I’m certainly no genius when it comes to math.
But, you know, I can do basic arithmetic. You give me a #2 pencil, some data points, and a nice piece of graph paper and I can plot a curve. That’s what I’m saying here.
Meet Joe Miller, rightwing Senatorial candidate from Alaska.
A couple of data points:
Joe wants to end farm subsidies … yet he himself applied for and received such benefits.
Joe wants to get rid of unemployment insurance, he says it’s unconstitutional … and yet he fired his own wife (after he hired her illegally) instead having her resign. Firing her allowed the woman to collect unemployment benefits. Resigning didn’t.
Joe talks about integrity … see previous paragraph.
Joe wants open government … but claims “Attorney Client Privilege” when asked about his own work for the government here in Alaska.
Joe condemns Barack Obama for not releasing personal records … but refuses to release his own records or answer any more personal questions from the “Lamestream” media.
Joe is pro-life … and pro death-penalty. What's that called, retroactive abortion?
Joe condemns the Alaskan Dispatch and other bloggers for twisting his words and claims we create falsehoods about his position … yet he blatantly and deliberately and provably lied about Senator Lisa Murkowski’s vote on the Healthcare bill. When called out on it during a live TV debate by Murkowski herself, shrugged and continues to do it. It's not hypocrisy if you're doing it for Jesus, just sayin'.
Joe talks about Alaska for Alaskans … and takes significant support in both money and campaign assistance from the out of state TEA Party Express.
Joe thinks the scientific evidence for global climate change is “dubious at best” … but the pseudo-science behind creationism and other religious mythos is totally credible and should be taught in school.
Joe wants to end federally funded programs like Denali Kid Care here in Alaska … now that his brood is no longer enrolled in the program.
Joe wants to end federal funding for education, and indeed he wants to eliminate the Department of Education altogether because he says it’s unconstitutional … and seems to forget that taxpayers paid not only for his West Point education but then loaned him a whole bushel of money for his Yale law degree - money which he still hasn’t paid back by the way, despite his substantial income. (Oddly, on a related note, Joe still hasn't answered my and other veterans' question: i.e. if the Dept of Education isn't constitutional since it wasn't mentioned in the Constitution, what about the Department of Veteran's Affairs? The Department of Energy? What about the Department of Homeland Security? Hello?)
Joe believes in “equal justice under the law” … except for certain folks who shouldn’t be allowed to serve openly in the military or get married or adopt children or teach or, well, you know, but other than that people should be equal. Well, maybe except for those bastards who don’t believe in the correct Jesus.
Joe rails against the arrogance of Washington … but wants to rescind the 17th Amendment because he thinks voters are too stupid to be allowed to choose their own Senators, that you see should be reserved for totally humble lawyers and men of the people who went to West Point and Yale. See, Joe wants government “closer to the people” and according to Joe the way to do that is to empower government to decide who gets to be government. No contradiction there. Not at all. These are not the droids you’re looking for. You can go about your business. Move along. Move along.
Joe thinks Medicaid is unconstitutional … now that he no longer needs it to support his eight children. Except maybe he didn’t actually need the assistance his family got, but that’s totally different from those welfare parasites who just keep having babies they can’t afford. Yes sir, it is. Totally different.
Joe wants to eliminate big government (and the federal employees that go with it) … yet oddly fails to mention that the vast majority of his own employment has been state and federal jobs and that he is actively and aggressively seeking another government job right now.
Now we draw the curve:
Joe hates gay people, saying homosexuality is “a sin and therefore immoral” …
What?
No, I’m not insinuating anything. Nothing at all. Certainly not. And I have no idea where you got that idea. I never even implied that he has a shirtless Mr. Sulu poster on his garage wall, that was totally your idea. I’m appalled that you would even think it, yes I am.
Even if Joe Miller is an ultra-conservative republican…
Stop that.
And an ultra-religious Christian…
I said stop that.
Who wants to be a Senator…
Why do you hate America? Why?
With a beard…
Now you stop that! Stop that right now!
Look, I’m just saying that if you give me some graph paper I can tell the difference between a curve and straight line.
That’s all.
_________________________________________________________
Note for those who don’t read this blog on a regular basis: Tongue firmly in cheek here, even if Joe’s face rug does set my Gaydar to flashing in rainbow colors.
I ended up googling Joe Miller, and I will say his Wikipedia photo just looks to, um, happy shall we say. I also find it deeply amusing that under the Political Positions section, Wikipedia says that he supports abortion, and then, that he supports the death penalty. The hypocrisy would be staggering if it wasn't so expected.
ReplyDeleteWell, we've established that he's a hypocritical lying weasel who is willing to say anything that will get him elected.
ReplyDeleteCompared to Sarah Palin, Sharron Angle, Christine McDonnell, and that Palidino douchebag, Joe Miller appears almost sane.
ReplyDeleteGoddamn! Einstein was right, things are relative!
And compared to that bunch most of our right-wing politcos up here (or a little to the east of Jim) are like Einstein - guess it is all relative.
ReplyDeleteWhat? You are expecting consistency from a republican, let alone a teabagger?
ReplyDeleteIt almost makes California politics look sane. Almost.
ReplyDelete::goes and looks at Joe::
ReplyDeleteHmmm... Joe *IS* kinda hot... in a rugged-Gay-Alaskan-John-Ritter kinda way.
Does he wear tight jeans a lot? You know, to capitalize on the rugged-Alaskan hottie look?
How about leather? I'm betting his missis loves seeing him in a pair of leather chaps.
Does he teabag? In any sense?
I'd do 'im!
But then... I think he's straight. Because good Gay men wouldn't look so gay on purpose.
Because good Gay men wouldn't look so gay on purpose
ReplyDeleteBawahahahaha. I think I just hurt myself. Thanks, Rob
Now now, Jim, this is the USA, where everyone enjoys the presumption of straight until caught in an airport stall petitioning a rentboy...
ReplyDeleteLaughing hard, trying not wake the daughter and her mate as I sit here prepared to leave Phoenix in the morning--Phoenix, where I lived three years and then got the hell out of Dodge right before the housing bust and other negative consequences of the ongoing corruption in Arizona hit the fan. I couldn't stand the pure meanness, greed, criminal justice corruption, and general selfishness that drives the engine of Phoenix, so we left. (Near my middle-to-upper-middle class neighborhood in Tempe was a billboard calling Kerry a communist, and I witnessed with my own two eyes the intentional disenfranchisement of poor black voters. Yep, right here in Phoenix.)
ReplyDeleteSomehow, I ended up in another state with politics that are...um...colorful.
Thank you Jim, for another gut-busting funny while also insightful post. Bless you!
I would please like a link to that shirtless Mr. Sulu poster. Thank you. :)
ReplyDeleteOH MY!
ReplyDeleteI love those George Takei commercials
I think I've made this comment elsewhere, but the big difference between liberals and conservatives, our whackaloons are kind of relegated to the corners of the party, and as long as they don't double dip the guacamole, we make sure they're medicated and ignore them. The conservatives, on the other hand, roll them out on the front lawn and try to sell them to strangers.
ReplyDeleteAnd lately I've been re-evaluating if I should go with the bullpup design, or something I can glean ammo from the dead bodies to resupply.
Got another data point for you, Jim: Miller has on his payroll a notorious anti-gay activist who
ReplyDelete...runs a project called "Hope for Homosexuals" that encourages "practicing homosexuals to 'come out' of that destructive lifestyle, and to 'come home' to the love and forgiveness of Jesus Christ… While the homosexuals celebrate their perversions, they are confronted with the truth that there is hope for deliverance in Jesus Christ." (emphasis added)
Not sure why Miller needs that kind of help, but okay. And of course I'm not insinuating anything. I am merely observing.
I was tempted to throw in a gratuitous "not that there's anything wrong with that," but of course it's always been sad--along with the obvious schadenfreude humor--whenever a public figure who has railed against homosexuality has been, shall we say, caught behaving in a manner not inconsistent with a homosexual sexual orientation. Not that having a wide stance makes you gay, of course; human sexuality is a complicated thing and all that. But if you are gay, hey, be cool with yourself, you know? Not, again, to suggest anything about Mr. Miller requiring someone on his staff who handles... er... let me start over and rephrase that. Ahem. Not, again, to suggest that there is anything wrong about Mr. Miller hiring someone to address his homosexual issues... wait, that wasn't any better. Er. Is there a non-gay to make the point?
I'll just quit now.