What Rick Perry Is Really Praying For

Dear God,

Despite the fact that making it rain in Texas was too much to ask you for, even though it would have saved lives, eliminated suffering for tens of thousands of your biggest and most devoted fans, and, let’s face it, been nothing but a simple wave of the hand for your supreme awesomeness. I mean, come on, a little rain? For the guy who created, you know, light? The Heavens and the Earth? All the living things that walk and crawl upon it and fly above it and swim in the big blue sea? You made, what? Volcanoes and Earthquakes and cats? I mean how goddamned – excuse me – hard could a little rain be?  But never mind that, praise Jesus. 

So, even though a little moisture was too much to ask for, we’re here today to ask you to shake your big magic God stick and fix our economy.

Yep, we’re asking you to take some time away from running the universe, making kittens and rainbows, keeping the sun burning, smiting the sinners, handing out cleft palates and giving children leukemia and all that stuff you do so well, and meddle directly in our economy. Yep.  That’s what we’re asking.  We’re asking this based on case law, you know, all those numerous examples in the Bible where your Awesome Munificence reached down and just made money and changed stock markets and fixed credit ratings and generated new industry from the dust and you know, shit like that. Could you do that? Because, man, that would be so cool.

Now, as you know, Awesome Super Magic God, America is your most favorite of all nations. Even though that’s not actually written down anywhere.  We know it’s true, you don’t have to say it.  Wink wink. We know.  So, I’m sure you’ll have no problem answering our prayers, even though you never actually answered the last one – not that I’m complaining, Praise Jesus.

Now, to fix our economy, you’ll have to fix like the whole world’s economy – and as long as you’re doing that, could you maybe fix the trade imbalance, kill all the Mooooslims, and maybe unleash a Deluge or a smiting on those fucking Chinamen? Oh oh oh! And the Mexicans too! Yeah.  That would be really awesome.  Also, we’ll need jobs, lots and lots of jobs.  And, um, could you magically fix our credit rating too? And give us, like, cheap oil or maybe atomic cars?  Oh, and as long as you’re at it, could you maybe turn down the fucking heat just a notch or two? Because seriously, it’s like Hades in West Texas. If you’re cold put on a sweater or something.

Also, if it’s not too much trouble, could you please just reach into the minds of everybody we disagree with and erase their brains? Then we’d like you reprogram them into believing everything we believe.  Because, man, it’s just so darned hard to deal with those people.  They keep using science and facts and brains and pointing out our logical fallacies.  They suck.  So, if you could just make them like us, that would be great.  Dear Stupendous Awesome Brain Squeezer, never mind the morality of turning everybody else in America into magic meat puppets, as long as we do it in Jesus name it’s totally ethical.

In return, we promise to hate gays, Muslims, Jews, Atheists, liberals, progressives, moderates, brown people, the poor, the aged, the infirm, science, history, Europe, Al Gore, George Soros and that fucking anti-Christ Obama. We’ll shout your praises, we’ll sing, we’ll roll on the floor and bark at the moon and only have sex in the missionary position on our birthdays after fasting and prayer and oh yeah, we also promise to just keep doing pretty much the same exact thing we’ve been doing – you know, being selfish greedy assholes – because we know how much that pleases your awesomeness.

So anyway, in summary, as your chosen ones and despite the fact that fixing our economy is well within our own capability without any kind of divine intervention at all, we’d really, really, really, really, like it if you could just make it all better without us having to do any actual work of any kind whatsoever, or compromise with anybody else, or do anything other than what we’ve been doing all along.  

Okay? Great.

Amen.

Yours in humility, Rick.

 

P.S. I’d really like to be President. Oh and could I have a pony and a plastic rocket ship too? Thanks

 

P.P.S. We’re still waiting on that rain.