Welcome To The Revolution

 

Sinclair Lewis famously said, “when fascism comes to America, it’ll be wrapped in the flag, carrying a cross.”

It’ll be wrapped in the flag all right.

And toting a cross.

And wearing a powdered wig.

And probably waving a misspelled sign to boot, while singing Yankee Doodle Dandy and shooting bottle rockets out of its ass.

You know, every single time I write something like the previous post, Conservikazi, I get comments and messages from angry people telling me that I’m painting with too broad a brush, that I’m wrong, that they’re not really the insane frothy lunatics that I’ve made them out to be.

Typically, they then proceed to act exactly like insane frothy lunatics.

On the Conservikazi post, a commenter calling himself Daniel Belef showed up to tell me I was wrong, that extremists like him are reasonable folks, patriots one and all, with the blood of the Founders surging red, white, and blue in their veins. I let him make a couple of increasingly insane frothy posts before I shut him down. In his final published comment, in less than a paragraph, this “reasonable” self-identified American patriot called me a: dumb fuck, a dumb shit, a coward, a fuckhead, a joke, dipshit, a racist, a slavemaster, an asshole, a dipshit again, and an asswipe. He also, predictably, couldn’t help but engage in the usual conservative tactic of swiftboating my military service – and the best part of that was his concept of how the military actually works, it being pretty obvious that he, like most of these raging libertarian hard-ons, has never himself served a single day in his miserable life. But that’s another essay altogether (in his next comment, which I didn’t publish, he demanded that I join the military so I could learn proper American values. Yep).

The real takeaway, however, and the reason I mention it, was this priceless gem:

Im telling you, that THIS is how America was formed, by SUICIDAL people doing what they thought need to be done you fuckhead. [sic]

America, Folks, it was formed by suicidal people.

You know, that just might explain a few things. In fact, it might explain a lot of things. But I digress.

Okay, Jim, sure, I hear you say in that concerned tone you use when you think I might be attempting to plot a curve from one point. Obnoxious Dan The Frothy Crazy Man is obviously the kind of guy who wears his underpants on the outside and spends a lot of time shouting at passing cars, sure, but he’s just one commenter.

Yeah. I wish.

Here’s a nice bit of conservative wit from another commenter I didn’t allow to post:

2016! coutn your days libtard traiter pussys. 2016. the 2nd AMERICAN REVOLUTION is coming then all communist nigger muzzie lovers are going to HANG! 2016. Kill yourself!

Man, it makes your heart go all pitter patter, doesn’t it? Libtard traitor pussies. Communist nigger muzzie lovers. Why, it’s just like hearing the educated erudite words of Benjamin Franklin himself. Makes you want to stand up and sing God Bless America!

The Second American Revolution, forsooth.  The Second American Revolution.

One wonders if this new America will also be formed by suicidal people?

It also makes you wonder if they couldn’t maybe just put their pistol barrels into their own mouths first, before their little revolution, and save us all a bunch of trouble. But I suppose that would be too much to ask.

So, anyway, where was I? Oh yes, libtard traitor pussies.

Okay, Okay, Jim, settle down, I hear you say in that placating tone you use when you’re afraid that I might just be right but you don’t want to believe it. So, that’s two, or maybe three or four or five given that I just read the rest of the comments under that post. But hey, did you ever think that it’s you? That maybe you attract these daffy nutters? Maybe that’s your magical superpower, you ever think of that?

As a matter of fact, I have.

However…

Meet David Marsters, Republican running for selectman in Sabbatus, Maine.  Dave seems like a nice conservative candidate for office from a nice conservative New England town, on the high end of middle-aged, grey hair, twinkling eyes, winning smile.

Last month he posted a picture of President Obama on his Facebook page with the caption “Shoot the nigger.”

Isn’t that sweet?

Isn’t it great that we live in a country where a guy running for public office in the 21st Century can post something like that without a shred of shame? God bless America.

Needless to say, Marsters made the Bangor Daily News and thus earned himself a visit from the Secret Service. He was outraged, of course, because what God fearing, Jesus loving, all American patriot wouldn’t be, right?

He took to Facebook again to protest his persecution:

“They [The Secret Service] didn’t see no pictures of Obama with bullet holes in his head. It’s not a threatening statement in my opinion. People take it out of context as a threat. I didn’t say I was going to shoot the president or kill. Shoot the nigger. Shoot the nigger, that’s what I said. I’m pissed off at the system, OK? We’re about to lose our benefits because of this asshole.”

Boy, there’s the guy you want for town selectman, right? Oh, and he’s a Birther too, just in case you couldn’t figure that part out for yourself. (Of course, it being rural Maine, Marsters probably is exactly the guy they want for selectman. I used to live there, rural Maine isn’t exactly a hotbed of diversity).

People took it out of context. Shoot the nigger, that’s what Marsters said, but it’s not a threatening statement.

Which of course makes you wonder in exactly what context “shoot the nigger” isn’t a threatening statement? Cleavon Little’s use of the phrase in Blazing Saddles was the only thing that comes to mind, but in retrospect that was a threat too, so you’ve got me.

Marsters defended his use of the racial slur, by saying he would have called Mitt Romney the same thing:

“I would say, ‘Shoot the nigger’ because white people are niggers, too.”

Marsters said that back in Massachusetts where he comes from, black people call white people “nigger,” so it’s not really a racist thing, more like a universal label to describe all people you fear and hate and despise and want to see shot dead.

That’s right, using a vile racist slur for black people to label white people you don’t like in order to equate them to black people who you see as less than wholly American specifically because of skin color and perceived culture is totally not racist. It’s also totally not ignorant. Or an asshole thing to do. It’s also fairly useless as an insult unless you do, in point of fact, intend the word to be offensive and obnoxious in the extreme. That’s sort of the whole point.

Marsters’ idiotic excuse doesn’t make use of the term less racist, it makes it even more so.

You may, if you like, insert a liberal socialist Nazi facepalm here.

I’m sure after the glorious Second American Revolution, David Marsters will be remembered right up there with Thomas Jefferson and George Washington in the patriotic annals of patriotic American patriotism.

Hopefully future generations won’t quote him out of context like they do Ben Franklin.

And speaking of the revolution, have you met “The People’s Prosecutor” yet?

No?

Well then, you’re in for a libertarian treat:

…the great usurper, Barack Hussein Obama, after having been indicted by an Ocala, Florida citizens’ grand jury, was convicted by a people’s court of defrauding the American people and Floridians by proffering them with a fake birth certificate. See www.citizensgrandjury.com. As readers of this column and www.wnd.com know too well, Obama is not a natural born citizen…

Readers of World Net Daily.

World Net Daily, one of the angry anonymous commenters under the aforementioned Conservikazi post used World Net Daily as a reference. I laughed so hard, I blew beer through my nose. World Net Daily. Talk about a waste of good beer.

I didn’t know this, but apparently in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave, you can just get a bunch of your big-bellied white-haired flag-waving libertarian pals together, convene a made-up court complete with pretend judges and fake prosecutors and make-believe “witnesses” and convict anybody you like (I picture this “citizen’s court” as a bunch of overweight senior citizens in a powdered wigs sitting on milk crates behind plastic lawn tables in a garage somewhere, with Lee Greenwood playing in the background).

Oh yes, and when fascism comes to America, it’ll no doubt have a copy of World Net Daily tucked under one flabby white arm.

The above “court” was convened by one Larry Klayman. 

According to his website, Klayman founded Judicial Watch and Freedom Watch (ironic misnomers if ever there was one) and he claims that he once obtained a court ruling proving that Bill Clinton committed a crime (supposedly “the first lawyer ever to have done so against an American president”) . Klayman once ran for the Senate as a Florida republican (because, obviously, right?), he didn’t make it past the primaries.

I suppose it goes without saying that he’s a weekly columnist for World Net Daily.

He also claims to have been the inspiration for the Tea Party Movement.

 

I’ll just pause for a moment so you can savor the frothy libertarian Tea Party patriot that is Larry Klayman.

 

Earlier this month, Klayman penned a piece entitled “Obama, come out with your hands up” in which he called for all true Americans to rise up in insurrection against the government and to send Obama to “72 Virgins.”

Klayman says he’s not really calling for violence per se but, on the other hand, it’s important that Obama knows that he and his buddies mean business.  And how exactly Obama is supposed to receive his virginal reward without being killed first, Klayman leaves as an exercise for the reader. Wink, wink.

According to Klayman’s article, he’d already convened his little “people’s court,” and when President Obama did not in fact accept the Tea Party’s gracious offer to “get off his knees and come out with his hands up” and be lynched, Klayman then declared a conviction in absentia.

His proclamation, posted on RenewAmerica (basically a clearing house for all things Obama Derangement Syndrome, supported in part by the likes of Alan Keyes), goes on to say:

The day of reckoning has come. Obama, having failed to plead in response to the indictment that was served upon him, waived his right to a jury trial. […] As a result, the citizens’ judge found him guilty on two counts of falsifying information to federal and state election officials. He was thus sentenced to the maximum prison term for these offenses of 10 years, and ordered to immediately surrender himself into the custody of the citizens of the United States and Florida.

Gather your torches and pitchforks, folks! To the castle!

Because that’s how we do it in America.

Rule of law? We don’t need no stinkin’ laws! People’s court! Mob rule! To the castle! To the castle!

You know, every time I lately hear the phrase “we the people,” I feel like Tonto in that old Lone Ranger joke: what you mean we, White Man? 

Seriously, did I miss the meeting? You know, the one where we, all three hundred million of us the American people, all got together and decided to lynch the president? Because last time I remember polling we the people, well, we reelected President Obama. So, what does Klayman mean when he’s says “we?”. 

How come whenever Tea Partiers say “we the people,” the people they’re referring to are limited to themselves and their angry pinch-faced friends and the rest of us people don’t count? Why is that?

These people keep using the word “Constitution,” frankly, given the evidence, I don’t think the word means what they think it means.

And honestly, did I also miss an election? Who exactly appointed these Tea Party dolts to speak for me?

Of course, Obama will not willingly obey the law of the people.  He will attempt to hide behind the iron fences of the White House, perhaps cowering under his desk for fear that the people will rise up and demand his ouster.

You want to guess what fantasy Klayman dreams about each night? Telling, that line, isn’t it?

Obama won’t willingly obey some bullshit court of delusional old white hairs from Florida? Geez, you think? Rather than cowering under his desk, I suspect Obama will get a good chuckle at the Tea Party’s expense … and then go golfing. I sure hope so, the guy could use a little down time about now.

Then, to bring this libertarian wet dream home, here’s the money shot:

On November 19, 2013, […] I call upon millions of Americans who have been appalled and disgusted by Obama’s criminality – his Muslim, socialist, anti-Semitic, anti-Christian, anti-white, pro-illegal immigrant, pro-radical gay and lesbian agenda – among other outrages, to descend on Washington, D.C., en masse, and demand that he leave town and resign from office if he does not want to face prison time.

And there it is.

Revolution.

They couldn’t win legally in the courts.

They couldn’t win politically at the polls.

They couldn’t win constitutionally in the legislature.

They couldn’t win the hearts and minds of the public despite their claims of “we the people.”

So they’ve decided on overthrow of the government.

I forget, who are the criminals again? Who was it that believes in the Constitution?

Klayman mentions Gandhi, Paine, Reagan, and Kennedy.  He calls for those “singularly severely harmed” by President Obama to rally in Lafayette Park across from the White House and “give testimony” to their misery. He calls Republicans “inert and castrated” for their inability to overthrow the government without his, Klayman’s, personal help. He opines that Russia is the leading world power under an evil “communist KGB leader Vladimir Putin” while the US is a mere shell of it’s former glory.

Our Founding Fathers pledged their sacred honor, fortunes, and lives to form a new nation under God […] the nation has come full circle to the tyranny that has been imposed by a new despot, one far more evil than King George III. King George III may have been a greedy “control freak,” but at least he was a Christian.

But the Tea Party, they’re not bigots, they’re not racists. It’s not about skin color. It’s not about religion.

Isn’t that what they keep telling us?

In the words of one of our great Founding Fathers and an architect of our Constitution, “we must, indeed, all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately.”

Deal!

These seditious suicidal lunatics can all hang together or they can all hang separately – or they can go hang themselves – I’m good either way.

I mean they can hardly complain if I convene a people’s court right here on Stonekettle Station and pack it with folks just like me. I’ll convict Klayman and his band of nutters all of treason in absentia when they fail to appear before me.  And then we can hunt them down with a rope in hand.

That’s the world the Tea Party wants to live in, right?

That’s exactly what these frothy lunatics are demanding. Mob rule. No Constitution, well not no Constitution per se, but rather a Constitution that only applies to “real” Americans – with the Tea Party deciding who qualifies. No rule of law, or rather the kind of law where the mob decides. Vigilante justice. No more long drawn out trials, no more pesky proof or forensic evidence, no more innocent until proven guilty.  We’ll have summary executions and public hangings just like in the old libertarian West. But instead of executing people for horse thievery, we’ll hang them for their political beliefs.  So it’ll be more like Bosnia than the Old American West, but hey, whatever. We’ll have stocks in the town square and maybe some public floggings. How about some public slut shaming. Scarlet letters. No more diversity, Christian white people rule and everybody knows their place as God intended, eh?

Get the townsfolk together boys, we’ll have a “fair” trial and a fine hanging! Shoot the nigger!

Forgive me, but at this point I’m having a hard time seeing the difference between Klayman’s Kangaroo court and a mob of fundamentalist Muslims stoning a rape victim to death or a group of Puritan Christians burning suspected witches at the stake – or, for that matter, a mob of Southern rednecks circa 1930 lynching a black man in his own front yard while the crowd cheers them on.

But then again all religious fanatics look pretty much the same to me.

As I sit here today, and watch these same conservative Tea Party fanatics blow up the government and push us ever closer to national suicide, I can’t help but think that if these people really want to convince me that I’m painting with too broad a brush, they’re not doing a very good job of it.

I’ve seen the world these people think they want to live in.

And I want nothing to do with it.