Jade Helm: The Insanity that Ate Texas

Update: Comments on this post are now well over 200. If you want to see all the comments including comments nested under others, then you have to scroll all the way to the bottom of the comment queue and click on “load more.” You may have to do this several times. This is a function of the Blogger platform, that’s just how it works.

Note: Comments on Stonekettle Station are moderated. There are commenting rules posted on the bottom of the comments page. I don’t care if you read them or not, but if you don’t comply, then your comment will not post. Additionally: don’t bother screaming conspiracy lunacy at me, I’m not going to debate crazy people. Period. And you can’t double-dog dare me into doing it. Save your threats: I’m a veteran, I’ve been threatened by professionals. If you’re going to take a shot at me, make the first one count because you won’t get a second. 

Welcome to Stonekettle Station // Jim Wright

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Jade Helm.

Martial Law.

FEMA Death Camps.

Oh, it’s coming, Folks. It’s a comin’.

This is it. This is the big one. Obama is about to make his move. Martial law, you betcha, FEMA death camps and secret tunnels under Wal-Mart. Oh they warned us, they did, the powdered wig wearing Patriots of the Tea Party, they warned us. Grab the wimen’ folk, load yer guns, hoist the Confederate Battle Flag! To the bunkers! To the bunkers!

"Just because you're paranoid," said Ted Cruz, "doesn't mean they're not out to get you."

Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

Right.

And just because you have the word "Senator" in front of your name doesn't mean you're sane, rational, qualified to run the country, or have an IQ higher than that of a sea cucumber.

Seriously, somebody help me out here: what the fuck happened to Texas?

What the fuck happened to Texas?

There’s just no polite, no non-profane way to ask. What. The. Fuck. Happened to Texas?

Is it the heat? Is it the water? Did somebody spike the punch bowl with psychotropic drugs? Is it inbreeding? It is, isn’t it?

The entire state has gone bonkers.

The Governor of Texas has mobilized his own personal army and Ted Cruz is demanding answers from the Pentagon.

Because, you know, if there really was a secret plot, the generals would tell him. What? Senator Cruz has asked about our super secret nefarious plot to invade our own country and force Texans into hidden underground FEMA centers where they’ll be disarmed and gay married to Muslims? Drat! He’s on to us! Then they twirl their Snidely Whiplash moustaches,  Curses! Foiled again by that brave Canadian cartoon hero, Dudley Cruz.

Let’s say this really was a thing.

Sure, just for the sake of argument, let’s say Obama really is planning on herding Texans into FEMA death camps disguised as Wal-Marts.

Why would he need the army?

Think about it. Why would you need some secret plot to get Texans into a Wal-Mart?

Announce a Veterans Day sale with 50% off all ammunition, Duck Dynasty camouflage, and frozen chicken nuggets, unlock the doors, and step the hell out of the way before you get trampled.

Honestly, where does the Army come in?

It has finally come down to this.

This, right here, this is just how low the once great party of Lincoln has sunk.

This right here, this drooling lunacy, this mental illness, is the state of America. This is what talk radio and reality TV and Budweiser fueled NASCAR has done to the gene pool.

This, right here.

I've been putting it off, talking about Jade Helm, because it's just so stupid, just so utterly fucking stupid even for the twitching under-medicated paranoia that passes for Republicans nowadays. But now that Texas Governor Greg Abbott and Texas Senator Ted Cruz have weighed in on the side of booger eating stupidity,  I see I can’t evade it any longer.

Very well.

Let me be blunt, or blunter than I’ve already been: anybody, anybody, who believes President Obama is about to send the United Nations to invade Texas, declare martial law, and herd Texans into FEMA Death Camps Of Death cleverly hidden in a secret network of continent spanning tunnels linking Wal-Marts across the nation, anybody who believes this ridiculous howling bullshit in any way whatsoever should be darted with powerful tranquilizers, netted from black helicopters, pumped full of happy juice before they start eating their own feces, and installed in a dark padded cell where the most dangerous thing they encounter each day is a small plastic cup of institutional butterscotch pudding pushed through a small opening in the bottom of the door with a stick.

Yeah, but, but, but, the Army, Obama, Texas, Jade Helm!

Shut up. Take your medication, in fact double up on it, and just shut the fuck up.

Just, shut up.

 

A blubbering paranoid on Facebook managed to get all the drool summed up in one place. My response to her is as follows (edited and expanded):

"How do you explain the Jade Helm law?"

Easy: THERE'S NO SUCH THING.

There is no, repeat no, "Jade Helm Law."

"JADE HELM 15" is standard domestic exercise, same as dozens of others, same as any that have been going on since the country was founded.

Look, maybe you haven't noticed, but we in the military are often called upon to operate in foreign lands, particularly in urban and suburban environments. How in the hell do you think we train for that? What? You think it’s just fucking magic? We get by on our charm and wholesome American looks? Do you have any idea what it takes to do what we do? Coordination, communication, navigation, talking to civilians, security, just finding your way around in a strange city, and a thousand other mundane things you've never thought of. How in the hell do you think we learn that?

You can't exactly send troops to Tehran to practice you know – well, you can, but it’s bound to get you talked about, especially that part involving, you know, military invasion of a foreign country. So we do it here, in our country, where we can concentrate on the skills necessary without being shot at - except given the rise in paranoid droolers here at home, maybe it would be easier to do it in a hostile foreign land. These days, Baghdad is far more sane and friendly than whatever the fuck is going on down there in Texas.

Honest to God, what the hell is wrong with you people?

We do this all of the time. This is what we do when conservatives don’t have us invading other countries. We practice. We practice navigation of navy ships up the coasts of our nation. We practice landing on the beaches of San Diego. The Air Force practices long range bombing runs across thousands of miles of US territory. The deserts of the American Southwest make a good facsimile of Middle Eastern conditions, and it’s a whole lot better to learn how to use a map and compass and a GPS unit there than when you’re trying to find your way out of the Swat Valley. The National Guard practices convoys on US highways – you must have seen those military vehicles out there on the road, what did you think they were doing? Driving shitty lowest bidder trucks two hundred miles for fun?

Yeah, but what about foreign troops on US soil? What about that? Huh? Huh?

What about it?

Listen, how do you think we learn to work together if we never practice together? If the first time we try to work with Belgian troops, or Senegalese, or Chinese, is when we're, oh, you know, TRYING TO FUCKING FEED PEOPLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RUINS LEFT BY A NEPALESE EARTHQUAKE? I'm just saying here, you know, for example.

How is it you expect us to work with the Mexican army to reduce drug trafficking, again for example, if we never train together? If we can’t even talk to each other? If we don’t even know what goddamned frequencies each other’s radios are on? If we can’t tell a Mexican General from a private? Do you know? Can you read Mexican Army Rank insignia? Can you?

How do you think the ships of a dozen nations would be able to sail together if they didn't practice? Do you have any idea what it takes to form a fleet and sail in close proximity to each other? To navigate across thousands of miles of open ocean, to patrol coastal waters, to coordinate resupply and personnel transfers and communication and a million other things necessary to, oh, you know, hunt down pirates together in the Indian Ocean, or enforce UN sanctions against Iran in the Arabian Gulf, or search for a missing Japanese sailboat lost in the Pacific? Do you? Do you have any idea what that takes? When’s the last time you worked with the Chinese navy doing SAR for a missing Malaysian airliner in the South China Sea? Well? No, no, don’t be shy, step right up and tell us how to do it, after all you’re no doubt an expert on the Peoples Liberation Army Navy – what’s that? You didn’t even know China’s Navy was part of the Army? Funny, you being such a fucking expert on military exercises and all, I mean.

How do you think the air forces of a dozen different countries with different requirements and different procedures and different equipment and different communication protocols and different languages are able to work together, again for, oh, say, delivering supplies to a disaster zone, if they never talk to each other? If they don’t practice. Do you have any idea what that takes? Any at all? Or are you too busy imagining secret tunnels under Wal-Mart?

Here's another example: every year US troops and foreign forces from dozens of nations gather here in Alaska for NORTHERN EDGE where they work together and practice terrifying liberty destroying horrors such as learning to cross country ski in full military gear with hundred pound backpacks - you know, just in case some conservative jerkoff sends them to invade the snowy mountains of Afghanistan.

And we've done all of this literally for centuries.

"People are stupid and giving the government all the room they need to enact whatever laws they want to."

While I agree that the commenter is an object example of the first three words of that ridiculous sentence, the rest of it is provably wrong. And here's an idea, if you don't like the laws being passed, try electing people that aren't insane paranoids for a change.

America is a government of the people, by the people, and for the people - if you don't like the government, you've got nobody to blame but yourself. Stop acting like a mental defective and grow the hell up.

"While martial law is usually declared under a state of emergency, things are changing and there may come a day when that isn't the case."

May come to.

May.

Right. And the world may be destroyed by impact with the giant invisible planet Nibiru or conquered by naked purple lizard people from the alternate dimension of Crazyfuckistan.

What's next, you gonna tell me about the bogeyman hiding in your closet?

If you think the president can just wave his big Magic Negro Ray of Chocolate Mojo and declare martial law, you really don't understand how your government works - but then again that's not even a little bit surprising given a sitting US senator such as Ted Cruz apparently doesn't understand how the very government he is part of works either.

"Call it what you want, but this is reality now."

No. No it's not.

This is not reality.

It's a paranoid delusion completely divorced from reality and based on a faulty premise manufactured whole cloth by conspiracy mongers such as Alex Jones who make tidy livings preying on gullible mental patients.

"I do my own research."

That's what the commenter said, I do my own research. That’s how she knew the pending invasion of Texas was for reals, man, for reals.

I do my own research.

No. NO. Just … no.

No you don't.

What this crazy little nutter is doing is not research.

She doesn’t even know what that word actually means. Research is a structured formal process complete with checks and balances, multiple points of verification, experimentation, and fault testing. We actually teach classes in research. What these loons are doing is not, repeat not, research.

What it is is masturbation.

It makes them feel good but it's not the kind of thing anybody should be doing in public and you really shouldn't confuse it for actual intimacy.

What they are doing is nothing more than jerking off to conspiracy porn.

Every single part of this idiotic conspiracy theory is taken directly from "alternative news." It's self-reinforcing paranoid gibberish, like mental patients licking butterscotch pudding off of each other, and nothing more.

Now, listen to me and listen good:

This stupid shit isn't worth my time.

It's not worth your time.

It’s not worth any rational person’s time.

It’s certainly not worth a state Governor’s time, or a Senator, both of whom should have demonstrated basic leadership by telling their booger eating constituents to sit down and shut. the. fuck. UP.

You all should have grown out of this silly horseshit around about the time you stopped having your daddy check under your bed for monsters.

Stop it. Stop it right now.

If you can’t, then find an adult: have them slap you across the face, HARD, hard enough to knock out what few rotten teeth you have remaining in your pointy head. Have them slap the drool out of you. Have them keep smacking you up side your goddamned head until they knock some fucking sense into you.

This entire thing is a spook story manufactured whole cloth by people who make money, gobs and gobs of money, by preying on the simpletons and the fearful.

If you believe in any of this crap, then you are either mentally ill OR you are so goddamned stupid you shouldn't be allowed any social interaction of any kind without a court appointed keeper.

Stop it. Stop it right now.

"Just because you're paranoid," said Ted Cruz, "doesn't mean they're not out to get you."

Dude, they’re out to get you because you’re paranoid.

Paranoia is a mental illness, not a super power.

And only a raving lunatic would think otherwise.