You might be a Teabagger if…

 

- you’ve recently apologized to an oil company … right after depositing a large check.

-  you insist on “fiscal responsibility” by refusing to continue unemployment benefits for lazy parasites “who won’t get a job” while demanding that the Bush tax cuts be extended to hard working Americans “who are bearing the burden of the financial crisis”… you know, like Paris Hilton.

- you drove your Hummer H1 to the Tea Party rally … in order to protest national energy policy reform.

- you think states rights are really important and each state should be able to determine what’s best for its own population … so you join the Tea Party Express and travel to other states in order to make sure they elect only the candidates Sarah Palin decrees are right for them.

- you declare yourself a real American patriot and proclaim to all who will listen how you’ll fight to the death for this country but like Sarah and Glenn and Rush and Dick and Ann and Michelle and Sharron, you have never actually put your own ass on the line or served in the military yourself … because that kind of thing is for suckers, knuckle draggers, morons, and other people’s kids.

- you know the goddamned biased liberal lamestream media can’t be trusted … because FOXnews and the Wall Street Journal told you so.

- you solemnly swear to leave the country and never come back if a certain liberal is elected to the presidency, and then you just sort of shrug and shuffle your feet and claim you were kidding when it comes time to make good … but everything else you say is absolutely true. Swear to Jesus, a man’s word is his bond. Trust me. 

- you’re mad as hell and you’re not gonna take it anymore and by God you’re passionate about taking America back for true Americans … you know, the 5% of the population who aren’t Liberals (or liberals) or centrists or moderates or progressives or those damned  RINOs or those stinking socialists or the queers or those funny looking brown skinned people or those slanty-eyed sons of bitches or people with accents or people who don’t go to your church or those city folks or those “native” (yeah, right) Americans or the Elites or the bunny huggers or, well, you get the idea, those damned anti-American people, those bastards, you know.

- you don’t want one penny of your tax dollars going to bail out Wall Street or Detroit … because that money should be used for cleaning up after Exxon and British Petroleum.

- you’re sick and tired of empty slogans from Washington … because Mama Grizzlies are like pit bulls when it comes to that sort of thing, it’s just common sense.

- you can name all of America’s Founding Fathers by heart … lets see there was, uh, well, George Washington of course, and Abraham Lincoln and that guy what started the insurance company with the really big signature and Neil Armstrong and uh, um, don’t rush me, Sneezy, Grumpy, Doc, Curly, Moe, Larry and there was Jesus, he was there in the picture standing next to Ronald Reagan and Donner and Blitzen and the Nina, Pinta, and the Santa Maria and Lewis and Clark and Chuck Norris and well, look, if I ever need to know it I can always look it up in a Texas school textbook anyway so piss off you fucking hippies.

- you can’t believe people buy into hokey pseudo-science like global climate change … anybody who’s ever studied creationism knows real fact-based science when they see it.

- you believe unborn babies have a right to life, even if you have to kill somebody to ensure they are born … but once they’re sucking air those lazy welfare-dependent crackhead parasites better get a job, because they damned sure aren’t your problem … unless they’re brain dead in a coma and somebody wants to unplug them, then you’ll step up, you bet.

- speaking of abortion, you believe that not one dime of federal money should ever be used for an abortion of any kind. Ever. Even if you have to deny 30 million Americans access to healthcare to make sure … instead that money should be used for faith-based programs, something all Americans don’t mind their tax dollars being spent on. Plus, faith based programs are really, really effective and it’s not like you’re not getting your money’s worth out them. Just ask Bristol Palin.

- you believe that all Americans should have freedom of religion … to worship Jesus.

- you believe that anybody who protests the war should have the stuffing stomped out of them … by people waving posters of the president with a Hitler mustache.

- You’re mad as hell that the government hasn’t done more to protect the Gulf beaches … say by dissolving the EPA.

- You want America out of the United Nations … because isolationism worked so well for us in the past, plus chicks dig the rogue state.

- You keep doing the same thing over and over … and expect different results.

- You keep a copy of the US Constitution in your back pocket with the second part of the 2^nd Amendment highlighted … the rest of the document is mostly just “framing” anyway.

- You believe all Americans have the inalienable right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness … unless they’re gay.

- You’re foursquare against young girls getting the HPV vaccine … because cervical cancer is God’s way of keeping sinful women from becoming filthy whores! Like their mothers!

- You honestly think that the president, a Constitutional law professor from one of the best law schools in the country, doesn’t know anything about the Constitution … that’s why you want a bumfuck small town mayor and half term quitter with a 2-year degree in sports journalism (that took six years and three schools to earn) as president, because she’s the expert.

- You hate Washington gridlock … that’s why you voted out the moderates, centrists, and those willing to seek compromise. You’re either with us or you’re against us, either way let’s filibuster.

- You’re more than willing to discuss immigration reform … but like The Princess and the Pea, first the President must complete one impossible task. That’s reasonable, right?  It’ll be like a quest.

- You’re not a racist, you just think that if black people are going to be in the White House they should be qualified … as cooks, maids, and houseboys.

- You’re sure God is a Republican and you can quote the Ten Commandments and those passages in Leviticus as evidence of this belief and you insist that the Bible should be taken literally when it comes to things like rights and marriage and the law, but somehow you never seem to quote Luke 10:30-37

and Jesus said: "A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper. 'Look after him,' he said, 'and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.”  Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?" The expert in the law replied, "The one who had mercy on him." Jesus told him, "Go and do likewise"

… because the bible is more of a guideline that whatcha call actual rules. Right? Which is probably a good thing since it’s pretty specific in its condemnation of hypocrites.

 

 

Now you try.

 

 

 

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* I was working on another project, gathering information for a political spectrum design that incorporates the highly polarized current US political climate. As part of the project, I wanted to graph Conservative Tea Party ideology visually in a manner similar to that designed by David McCandles and Stefanie Pasavec in the book The Visual Miscellaneum (because as a student of Ed Tufte’s visual presentation of data concepts, I really, really like that design). The above observations were taken from numerous comments made by self-identified TEA party and/or conservative commenters in various forums across the net. It seemed a shame not to share.