From the Stonekettle Station Inbox: Tea Time

I get mail. Lately I’ve been getting mail from Tea Party people. Sometimes I respond, because it amuses me to do so. Allow me to share a recent conversation with you, this is one of the more coherent ones:

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Dear Mr. Wright,

I love your Stone Kettle Station, so don’t take this the wrong way.

You are a very good writer but you should stick to humor,  because your attacks on the TEA party and Governor Palin are inappropriate and wrongheaded. Your continued use of the disgusting insult “teabagger” is beneath someone of your talents and equating patriotic Americans to homosexual perversion is deeply offensive to many people. You need to stop doing it now and apologize immediately.

The TEA party is not composed of crazy or stupid people and they are some of the smartest people I have yet met. I invite you to attend any rally anywhere in the country. You will see we represent real America.

Sincerely, <name deleted – I’ll call him Lipton, like the tea, the kind that comes in a teabag>

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Don’t take this the wrong way?  You’d be a great writer if you’d only write what I want instead of what you actually write. Yes.

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<Lipton>,

I’m intrigued.  Define “real America.”

Also, you appear to be confused as to the origin of the term ‘teabagger.’

//Jim Wright, Stonekettle Station

P.S. You probably shouldn’t hold your breath awaiting my imminent apology.

 

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Dear Mr. Wright,

I resent your implication.  You’ve made it quite clear on your blog that you think we are all racists or bigots.  But it is not racist to point out that so-called multiculturalism is destroying our country.  We are losing our America by trying to be all things to all people. America is a country of majority rule, minorities need to adapt to the norm of the majority instead of diluting our culture and traditions.  Political correctness is destroying everything from our traditional Christian holidays to school proms.  The president and our leaders should be members of the majority, not a minority, because they are supposed to represent the majority of Americans and not push the agenda of special interest.  You need to read the Constitution.

TEA stands for Taxed Enough Already, and we come from all walks of life.  Americans are being crushed by taxation in order to pay for a liberal socialist agenda that we do not want.  The founders fought for liberty from taxation. We are the spiritual inheritors of those great patriots and we must retake our country from this tyranny that is attempting to redistribute our wealth to people who aren’t even Americans!

Sincerely, <Lipton>

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All walks of life? Oh yes, we have both kinds of music, country and western!

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<Lipton>

Wow. You’ve certainly convinced me that I’m wrong about your organization.  You’ve also made it clear why everybody at your teabagger rally looks like they just came from a Ku Klux Klan potluck.

TEA may, in your mind, stand for Taxed Enough Already, but that’s not where the name of your movement came from.  You seem to forget that “teabagger” was first proudly used by members of tea parties, who dressed up in make believe colonial costumes and mailed tea bags to members of Congress and the President (which is odd, considering that the British colonial subjects who went down to throw crates of tea into Boston harbor were dressed as native Americans, but I digress).   You called yourselves teabaggers and you got ridiculed for it. Man up and deal with it.

While we’re on this subject, allow me to clarify a couple points:

1) I could call you all “ignorant stupid hysterical racist homophobic jesusfreaking rightwing assholes” but in the context of my blog teabagger is just easier to type and means the same thing, so I’ll stick with that. OK?

2) The act referred to as “teabagging” is neither the exclusive domain of gay men or necessarily a “perversion” (hell, in some contexts it’s not even a sexual act).  In fact, teabagging is really only outrageous if it is performed between homophobic heterosexuals (and not necessarily all parties involved need be males – though obviously one must be).  There are numerous terms that define certain sexual acts that are used as insults, the fact that you are so offended by this particular one, and that you perceive it to be exclusively a “homosexual perversion,” demonstrates your organization’s deep seated bigotry and homophobia – well, that in addition to the overt bigotry and homophobia I mean.

3) Taxes, according to the Government Accounting Office and a number of independent sources, are lower now than they have been in over three decades.  And by  GAO and independent sources, I don’t mean Glenn Beck or FoxNews. Taxed enough already? You pay less taxes than damned near any other civilized country in the world, and less now than Americans have in over 35 years.

4) Americans are hardly being “crushed by taxes.”  During the Great Depression, 30 million Americans lived in Hoover Towns and subsisted on boiled barley and nettle soup and lard sandwiches. You? You had to settle for the 46” LCD TV instead of the 76” Plasma.  You’re not so destitute that you can’t afford an internet connection. Oh, the humanity, how shall we bear this terrible burden?

5) Look up the definition of “tyrant.”  Seriously.  While you’ve got the dictionary open, look up “majority.”  You teabaggers are, by your own claim, not a party. You’re leaderless, unorganized and beholden to no one, so say you.  By your own press releases, you’re a mob of angry ignorant people who make up a fraction of American voters. A fraction. Not a majority. And since you are a minority - according to your own words - your opinion doesn’t matter. QED.

6) I suppose we could refer to it as Reagonomics or Trickle Down Economics or the Free Market Adjustment, if “redistribute the wealth” scares you so much. Redistribution of wealth is what capitalism is all about.

You’re going to have to do better than regurgitate puerile teabagger talking points at me.  Fail, try again. 

//Jim Wright, Stonekettle Station

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Personally, I’d say it’s probably a good thing that they didn’t call themselves “felchers.” Just saying.

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Dear Mr. Wright,

Please stop describing disgusting sexual perversions in your replies to me. This is my family email address and I don’t appreciate such language. Your attitude towards Christians is disturbing and your disrespect is unacceptable. I don’t want my wife or children to see such things. You are very good with language, I’m sure you can get your point across without such vulgarity.

It is you that doesn’t know the definition of tyranny.  Everyday our rights are being taken away.  For example you do not have to look any further than the Federal Reserve, the so-called “Fed.”  America was founded as a capitalist society and it became the most powerful nation in history because of that.  But progressives and liberals imposed a socialist central bank on American business.  We used to be called the “arsenal of democracy” but not anymore because this secret central bank has destroyed American business and industry.  Now these same liberals are forcing government run healthcare down our throats not unlike Nazi Germany. 

You need to educate yourself.  I invite you to any TEA Party meeting so you can see for yourself.  If you keep an open mind you will be surprised. I would love to see you write about that experience, because it will change your life.  We could use people like you.

Sincerely, <Lipton>

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Lipton has an unusual recruiting technique.

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<Lipton>,

Would Jesus be offended if I used the term Testicle Gargler instead of teabagger? How about Scrotum Dipper? Ball Washer? Nut Nibbler? Teste Tonguer? No? 

As to disrespecting your religion. Respect goes both ways, Sparky, you want respect? You have to give it.  When God starts respecting the beliefs and lifestyles of others, I’m sure he’ll get the appropriate respect in return. Ditto for Jesus. Frankly, I’m not holding my breath on either one, since it doesn’t appear the apple rolled very far from the tree.

Speaking of educating yourself: Step One, stop listening to Ron Paul.  Seriously, <Lipton>, the whole “Federal Reserve is unconstitutional!” routine is such laughable bullshit that I’m not even going to address it.  And your timing is about three decades off, since the whole “arsenal of democracy” bit was during WWII, about 30 years after the implementation of the Fed.  Step Two, stop listening to Sarah Palin. Or anybody who uses the “Nazis forced people to get universal healthcare!” argument – because seriously here buddy, that’s just fucking retarded. 

Honestly, <Lipton> you want me to believe that teabaggers aren’t ignorant and stupid? Then you should probably stop acting ignorant and stupid and should probably stop following people who are ignorant and stupid.

//Jim Wright, Stonekettle Station.

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Mr. Wright,

I am very offended by your language and your disrespect towards Christians.  I will be contacting my lawyer and I will pray for you.

Sincerely, <Lipton>

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Don’t act like you can’t figure out what’s coming next.

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<Lipton>

So, I’m guessing a blowjob in the parking lot is out of the question?

I look forward to hearing from your lawyer.

//Jim Wright, Stonekettle Station

 

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Mail handler cannot deliver message.  Unspecified error, address blocked

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Address blocked? What the hell? I guess they can’t use people like me after all. Oh well.

 

I get mail folks, sometimes it’s from crazy people.