Whole Lot Of Crazy

 

 

Lady, you're about a half a bubble off plumb, and that's for sure and for certain.
                                                                      Matthew Quigley to Crazy Cora
                                                                      Quigley Down Under

 

Is it just me?

Or do there seem to be a whole lot more crazy people than there used to be?

Now when I say “crazy” I don’t mean weird funny sexy crazy like Laura San Giacomo’s Crazy Cora from Quigley Down Under, a madly scrambled soul who, despite displaying moments of sober lucidity, spent much of her existence living in a make-believe world of could-have-been that was, for her, happier and better. Crazy Cora’s fantasy world was one where a life, instead of being violently lost, survived and prospered – in both senses of the word life. Cora was nuts, sure, and the events that drove her over the edge where terrible and tragic, but her manic insanity was bent to the selfless preservation of the helpless.

Crazy or not, Cora wanted to make the world a better and safer place and often did.

No, when I say “crazy” people, I’m talking the kind of thin lipped murderous crazy displayed by Alan Rickman’s Elliott Marston. If you’ve never seen Quigley Down Under (and really, you haven’t seen this movie? Seriously? This is one of the best non-western Westerns ever made. Stop what you’re doing and go watch it right now), Marston is the dangerous kind of crazy. Marston is oily smooth and greasy evil as only Alan Rickman could make him, oozing paranoia and casual malignance. Like Cora, Marston lives in a fantasy, only his world is a nightmare of an old American West transplanted to the Australian Outback, a place of Dodge City and Boot Hill and pistol duels and genocide. Marston laments that he was born too late and on the wrong continent. He wishes for the kind of place where he can just eradicate the undesirables, the weak and the helpless and the outcast. He regards the Aboriginals like vermin, like rats, to be exterminated without a second thought.

Elliot Marston wasn’t interested in making the world a better place. The only thing Marston wanted was more of what he already had.

Quigley, at least in some respect, was about the various facets of insanity and how we see our world. For that reason I often quote the Matthew Quigley line above to myself whenever I run into craziness.

Lady, you are about half a bubble off plumb, that’s for sure and for certain.

Maybe it’s because this is an election year.

Or maybe it’s because the GOP is meeting in Florida in the middle of a hurricane.

Maybe it’s just the heat.

I don’t know, but when Todd Akin is the head of any Committee with the word “science” in it (and that word isn’t proceeded by the word “creation”) and Mitt Romney's advisors are pushing Congress to preemptively declare war on Iran while Newt Gingrich is running classes at the RNC to teach conservatives how to tell the truth, well, it just seems like there are a whole lot more crazy people than there used to be.

Walleyed crazy.

Bug eating bang bang crazy.

Elliot Marston crazy.

For example, this morning I was reading an article about circumcision.

Maybe you’ve seen the hoopla about this? In light of the recent stiff resistance to the banning of male circumcision in Germany and elsewhere in Europe, The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) made a statement supporting the procedure, reiterating their position that infant male circumcision significantly lowers the risk of HIV, genital herpes, HPV, and other sexually transmitted diseases. According to the AAP, circumcision also reduces the risk of various infections and other health problems.  A little less than sixty percent of American males are circumcised at birth nowadays. The AAP would like to see that number raised a lot higher.

They say it’s for health reasons. They say medicine and science back them up on this.

But, of course, that’s not the real reason, is it?

No, circumcision is really a secret Jewish plot to rule the world, one foreskin at a time.

This conversation, from a couple of commenters under the Yahoo article:

- i guess these doctors are getting ready for wwIII, and they need to make
every one seem like a jew, i for one, dont believe in this, and i will not
circumcise my kids, i think the skin is designed to protect, just wash it
every time you take a shower.
                - Funny enough, most of the doctors in the Task Force that wrote
                   this policy are Jews, and I am almost sure that the current 
                   president of the AAP is also Jew - not 100% sure of that though…
                            - The CEO of Yahoo is Jewish. There have been 7 pro-cutting
                               articles in 4 days. And since the recent layoff, Yahoo
                               has little news to report as it is...

Oh Noes! The Jewish doctors are getting ready for a Jewish World War III and therefore they want to Jewinate newborn baby boys so they’ll be more Jewey.

Got that?

How, exactly, the shorn manliness of America’s newborns will help the nefarious Jews achieve world domination escapes me, but rest assured my electronic friends this threat to our national sovereignty must be rubbed out before it grows.

Oh what?  We’re talking about circumcision here, if you didn’t see the dick jokes coming (oops, sorry), you haven’t been paying attention.

I went looking at a few of the usual websites, apparently Jews taking over America through foreskin confiscation isn’t an isolated idea.   On a totally unrelated note, I’m still trying to figure out why the same people who are so afraid of secret Jewish Evil Plots of Evil are so adamant in their demands that America must sacrifice all to defend Israel. Are you afraid of Jewish people taking over the world and stealing our foreskins or aren’t you?  Make up your damned minds, I’m getting tired of trying to figure out the plot.

Crazy?

Oh, we’re just getting started.

Speaking of dicks, over on Fox News today’s guest columnist is none other than Michael Reagan, son of former President Ronald Reagan.  Michael is a political consultant and the founder and chairman of The Reagan Group. And let’s just say that the nuts didn’t fall far from the tree.

Michael Reagan is afraid of liberals hiding in his email.

Yes, that’s correct. Liberals. In the email.

Now we’re not talking about liberals using email to send Michael dick jokes. No, we’re talking about actual Liberals.

Hiding in the email.

Stealing from conservatives.

One of the benefits of the Internet revolution has been access to free e-mail.  However, as we now know, the supposed "free" e-mail has come at a cost. As a believer in the free market, it is impossible to begrudge online companies their success, however, conservatives are sacrificing privacy and supporting liberal causes. If you use a Gmail or Yahoo e-mail address and are pro-life, support gun rights and oppose ObamaCare, you are funding activities aimed at trashing your own beliefs.

Bawazah?

Reagan’s premise is this:  Google, Yahoo!, AOL, Microsoft, and other “liberal” companies trick conservatives into signing up for “free” email, and then they “make a fortune by selling all sorts of sensitive customer data to all kinds of companies that want to sell every imaginable good or service.”

Oh no! It’s capitalism run amok! Not every kind of imaginable good or service! Anything but that!

Predatory capitalism is only American when conservatives do it. That’s a freebee, Kids, write it down.

And then, see, those companies donate their ill-gotten dirty money to Obama.

According to Reagan, Yahoo co-founder Jerry Yang recently contributed $30,400 to the Democratic Senatorial Committee. Adding illusionary insult to imagined injury, Yahoo! employees contributed more than $17,000 to Obama’s reelection – but only $2,875 to Mitt Romney. Google employees contributed $263,000 to Obama and just $5,000 for Mitt Romney. Microsoft employees sent $362,742 to the Obama reelection campaign compared to a paltry $82,000 for Romney. 

Reagan writes that in 2012, the fifteen top members of Congress received contributions from Google, thirteen of those congressmen were Democrats.  Reagan doesn’t identify who he considers the “top” fifteen members, but he is particularly outraged by the fact that Google was the “eighth” biggest contributor to Nancy Pelosi’s war chest (Reagan doesn’t bother to mention how much Google contributed or who made the seven larger donations. Probably because those people don’t give out free email to conservatives).

Reagan also points out that this has been going on for some time, back in 2008 Google, its employees, and their families gave Obama nearly a million dollars.  And once he was elected, a bunch of Google executives went so far as to pony up $25K a piece of their own money, which they made at least in part by apparently tricking conservatives, for Obama’s Inaugural Committee. This is apparently totally different from those Wall Street banks who took our money without so much as a reach around and are now busy giving it to the Romney campaign, totally different. But I digress.

First they came for our foreskins, now it’s communism via email! Oh those Nazi bastards!

It’s an outrage!

Yes, an outrage!

Outrageous that good God fearin’ conservatives should be tricked into signing up for the liberal socialism of free email! That’s the first thing Hitler did, you know, hand out free email accounts. True capitalists, i.e. patriots, should pay for their email accounts.

It’s outrageous that a company not only embraces liberal ideas that obviously can’t possibly work but do anyway in total defiance of God’s Will, but then they go and make billions doing it while at the same time employing millions of Americans right here at home. And they have the unmitigated bald faced effrontery to be some of the most profitable and successful companies in America.  It’s blasphemy! How dare they flaunt Jesus like that? How dare they?

It’s outrageous that companies should support people and candidates Michael Reagan doesn’t approve of.  Conservatives granted corporations personhood and this is how they’re repaid? Holy Moly! Why what if this catches on? What if all those nearly aborted babies conservatives save grow up to be democrats? The ungrateful little bastards!

Can you believe that Google and Microsoft and AOL and Yahoo! would go and spend their money on candidates that they like?

And if that wasn’t enough, their employees and their families do too.

These people act like they can just support whoever they want! Just like conservatives.

God damn it! Have these liberals no shame? No shame at all?

Son of Reagan (And really, why didn’t Ronny rename the kid Jesus when he adopted little Mikey?), mentions, sotto voice, that these companies also, maybe, have affiliated political action committees which, uh, well, sort of also contributed to Republicans too – but those contributions are far smaller than the ones to Democrats. Mike doesn’t think that’s fair.

“Conservative friends and associates are often surprised when I ask, ‘Why are you supporting liberal candidates and causes with your free e-mail?’ They react with disbelief, but that is precisely what is happening.”

Yeah, I bet they’re surprised. 

Surprised Michael Reagan is allowed to wander around without a nurse. 

Reagan then casually mentioned how you can get an email address from Reagan.com without the taint of stinky liberalism on it, quite a bargain at $40US per year.

Show of hands, how many of you are going to sign up for an @Reagan account?

I was thinking about doing it, just because I so enjoy the idea of the kind of people who send me hate mail having to address it to TrickleDownThis@Reagan.com. Frankly I think that’s worth the $40. 

Michael Reagan will likely make a couple billion off of Texas all by its lonesome self.

Because there’s some major crazy going on down Texas way.

"[Obama is] going to try to hand over the sovereignty of the United States to the U.N., and what is going to happen when that happens? I'm thinking the worst. Civil unrest, civil disobedience, civil war maybe. And we're not just talking a few riots here and demonstrations, we're talking Lexington, Concord, take up arms and get rid of the guy. Now what's going to happen if we do that, if the public decides to do that? He's going to send in U.N. troops. I don't want 'em in Lubbock County. OK. So I'm going to stand in front of their armored personnel carrier and say 'you're not coming in here'. And the sheriff, I've already asked him, I said 'you gonna back me' he said, 'yeah, I'll back you'. Well, I don't want a bunch of rookies back there. I want trained, equipped, seasoned veteran officers to back me."

That was Judge Tom Head, county judge in Lubbock, Texas – land of pointy toed boots, hats, heat, and all the sun drenched crazy paranoid Elliot Marston you can shovel.

Judge Head, in his quest to help Texas remain the laughingstock of Crazyland, offered up that opinion last week on a local news show.

I get the impression that the judge is actually visualizing himself as some kind of Boris Yeltsin, standing in front of imaginary socialist tanks.

But come on, UN troops?

UN troops?

Seriously.  Have you ever met any UN Troops? Who’s going to invade Texas, the Dutch? Ecuadorians? All twenty members of Fiji’s Peace Keeping force? The Belgians? Who? You know who leads UN invasions? Us. Usually with the dickweeds from Texas in the vanguard a whoopin’ and a hollerin’ and waving their giant hats.

Jesus Hopalong Christ, what in the hell are these people smoking?

Why is it that those folks who think of themselves as the biggest bestest Americans are always the first ones to talk about revolution and revolt when they think they’re going to lose an election?  And you’ve really got to admire the raw naked crazy inherent in Judge Head, he’s the guy who thinks that raising taxes to help fellow Americans is communism, but raising taxes to hire his own private army to kill Americans and overthrow the government is somehow patriotic. 

Needless to say, Judge Head claims his words are being taken out of context.  He says he’s not calling for revolution in the event of an Obama reelection per se, just that he needs to be prepared to support fellow Texans if they rise up in revolt and Obama sends in the Belgians. Or something.   

If it had been anywhere other than Lubbock, Texas, Judge Head would have been sedated with a hypo-dart fired from a safe distance, netted like a blood maddened hammerhead during Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, hauled off to a remote spot in the middle of the Pacific Garbage Patch and unceremoniously dumped in deep water where he can’t do himself or anybody else any further harm. 

Seriously, Judge, you’re about half a bubble off plumb, that’s for sure and for certain.

I don’t know, maybe it’s just me.

But it sure seems like there are a whole lot more crazy people than there used to be.

And not the good kind of crazy either.