Ten Reasons Why The Rapture Didn’t Happen

Well, that figures.

No Rapture.

Jesus is scheduled to work, what? one lousy day in 2,000 years ... and he couldn’t make it in?   I guess he went fishing.  Frankly, this guy gives carpenters a bad name.

So now what?

Are we going to Rapture or not?

Do we reschedule?

Its there a backup date?

Honestly, you’d think what with email and the internet and 24/7 news and megachurch pastors with a direct line to God there’d be better communication on this, after all look how much salvation costs each month.  Is there a money back guarantee? Has anybody lodged a complaint with the Better Business Bureau?

If we are going to reschedule, I’d like to mention that next weekend is not good for me, Rapture wise, I’ve got an Ultimate Paintball match against Zombie space aliens at Area 51 with Big Foot and Amelia Earhart (What? You don’t believe in Amelia Earhart? Ooookay. But Rapture, flying naked up into space with Jesus, you’re good with that? Right. No. No. I totally respect your beliefs. Totally).

Frankly, I’m shocked, shocked I tell you, that the Rapture didn’t happen. 

Harold Camping seemed so sure – not at all like a doddering crazy old coot high on sugar-free pudding and Alzheimer’s medication.  I mean, sure, all those other prophets were wrong, but Harold, boy, I really thought he might be the one. 

So, how could this be? How could Rapture not happen? There must be a reason.

 

As you might guess, I have a few ideas.

 

Here’s ten possible reasons why God didn’t call the faithful home last night:

1. Turns out God finds smug born-again evangelicals as just about as irritating as the rest of us and doesn’t want them stinking up his house either.

2. It did happen, but it turns out nobody qualified for Rapture.  Heaven is all ready. Big banners, “Grand Opening! Welcome Saved– thanks for a lifetime of not being a selfish dick and for doing what Jesus actually said.”  Staff all turned out in bright shining white coats.  Granite polished.  Fresh coffee. Harps playing. And nobody shows up. Turns out they had a shitty business model. Did you know that nine out of ten new businesses fail in the first year? Bummer.

3. TSA wouldn’t let naked people through security screening. “Look pal, I don’t care if you are travelling with Jesus, you cover that thing up right now or I’m putting you on the no-Rapture-fly list.”

4. Jesus overslept.  “What? 2:30? In the afternoon. Fuck! Worse hangover EVAH! Whose idea was it, doing Rapture on a Saturday anyway?”

5. Daylight savings time.  The Rapture will go on as scheduled – it’s just going to be an hour later is all.

6. Jesus is a jerk – he’s like Lucy and the football.  “This friggin’ kills me! Watch, no matter how many times I pull this gag, they still don’t get it! Watch, watch.  Haaaaaaarollllddd, Rapture is now scheduled for 2:15AM, November 2nd…  Ha Ha! Look at ‘em go! Like little ants!”

7. What God actually said was, “I may end the world on the 21st, if you assholes don’t start behaving. Don’t make me pull this car over, because I will, I mean it this time.”

8. It happened, but only married Gay people got to go. The Rapture was small, but it was fabulous!

9. Turns out Heaven is a place where nobody works, everybody is equal, you don’t need money, food’s free, and nobody gets sick. It’s a socialist hell! The Rapture is on hold until it can be privatized.  You’ll be issued a voucher which can be redeemed for redemption at a later date.

and

10. Harold Camping used Creationism Math.  “Let’s see, take (((The Great Deluge) x (The Crucifixion) – (burning bush)) ^Jesus /  (Jews) + the Square Root(Valley of Death)) / (Leap Year x 7000)… Satan cancels out … carry the 1 … should equal May 21st, 2011!  Wait, what the hell, no rapture?  Oh maaaaan, Goddamnit! The Jews are supposed to be negative. Crap. How about giving me a fucking sign here, Jesus!

 

Bottom line: What have we learned, Children?

Right, never listen to crazy people who tell you the world is going to end if you don’t send them money.

Save your money.

So, you can buy my book about how the Mayans were totally right about 2012.

 

 

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