need leaders who simply speak empty words of support for Israel. When you have religious zealots who glorify death and suicide, ordinary deterrence is not effective.”
The irony apparently escapes Ted Cruz who has repeatedly suggested that we bomb ISIS and Iran “back to the Stone Age” in rehash of General Curtis LeMay – who advocated bombing North Vietnam back to the Stone Age, with nuclear weapons.
You recall how bombing Vietnam turned out, right? Third time’s the charm!
Last week Cruz demanded from the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, General Martin Dempsey, appearing before a Senate panel, that the U.S. “destroy ISIS—not degrade them.” Cruz also demanded that the destruction of ISIS be done “within 90 days.” When Dempsey said that wasn’t possible, Cruz issued a press release saying the General, the General in charge of our military forces, was wrong. Why Cruz didn’t call for the general’s resignation, given that the man obviously has no actual grasp of military strategy, force readiness, logistics, intelligence assessments, or capability, is beyond me. Cruz then went on to outline his own plan to arm the Kurds and send them against ISIS and Iran as proxy troops with embedded American Special Forces and/or American ground troops (no word on how the Muslim Kurds would feel about fighting Ted Cruz’s war in defense of Israel. Details. Details).
In that same panel, Cruz berated General Dempsey because America should be standing with Ukraine and arming its people against Russia.
Well, okay, so Cruz is nuts, but what about the “sane” one? The reasonable Republican? The smart one. What about that guy?
Jeb Bush:
“We’re living in times that are quite perilous. Now we see what happens when we pull back. These threats spread over the Internet all around the world including our own country. I, for one, we believe we need to reengage with the rest of the world, fight barbaric Islamic terrorism in the Middle East and also do what we need to do to protect the homeland, using all the tools available to make it so, protecting civil liberties along the way but make sure, make sure that we keep this country safe.”
Bush hired his brother, the guy who invaded Iraq and Afghanistan as his campaign’s foreign policy advisor.
Yeah, he’s the “smart” one.
What about the Libertarian? They don’t believe in war, do they? Surely if anybody in the GOP would support peace and the P5+1 deal over war, who wouldn’t be itching to take on ISIS, it would be the Libertarian, right?
Rand Paul:
“If I were president, I would call a joint session of Congress. I would lay out the reasoning of why ISIS is a threat to our national security and seek congressional authorization to destroy ISIS militarily.”
And just to make sure he wasn’t misunderstood, Paul went on Fox’s Sean Hannity to clarify his statement. Paul said as President he would quickly end Congress’ current recess in order to seek military authorization – and he believes that would be easily granted given that both houses are dominated by Republican majorities.
Paul then declared that in addition to forming a powerful American response, he would lean on Turkey, Syria, and Iran to join the fight against the Islamic State. Now, unlike Bobby Jindal, Paul does seem to know Iran and ISIS are enemies and not friends, so, you know, that’s something anyway – though it does raise an interesting question about strange bedfellows.
“Right now, the two allies that have the same goal would be Iran and Syria, to wipe out ISIS. They also have the means and the ability and they also have the incentive to do so because Assad’s clinging for power and clinging for life there.”
Shades of Reagan. Can’t trust the Iranians to sign a peace treaty, but let’s give them weapons and trust them on the battlefield, right? Enemy of our enemies and all that. What’s Ollie North up to these days, maybe he can escort a planeload of Stinger missiles to Tehran.
Fine.
How about that other guy? The one leading conservative polls? The non-establishment Republican? The one who’s not like the others?
Donald Trump:
"I would attack the oil. I would take away their source of power. I would take away their source of wealth. You will defeat ISIS. They are very wealthy. They're building a hotel in Syria. A hotel. They're competing with me. They're building a hotel in Syria. … They're wealthy. You know why they're wealthy? From the oil. I would absolutely cut off their source of wealth, which is the oil. I would bomb the hell out of them!"
And here we are.
You want to know why I said what I said?
Look, I promise we'll find you a war. Sure, we'll find you a war, a nice big one that will kill lots of poor minorities and make gobs of money for defense contractors. Trust me, you'll be bombing brown people in no time! Okay, tell you what, how about we stop and hate some gays on the way home? Huh? That'll make you feel better.
Because every single prominent Republican is calling for war. Every. Single. One. That’s why.
If you’re voting for these people, you’re voting for war. They’ve made that absolutely clear.
Sure, fine whatever. But where did that “bombing some brown people” come from?
Well, hell, we’re not exactly talking about declaring war on Canada now, are we? So, unless Jesus was the only Caucasian in the Middle East, what we are in fact talking about is bombing us some more brown people.
Fine! But what about that “hate some gay people” remark, Jim, what about that?
You got me there. That was uncalled for. I apologize.
Tell you what, in fairness, let’s take a look at what conservative candidates have to say about gay people.
I’ll start with Mike Huckabee…