If The Constitution Was Written Today

This post first appeared on Stonekettle Station on June 12, 2011.

Since the reelection of a certain dark skinned gentleman and the start of the most recent gun debate, I’ve seen a massive uptick in web searches for rewriting the US Constitution so as to make Christianity a specific requirement for citizenship, gun ownership an explicit right granted directly from Jesus, force the removal of a certain undesirable segment of the population who likes to hug bunnies and eat tofu, and install a Genuine American in the White House.

This trend both amuses and appalls me.

I try to avoid recycling too many posts, especially the humor ones, but this bit seems like it might be worth updating. Rather than repost it, I’ve made a few changes and moved it to the front of the blog timeline complete with the original comments. //Jim

---

The Constitution of the United States of AWESOME!!!!!
Version 2, 2013

The Preamble

We the PATRIOTIC naturally born CHRISTIAN conservative ENGLISH speaking patriots of the awesomely exceptional GOD blessed United States of Awesome!!!! … in Order to form a bunch of states that have their own laws and do whatever the hell they want without regard to a central government (but in no way resemble that sissy European Union) … establish JUSTICE for people who look and think just like us … insure domestic Tranquility by deporting all the people we don’t like … provide for the common defense contractor, eliminate any and all social programs, and secure the Blessings of JESUS and Wall Street unto our exceptional selves and to hell with wussy future generations, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of By GOD America!!!!

Alternatively, instead of this preamble, Americans may just misquote a bunch of random stuff from the Declaration of Independence and/or made-up quotes attributed to Ben Franklin that they find on the Internet.

Amen.

The Middle Part

(That Nobody Reads Anyway Except for Stupid Liberal Judges who hate AMERICA)

The Government of the United States of AWESOME will be made up of three parts: The President, Jesus … and some other stuff.

The President must be a born again white guy from TEXAS or OHIO who believes in JESUS!!! and can trace his ancestry back to the Mayflower … he should have some kind of law degree but not from one of those fancy elitist colleges full of stinky Liberals who hate America, he must be a man of the people whose family lives in some kind of “compound” or “Estate” and owns at least one major defense contractor or a bank, he must have started his own Fortune 500 hundred company, served in war or have a minimum of two draft deferments, was an astronaut or fighter jock, was director of the CIA, a former governor, is an ordained Baptist minister, and can leap over tall buildings in a single bound, also he should be humble too. Also, he must believe in JESUS!!!!! Also he should have gray hair, but the distinguished kind of gray not that creepy old guy gray, and he should be tall but not freakishly so, he should always wear a little flag pin on his lapel and he should be able to JUGGLE or do a funny dance at BBQ’s. Also he should own a boat or a baseball team. Also, his wife should be HOT and love AMERICA and hate Muslims and eat meat and pie (NO Salad!). Also she should be HOT, like cheerleader hot and have a girl job (No LAWYERS!) like making brownies and babies and stuff like that.

Congress should work for free and PRAY a lot … Also they should call each voter (but not during dinner or the game) and ask how to vote on each bill! They should make laws and speeches and stuff that makes JOBS but no taxes or regulations. Also we should have like, roads and airports and big wall across Mexico and some stuff like that, and it shouldn’t cost us anything because it’s, like, PATRIOTIC.

Judges should always pray to the Ten Commandments before making any ruling!!!!!!

We should have a big honking military made up totally of Navy SEALS and MARINES and Stealth Bombers who blow up brown people and go around saving the world … Also, Soldiers must either die heroically or come home perfectly OK and go to work in a car factory so that they don’t cost us anything and we don’t have to listen to that sissy liberal crap about how we owe them VA benefits and shit! They get a parade, that’s all the Greatest Generation got and they were GRATEFUL and totally humble and not all screwed up … Also, they should keep their uniforms and put them on and march in 4th of July Day Parades and be AWESOME, and then never mention their service for the rest of the year because that makes us feel guilty about how we spent all of Vietnam serving in the Young Republican 82nd Draft Deferment Brigade of Patriotic Americans For Patriotism.

Screw cholesterol!!!!!

Also, we officially hate France, homosexuals … and Al Gore…

That’s pretty much it. The states will take care of everything else because STATE governments are super awesome and always do exactly what we say in a totally AWESOME manner that we approve of….

The Bill of Righteousness:

1. Right: Guns, Jesus!!!! plus Guns. And Jesus. Also, guns that fire Jesus bullets.

2. Wrong: Brown People, Red People, Yellow People, Poor People, Homeless People, Gay People, Female People, Foreign People, Handicapped People, Hungry People, Sick People, Liberal People, Moderate People, Progressive People, People Who Don’t Love Jesus, People Who Drive Too Slow In the Fast Lane, Electric Cars, Tofu, and the French.

This Constitution is perfect and totally AWESOME and always will be for all generations, forever. Period. Americans will consider this document holy writ handed down directly from GOD to Moses who gave it directly to Thomas Jefferson personally. Jesus then blessed Ben Franklin’s Glock and told him that all REAL Americans have the inalienable right from their AWESOME creator (GOD!) to rise up in armed rebellion against the government any time they feel scared by black people. Or Latinos. Or Liberals. Basically, whenever, because TRUE Americans love America enough to blow it up and live in a bunker. That’s freedom! All true Americans are born with complete knowledge of the Constitution printed on their brain directly by Jesus and anybody who disagrees is a filthy beret wearing communist homosexual who probably drives a Prius and eats tofu made from aborted Babies. Also, Nazis.

Signed,

John AWESOME Hancock.