Turkey Day

Lake Lucille, Wasilla, Alaska. November 26^th, 2009.

Question: What if Levi took her up on her offer? No, really.

 

[Tinny Music, sounds sort of like Hail to the Chief played on a banjo and a kazoo]

SP:  It’s the door bell! Probably my folks! I’ll get it, you betcha.

[Sound of door opening]

SP: You!

Levi: S’up, Beotch?

SP: What are you doing here?!

Levi: You invited me.

SP: Like hell!

Levi: I’m unemployed therefore I watch daytime TV. Oh and thanks for that by the way, you totally killed Oprah. She just quit. What the fuck did you do to her? Now I’ll have to get a job or something.

SP:  I’m a politician, you idiot, I was just bullshitting. I didn’t think you’d actually show up!

Levi: Life’s full of surprises. And who are you calling an idiot? I’m nineteen, I’ve got an excuse.  Speaking of which, Bristol around?

SP: Now you look here, young man…

Levi: Relax, I brought protection this time. Heh heh.

SP: Why I never…!

Levi: That’s not what Todd said there, of course he was pretty drunk. What’s a “Dirty Sanchez” anyway?  But hey I’m just kidding here.  I wouldn’t touch your daughter. Again. Unless she wanted to do a threesome that is. Heh heh.  Kidding, I’m just kidding. I’m thinking of branching out into standup comedy. Chicks dig that you know. Especially your daughter! Woot! Help me I can’t stop!

SP: I…can’t…breath

Levi: Whoa! Slow down there, Mrs. P.  I’m spoken for. I was just fooling anyway. Hey, meet my new girlfriend, Paris. Paris, meet The Bitchaccuda.

SP [makes sign of the cross]: Paris Hilton!?

Levi [shrugs]: Hey, I’m famous now, but I’m not exactly bright and I don’t really have any marketable skills except taking my clothes off and gossiping about famous people. 

Paris: And he’s soooo cute.

Levi: It’s like we’re soul mates.  Let’s just say that this thanksgiving I’ve got a lot to be thankful for! [Slaps Paris on the ass]. You gonna invite us in or what?

SP: I…uh…well…

Levi: I suppose I could spend the day making a YouTube video…

Paris [giggles] Let me put on some chap stick…

Levi: Heh. No.  I meant a serious video…though your idea is good too.

Paris [pouty]: I was serious…

Levi: Here, Mrs. P, look right into my camera phone and repeat that line about being full of shit on TV …

SP [through gritted teeth]: Fine. Come in. But try not to get any bodily fluids on my daughters, or the couch.

Levi: Oh, yeah, sorry about the couch, did you ever get the stain out? [Turns to shout at the car] C’mon, Ma! We’re good to go!

Paris: Brrrrrr! It’s cold here, Levi, I told you we should have gone to Hawaii. [A miniature creature bearing a vague resemblance to a tiny dog yips from her purse] Say, lady, is there a place Poochy can freshin’ up? They don’t have coyotes around here, do they? [looks around suspiciously]

SP: Why are you talking about yourself in the third person?

Paris [Rolling her eyes like Marty Feldman in Young Frankenstein] I thought you were!

SP: What?

Paris: What?

Levi: Whoa! You just got totally pwned by Paris fucking Hilton! This is gonna be the best holiday evah!

SP: Todd! Get the shotgun!

Levi: Is he sober? Great, ‘cause I owe him twenty dollars and now that they’ve published my book, I’m flush.

SP: You owe him? For what?

Levi: Your daughter?

SP: Todd! The shotgun! Now!

Levi: Man, it’s like the jokes just write themselves, this standup gig is going to be a total chick magnet, maybe I could come along on your book tour? I’d be like your opening act. We’ll make a killing! Heh heh, I’m kidding, I’ve got my own book thing going on. Anyway,  Mr. P bought me and Bristol some beer when we were all in that hotel and you were off with that old dude. I owe him twenty for that.

SP: Old dude?

Levi: Yeah, that old white haired guy you used hang out with, looked like Crazy Santa after a week at fishcamp. You guys were like Pinky and The Brain. You were Pinky.  Whatever happened to that guy, did he die?

SP: Are you talking about John McCain?

Levi: Who?

SP: Waitaminute! You have a book? You?

Levi: Rock on! It’s totally in all the book stores.  It’s for grown ups though, not like your book.  I brought you an autographed copy!

SP: This is a Playgirl!

Levi: I ain’t playin’, girl, believe it.  Just for you, help you work out some of those frustrations. Check out the centerfold, it’s a bull moose! [pokes Paris in the ribs. Winks. Holds his hands spread on either side of his head like moose antlers] Hope you got some fresh D cells, Mrs. P.  Hey, here she is, you remember my mom, right? She got some holiday furlough.

Paris: Brrrrrrr!

Ma Johnson: Whoa, fuck it’s slippery. Big fuggin’ mansion like this and I damned near broken my fuggin’ neck coming up the stairs. Dropped my smoke. Fuck! If I wasn’t so high, I’d be pissed! Who’doya gotta shank to get a light around here? Here, Governor, brought ya my famous Jello Shooter Salad, that’s a whole fifth of the good stuff in there so don’t drop it, $5 and two packs of smokes for a bottle of that, no shit.  Also, keep it away from open flame.  We had to bury Uncle Johnson, bless his soul, with no eyebrows, I had to paint them on in the casket with a Sharpie. So I ain’t fuggin’ kiddin’. No, don’t thank me.  Now who’s got a fuggin’ light?

SP: This is just a fifth of garbage can vodka.

Ma Johnson: Ya, nobody likes the jello or the salad part anyway.

Paris: Brrrrrrrr! BRRRR!

Levi: Man, this is gonna be awesome.  Parrrrrteee.  C’mon Ladies, lets meet the family. Where’s my kid. Eh? What was his name again? Wait don’t tell me, something Alaskan, right?  Moose? Big Moose Johnson! Where are ya, son?

SP: His name is not Moose!

Levi: Check out that centerfold, Mrs P. That’s my kid, they’ll be calling him Moose soon enough. Heh heh.

Paris: Bull moose [she tries to wink, but her eyelashes freeze together, making her look like a stroke victim]. I forget, what’s a moose again?

Levi: You’re so cute.

[The crowd pushes into the kitchen]

Levi: Well, this hasn’t changed. I thought you’d at least get rid of the those “Property of Wasilla Recreation Center” counters after you became Vice President. Maybe get some White House shit, what’s that called?

Paris: Stealing?

SP: I’m. Not. The. Vice. President.

Levi: You’re not?  You’re the King just like you wanted?  So the old geezer did croak then. I knew it. [turns to Paris] Who knows politics, eh? Told ya Baby.

Paris: You have such a huge…brain.

SP: McCain lost. If they’d only let me say what I wanted…

Levi: What? So like that terrorist guy is President?

SP: Where have you been?

Levi: Doing your daughter?

SP: Todd!

Levi: Well, at least you’re still Governor!

SP: No, I decided to explore other options.

Levi: Does that mean you quit?

SP: No, I resigned.

Levi: Me too.

SP: What?

Levi: I resigned too. I’ve been autographing my book for my fans. I signed and resigned like a million of those things, plus I signed a bunch of boobs, er, breasts. You’ve really got to press on those things to get the marker to write.  Here unbutton your blouse, I’ll show you...

SP: You really are an idiot, aren’t you?

Levi: Hey, I get to sign boobs and people pay me to take my clothes off.  What did you do again? Some kind of jogging magazine, wasn’t it? Who’s the idiot now?

Ma Johnson: Is that turkey I smell? Hey don’t just stand there, give me a mug of that jello salad.

[Todd enters the kitchen]

Todd: Dude!

Levi: Dude!

Todd: Whazzzup, Man?

Levi: She invited me.

Todd: Awesome, I told you she’d warm up to you! Whatcha been doing?

Levi: Your daughter?

Todd: Dude!

Levi: Dude!

[high fives and fist jabs all around]

Todd: You got my twenty? Holy Salmon Spawn, is that Paris Hilton? Damn! I’m like your biggest fan! I saw your movie on the internet, you’re a great actor! [Looks at SP]  Er…I mean, pleased to meetcha, ma’am.

Levi: Here’s your money, dude.

Todd: Dig it! Look’s like I’m making a beer run.

Ma Johnson: I’ll go with you…as long as we’re back by the time the fuggin’ turkey is ready. I fuggin’ love turkey, it’s not nearly as greasy as bald eagle. And I brought my good teeth today.

SP: We’re not having turkey.

Ma Johnson: Good thing I brought that jello then, speaking of which I’ll need a fill up here, I’m furggin’ driving.

Todd: That’s good, because I’m totally fucked up.

Levi: No turkey?

SP: It’s my special Thanksgiving moose chili recipe.

Todd: Yeah, she puts pumpkin in it. It makes your chili farts smell like Halloween in Mexico!

Levi: You’ve really got to learn how to cook something else.

Paris: I can’t eat moose, I’m a vegetable.

Levi: Vegetarian. And moose is a vegetable.

Paris: It is?

Levi: As far as you know.

 

[And so it went, eventually the police were called and another Wasilla Thanksgiving tradition marked the passing of yet another year.  Home, it’s where the family is.  Next: Christmas with the Palins or Levi Shows Off His Reindeer Sausage!]