The Weakest Link

 

Remember Calvin & Hobbes?

What am I saying? Of course you do.

It was only the best comic-strip ever drawn. Like ever.

My favorite installment, besides Spaceman Spiff of course, was at the end of the first “Transmogrifier” story arc.

The Transmogrifier, for those of you not familiar with the astounding brilliance of Calvin & Hobbes, is a fantastical machine invented by the strip’s main character, Calvin. It is based on the infinite malleability of cardboard box technology and is powered by imaginarium. It bears a striking, if inverted, resemblance to Calvin’s time machine and the spacecraft he and Hobbes used to become the first six year old and tiger, respectively, to reach Mars. The Transmogrifier’s primary function is to transform boys into other lifeforms, such as  eels, slugs, bugs, and small dinosaurs. 

In this particular installment, Calvin and Hobbes are standing in their yard next to the machine discussing their recent groundbreaking experiments with lifeform transmogrification.

Hobbes: Your machines works amazingly well.
Calvin: It’s my own design.
Hobbes: What will you do with it now?
Calvin: Good question… (About this time, Susie Derkins, the slimy girl next door, happens by. Calvin raises his voice) …although I suppose we could turn Susie into a BOWL OF CHOWDER, if we could just get her in the machine!
Suzy doesn’t break stride and snarls over her shoulder, “Leave me out of your life’s plans, you little weirdo.”

 

God, I miss Calvin and Hobbes, and most especially the biting sarcasm of Susie Derkins, a girl after my own heart and who bears an unnerving resemblance to my own wife, especially the biting and the sarcasm part. 

 

What brings this up?

We the people.

Lately, these last four years anyway, I’ve been hearing We The People a lot.

I mean, like a lot.

Now, sure “We the people…” sounds pretty damned awesome when you put it in front of an entire Constitution, but I’m pretty sure Thomas Jefferson used the phrase only once, maybe twice, in conversation before George Washington called him out on it. What’s this “we” shit, Tom? You got worms or something?

Lately, every time, every single time, I hear the phrase, “we the people…” it’s almost always followed by some cockamamie demand or nonsensical scheme for “fixing” the United States of America.

We the people.

Oh, please.

Google “we the people” and see what you get. Go on, it’s fun. Like hitting your thumb with a hammer is fun.

We the people demand an end to war.

We the people demand the truth about the alien spaceship recovered from Roswell, New Mexico.

We the people demand to know the truth about fluoride.

We the people demand disclosure of bigfoot!

Remember that joke with the Lone Ranger and Tonto surrounded by hostile Indians? What you mean “we,” white man?

Like that. Exactly like that.

What do you mean “We?”

We the people? We? We, as in all of us? Who, exactly, appointed these lunkheads to speak for all of us? I don’t remember voting on this, because I’m pretty sure I would have voted them right off the island instead of electing them spokesman. Not even if I’d been drinking, because, seriously, I’ve never been that drunk. Never.

We the people. You’re kidding right?

I’m going to be honest with you, it seems to me that a lot of the people lately are, well, idiots. And by idiots I mean the drooling hairy palmed kind who are fascinated by their own bellybuttons. I’m sorry to be the one to point this out, but there it is. Idiots. The people are idiots. And I really don’t want to be included in any “we” that also includes them.

Leave me out of your life’s plans, you little weirdoes.

In states with concealed carry permits, when confronted by the police you are typically required to inform the officer immediately if you’re packing heat. I think we need something similar for idiots. I think they should be required to begin all conversations with “We the People” proclaimed with ponderous gravity and their arm raised like Lincoln giving the Gettysburg Address. See, that way the rest of us will know right away. Oh, you’re an idiot. Excellent. Now I don’t have to waste time listening to the rest of your silly jabber. Well, goodbye then and remember, first pants, then shoes.

Typically, these idiots are the ones screaming the loudest about having a voice in government.

Which is probably why the Founding Fathers specifically decided to form a Republic instead of a straight up democracy. 

Now granted, the First Amendment does give all American citizens the right to petition their government, even if they are idiots.

But up until recently, it’s been a huge pain to petition the government.  Which, upon reflection, was probably on purpose because it cut down, somewhat, on the idiots.

Theoretically you could talk directly to your congressional representative or senator – if you were the CEO of Exxon, say, or like really, really hot and not particular about banging creepy old men who smell of bourbon and dollar bills. Or what you could do is create a petition and then hang out in front of shopping malls pestering the hell out of random people for their signatures. See, that’s where the checks and balances part comes in, you’ve got to really want something if you’re willing to put up with the abuse of the general public in person, because, as I’ve mentioned, most of them are idiots. Once you’ve convinced, oh, say, like bizallion people to sign your piece of paper, you can either mail it in to the government or simply shred it yourself at the nearest Office Max.

However, when Barack Obama was sworn in, he brought a charming optimism to the Oval Office and he ordered the creation of a new White House website where citizens could directly petition the president and actually get answers. If twenty-five thousand people are willing to put their name on a petition, the President has promised to provide a response.

Because, really, what could go wrong with that? Right? Hello?

So far, eighty-two petitions have been answered by the President – including a detailed response to The People’s Freedom of Information demand for full disclosure of Obama’s beer recipe. The People had a right to know if there were any Muslims hiding in there, among the hops.

The White House calls it We The People and it ushered in a new era of closeness between The Idiots People and their elected leaders.  The website provides guidance for creating your own petition on behalf of the rest of us. Petitions should follow a specific format and should be on subjects that are of concern to all Americans.

Here’s an actual example from the website:

WE THE PEOPLE of the United States of America, pursuant to the Bill of Rights, Amendment One, declare that we are grieved over the presence of "CHEMTRAILS" in the airspace over the U.S.A. and hereby petition the United States government to take immediate action to cease all Geo-Engineering, HAARP & "CHEMTRAIL" activity in the airspace over the United States of America. WE, the People, further DEMAND an immediate, thorough and honest investigation into Geo-Engineering, HAARP, & what the substance called "CHEMTRAILS" actually consists of and discover the true purpose of spraying America (and its people) with harmful substances. THEREFORE, it is concluded that Americans are, and have been, under attack and have become the victims of BIOCHEMICAL WARFARE. We deserve answers to these charges.

Now that you know what this is all about, let’s see what The People have done with their First Amendment rights besides requesting more government issued tinfoil for their Magic Negro Ray Cranial Protection Cap and bun warmer.

Yes, let’s just take a look, shall we?

Let us just.

As I write this, there are one hundred and ninety-six petitions on the website.

At least one third have something to do with secession from the United States of America.

Texas leads the way with over a hundred and ten thousand signatures – most of which are from people in the other forty-nine states. Ouch.

Oregon wants to secede but remain an “ally” of the United States. Or in other words Oregonians would like all the benefits of being Americans, but without having a stinky black guy in charge.

Fourteen thousand people have signed a petition asking that all fifty states be allowed to secede, and then form their own nation together. Apparently they want to call it “The United States” to distinguish it from the nation they’re planning to secede from.

There’s a petition to require all seceding states to pay off their portion of the national debt before they secede. 

Now, I got to thinking about that. If we coupled this petition to the previous one, we might actually have a workable plan. Step 1) Pay off your part of the debt. Step 2) secede. Step 3) Once all fifty states have seceded, reform the Union debt free. 

Or, and here’s an idea, we all secede from Texas!  Sure.  See, we all  sneak out one by one without paying and then secretly reform the United States – leaving Texas stuck with a $16 Trillion tab. Hilarity ensues. 

Alternatively, if Texas stops acting like a dick, we could take them with us … and stiff Guam and Puerto Rico!

What?

Oh, right. I’m goofy.

Have you seen the actual budget plan?

Exactly.

Fine. Just think about it. That’s all I’m asking.

A number of cities within the seceding states have started petitions to secede from the seceding states and rejoin the United States – I recommend we call that the “West Berlin” option and I’m waiting for the petition from the seceding states requesting that the United States pay for a wall around the cities that succeeded in seceding from the seceding states.

Then there are petitions demanding that the secessionists self-secede or be unceremoniously stripped of their citizenship and deported to the country of their ancestors. I think this is a bit unworkable and it will probably end up costing us more than it’s worth, so I’m starting my own petition demanding that Obama issue an executive order making it legal for any loyal citizen to give any secessionist an atomic wedgie – alternatively you may key their Hummer.

Now not every petition on We The People comes from crazy secessionists.

We request that Barack Obama be impeached for the following reasons.
1. He proclaimed war in libya without getting congress approval first. Article I, Section 8- Only congress can approve to start war.
2. Obamacare is unconstitutional. Forcing US citizens to get health insurance whether they want it or not.
3. Obama disrespects our Constitution calling it flawed and trying to change it even after taking this oath: "I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the united States."
4. Appointing agency “czars” without Senate approval.
5. He’s black! Oh my God! He’s so black! There’s a black man in the WHITE House! (Ok, I just added number five in myself. But it seemed to fit)

There’s another one that petitions Barack Obama to allow the public examination of his birth certificate and school records.  I’m onboard with this, but only if Donald Trump is also required to admit his hair is really the malignant offspring of a unholy mating between biochemical warfare created from “CHEMTRAILS” and John Boehner’s self tanning lotion. Also, there should be some Nazis in there somewhere.

There’s a petition that demands the United States Government finally admit that Israel was responsible for the 9-11 terrorist attacks. I’d like to add an amendment to this petition making Ghana responsible for the sinking of RMS Titanic and designating Denmark as the scapegoat for Disney’s John Carter disaster.  Also, while we’re at it, let’s pin the blame for Windows Vista on Rhode Island.

In the “be careful what you wish for” category, there’s a petition to make President Obama implement a policy for declassifying discoveries by NSA Mathematicians (I swear I’m not making this up).  I used to work for NSA, I know a few of those “mathematicians.” I’ve had to sit in briefings while these socially awkward Wizards of Warcraft fumbled through a hundred Power Point slides filled with indecipherable gibberish. I’m not sure what the petitioner is expecting, but if you need a powerful sleep aid that will drop an ox, this would be it.

Then there’s the petition demanding that we “Stop destruction of our U-233 for more NASA space exploration, new cancer treatments, and thorium based energy abundance.”  Ah, yes, the Free Thorium Brigade.  They’ll be up to 25,000 signatures in no time.

My personal favorite is the petition that wants the White House to “Outlaw offending prophets of major religions.” I’m hip. Let’s outlaw offending prophets.  I’ve got a list of prophets who offend me, where do I sign? Also can we add in preachers, pastors, priests, rabbis, mullahs, shamans, witch doctors, and Ted Nugent?

Now it would appear that the entire site is filled with secessionists and conspiracy nuts and Obama haters.

And it is.

Because, really, didn’t see that one coming, right?

However, there are some, a few, petitions that are well reasoned proposals and I think the president should consider these seriously. Such as:

Nationalize the Twinkie Industry (America cannot afford to lose the sweet spongy goodness).

Build a statue of Master Chief Petty Officer John-117 on the lawn of the White House (because he’s done so much for us!).

Establish a new legal system of motorcycle riding "Judges" who serve as police, Judge, jury, and executioner all in one. (I AM DA LAAAAW!).

Have the president attend a Fark.com party, if scheduling doesn't permit at least have a beer with Drew Curtis. (I admit, this would be seriously cool).

This is what We The People have done with their First Amendment rights to free speech and to petition the government.

We the people. I hate to be this way, but how about you weirdoes leave me right out of your life’s plans, Okay?

 

But, hey, I’m sure they’ll totally do better with their Second Amendment rights.

There’s probably no need to worry.

But I digress.