How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Government Shutdown

 

I went to bed last night as the US Government slowly stuttered to a stop. 

I should have known better than to watch the news before bed, because I kept dreaming of the final scene from Planet of the Apes. You know the one, Charlton Heston kneeling on that post-apocalyptic beach before the ruined Statue of Liberty cursing at the sky, “You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!”

God damn you all to hell. I’d like to stand on the dais in front of a joint session of Congress and shout that into their drooling fanatical faces. God damn you all to hell, you damned dirty maniacs.

It probably wouldn’t make much difference though, what’s one more screeching monkey in the middle of that shit flinging madness, eh?

Portions of this post appeared here on Stonekettle Station back in 2011 during the last government shutdown and debt ceiling crisis. I was going to write something entirely new, but it sure seems like we’ve been right here before, doesn’t it?

With every day that passes Congress more and more resembles a battered old car with broken brakes packed full of hyperactive monkeys waving their little pipe-stem arms and chattering madly while hurtling obliviously towards a cliff edge over a raging sea full of blood maddened sharks. And you? You’re maybe worried that America is about to become a bankrupt third world soccer playing crap-hole where Spanish speaking chickens wander the street and dysentery is the national pastime?

Well of course you are.

But you know, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Becoming a Third World shithole, I mean.

You’ve got to look at the silver lining.

 

What? 

 

Oh for crying out loud.  Look, stop sniffling. Don’t be a wet blanket.

Sure, there’s no doubt this permanent state of emergency can be depressing, what with the Obamacare Standoff Crisis and the looming Debt Ceiling Crisis.  We were just getting over the Benghazi Crisis, and the IRS Crisis, and the NSA Crisis. Before that it was the previous Government Shutdown Crisis and the Budget Emergencies of 2011 and 2010. Somewhere in there it was the Mayan Apocalypse Crisis and the End Times Crisis. Of course there was the First Healthcare Crisis and the Mortgage Crisis. Let’s see, there was the Bailout Crisis, and the Immigration Reform Crisis and the Energy Policy Crisis and the Gun Control Crisis and the Social Security Crisis and the Medicare Crisis and who can forget my favorite, The Defense of Marriage Crisis?  There was the Election Crisis and the Birth Certificate Crisis and There’s A Stinky Black Man in the White House Crisis and well, hell, I forget, it’s all just starting to blur together.

And, of course, there are the Nazis. Because aren’t there always Nazis?

Today it’s the Shutdown Crisis and the coming Debt Ceiling Crisis.

Crisis, crisis, crisis!  It’s always something. What is it this week? War with Eurasia or war with Eastasia?  What’s next?  Show of hands, who really cares? I mean really? So long as they keep the conflict going, that’s the important thing.  It’s not the battles that matter, it’s the war. Got to keep fighting.  Hearts and minds you know.

And hey, so what if we blow up the government and default on America’s debt?

There are a lot of advantages to becoming a Third World country.  Really.

Think about it.

No really think about it. 

If we’re a Third World shithole, guess what?

No pressure! 

No responsibility! 

No expectations!

It’ll be awesome. 

Look at Russia, when they were the Soviet Union it was all ideology this and ideology that.  You’ve got to prop up puppet states, you’ve got to keep outspending the other guy, there’s sneakin’ and spyin’ and repressing to do. Hell your Olympic steroid budget alone can run into the billions.  Man, it just never ends. Being a superpower is hard.  Talk about hypertension. Nowadays, since Russia became a Third World shithole?  Nobody cares! Pass the potato vodka, Tovarich! C’mon, turn on the TV, bare chested Vladimir Putin is going to wrestle a python while riding a grizzly bear and defusing a nuclear bomb at the same time! Awesome!

Personally, I can’t wait to see some of our politicians on TV in a cage full of grizzly bears and nuclear bombs.

Hey! Stop that. What’d I say? Quit your blubbering. Take another hit off the bottle and pass it around the burn barrel.  Stomp your feet, that’ll keep your toes from freezing. Mostly. Probably.

You know what the best part about being a Third World country is?  The Debt! 

No really.

We become a Third World country, we can just forget about the national debt. 

Seriously.  When’s the last time a Third World country paid back their debt? 

When’s the last time anybody actually expected them to?

Never!

No, no, stick with me here, this will be great.  Really.  Screw the debt.  We’ll call it the Tea Party Child Support Plan after the congressman from Wisconsin.

Here’s how it works: We just don’t pay it. 

Screw ‘em. It’s just that simple. Boom! That’s a trillion bucks in our pocket right there.

Seriously, what’s China going to do about it?  Repo?  Bawahaha! Go ahead! Joke’s on them!  Guess what we bought with the money we borrowed from Bejing? Anybody know? I’ll tell you, we bought cheap Chinese goods!  That’s right.  And then we broke them. You want your shit back? Look behind the return counter at Wal-Mart. Help yourself.

What about the money we owe to Social Security? 

That’s the best part, no more musty old people!  Think about it.  You ever hear of old people before Social Security? No, no you did not.  That’s right, Social Security causes old people!  No Social Security, no old people. We’ll live forever!  Get rid of Welfare and we’ll cure poverty too!

Besides, this is about jobs, isn’t it?

That’s what they keep saying, right? Jobs, jobs, jobs, where are all the jobs? Where are they keeping ‘em?

I’ll tell you where the jobs are, they’re in Third World countries. Hello!

Common sense, folks. If we become a Third World country, we’ll get jobs too!

Defaulting will kill jobs? Yeah, in Bolivia! Because all the jobs? They’ll come here! Tell me we can’t out Third World Mexico! USA! USA! Booyah!

By this time next year we’ll be cranking out TV sets and computers and vacuum cleaners and those little shitty cars for consumers in India and Russia!  Made-in-America products will fill Chinese Wal-Marts. Let their kids suck on our lead painted toys for a change, that’s what I’m talking about!

Illegal Immigration. Fixed!  No need for a wall. No need for expensive border security.  Who the heck sneaks into a third world country?  Nobody!  Viva la revolucion, Che! Now, who wants to help me pick these tomatoes?

Seriously, give it a year or two and Columbia will be buying cocaine from us!

Obesity Epidemic? Fixed!  No money to buy food, no fat people! Diabetes cured for free, right there, without any socialist medicine.

And as long as we’re on the subject of healthcare, Third World Countries don’t need no stinking affordable healthcare. It’s survival of the fittest, see? The sick and lame die off as God intended, and only the strong survive. No healthcare, no sick people.  And the best part is that the money we save on not paying for the sickies can be used to buy guns! It’s Somalia Libertarian Utopia!

Hey, here’s something I bet you didn’t think about: Peace!  Yep. 

No shirt, no shoes, no credit? No war.

You want to invade another country? Cash up front.

Looks like you’ll need to find some corporate sponsors, bring in some advertising revenue, and sell those tickets. 

Hot cheerleaders might help, just an idea.  

 

Now if you’ll all excuse me, I’m going to spend the rest of the day sitting on the couch watching reruns of Planet of the Apes and shouting “It’s a mad house! A mad house!”