Me (calling from work, after my son texted me letting me know he was home safe from school): How was your day?
Son: Fine.
Me: Study for two hours. Math. Science.
Son: OK.
Me: Two more things.
Son: Yeah?
Me: Go to the big chest freezer, get out the whole chicken.
Son: uh…
Me: Whole frozen chicken. Says “Whole Chicken” on the label. It’s on top. Looks sort of like a big bowling ball at this point. Get it.
Son: uh…
Me: (sigh) are you at the freezer?
Son: Yeah.
Me: Really?
Son: No.
Me: Go there now.
Son: (thump, bump, bang, slam, shuffle, shuffle [freezer is in the garage, it requires movement from the couch] bump bump thump [and I finally hear the correct door open over the phone]) OK.
Me: …
Son: …
Me: …
Son: …
Me: …
Son: …
Me: Open. The. Lid.
Son: OK.
Me: Do you see it?
Son: uh…
Me: (sigh) Chicken. Whole. Frozen. Chicken. On. Top. Looks. Like. A. Bowling. Ball.
Son: Oh…riiiight.
Me: Get it.
Son: OK.
Me: Go to the kitchen.
Son: OK.
Me: Wait!
Son: What?
Me: Close the freezer lid.
Son: It is!
Me: Really?
Son: …no.
Me: Close it.
Son: (Foomp!)
Me: Go to the kitchen.
Son: OK
Me: Wait!
Son: What?
Me: Take the chicken.
Son: …right.
Me: (with the patience of Job) Are you in the kitchen?
Son: uh huh.
Me: Really?
Son: No.
Me: Go there now. Don’t stop anywhere else. Try to concentrate. Kitchen
Son: OK
Me: Wait!
Son: What?
Me: Take the chicken.
Son: OK
Me: Are you there?
Son: Yes.
Me: Put the chicken in the microwave.
Son: OK…bye
Me: Wait!
Son: What?
Me: Push “Defrost”
Son: …
Me: Push. The. Button. Marked. “Defrost.”
Son: …
Me: …On the microwave.
Son: OK
Me: Set the timer for 30 minutes.
Son: …
Me: Push three. Zero. Zero. Zero.
Son: (Freep beep) OK
Me: Two more zeros
Son: (beep beep) OK
Me: Push “Start.”
Son: OK
Me: Is it started?
Son: uh huh.
Me: I can’t hear it. Are you sure?
Son: Yes.
Me: Good. Now go turn on the dishwasher. You forgot to run it last night. There are no clean plates for dinner. (It’s the boy’s job to clean up after dinner).
Son: OK.
Me: Did you start the dishwasher?
Son: Yes.
Me: Really?
Son: I’m doing it.
Me: Wait!
Son: What?
Me: Put a soap tablet in it.
Son: OK
Me: Did you do it?
Son: Yes.
Me: Really?
Son: I’m doing it now.
Me: I didn’t hear the dishwasher door open and close.
Son: (Whump!)
Me: I didn’t hear the cabinet door open and close (where the soap tablets are stored)
Son: (Thump!)
Me: Wrong order.
Son: What?
Me: PUT SOAP IN THE DISHWASHER NOW!
Son: OK (Thump! Whump!)
Me: Turn it on.
Son: It is.
Me: Turn. It. On.
Son: I meant I’m doing it now.
Me: Is it on?
Son: Yes.
Me: Remember, study. Math. Science. Two hours. Then you can go over to (friend)’s house. Study first.
Son: OK.
Me: Have a good afternoon. See you tonight.
Son: OK
I’m home now.
You know, I’ll bet he didn’t study either.
Hahahahahahahaha!
ReplyDeleteSo, no chicken or clean dishes then? ;)
ReplyDeleteOddly this reminds me of coding...
Chickens defrost just fine in the dishwasher.
ReplyDeleteMmmmm. Sudsy!
::snirk::
ReplyDeleteWait until he can drive. Then you shall enter my world, oh my, yes.
Bwahaha.
[facepalm] You can't kill'em because you'd have to dispose of the bodies.
ReplyDeleteCassie
Heh. I remember being about like that.
ReplyDeleteI've never had kids, but I've had roommates...seem to remember similar conversations with them a time or few!
ReplyDeleteSo, how did the chicken taste after it had been in the dishwasher for 30 minutes?
ReplyDeletehihihihihihihihihi.
ReplyDeleteNah, not really - I have that conversation once in a while. :|
Sorry, dude.
hihihihihihihihi....
Ahhhhhh, yes. My offspring is 20. All morning conversations with her sound very much like that, but with snarling on her part. I hear they eventually become Human again. Of course, my friends might be lying to me.
ReplyDeleteHahahahaha!
ReplyDeleteCrap, this is what I have to look forward to?
Okay, hope the chicken wasn't shinkwraped or had anything on it that a microwave wouldn't take a shine to. Either that or Jim came home to a larger mess.
ReplyDeleteAnd...
Kids. ::shakes head::
So, what did you have for dinner, Jim? And what did you eat it off of?
ReplyDeleteMy 14 year old son and I have similar conversations.
"Did you shower this morning?"
"Yeah."
"With water?"
"Yeah."
"With soap?"
"Yeah."
"Really?"
"Mo-om!"
"With soap?"
"Noooo...."
He has yet to figure out that I can hear water running and identify where in the house the sound originates. I know how long a shower *with* soap takes.
I know some day he will get interested in getting someone's attention and his hygiene habits will improve. I look forward to that day!
snicker, it gets worse.
ReplyDeleteNtsc, you do understand comments like that are not helping, right? If I need that kind of sarcasm, I can talk to my parents. :-)
ReplyDeleteDinner was chicken, it just took longer.
But did you have clean plates?
ReplyDeleteDr. Phil
This is why my father recommended the "bung-hole" method of raising children. It works like this: When a child is born you place it in a barrel and feed it through the bung-hole. On the child's thirteenth birthday you plug up the bung-hole. This saves a great deal of wear and tear on the parents.
ReplyDeleteTo my sorrow I did not follow his good advice.
One piece of wisdom my mother passed on to me was this: "One day your children will grow up and leave home. Then your problems will really start." Silly me, I didn't believe her then but, oh I do now...
ReplyDelete@timb111
ReplyDeleteI recieved the same advice from my ex-mother in law. I was willing to follow her advice, however my ex was horrified by this. When she decided to leave I ended up raising the boy, until I met my second wife.
Jim
I was not being sarcastic, well not much, simply trying to pass on hard earned knowledge from one former NCO to another. You will have four years of relief during college, you will want them far away, although probably not as far away as they want to be.
Bwahahahahaha!
ReplyDeleteCan't wait until I get to those days.