The Mind of a Child

All pornography is homosexual pornography, because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards.

Well, at least according to Michael Schwartz that is.

Who the hell is Mike Schwartz? Glad you asked, Mike is chief of staff to Senator Tom Coburn (R-Ok). He was talking about pornography at a session called "The New Masculinity,” at the conservative Value Voters Summit in Washington D.C. this weekend.

Mike Swartz is from Oklahoma (where the wind comes sweeping down the plain). Okies know a thing or two about porn – or at least that’s what the statistics say about good God fearing Midwesterners anyway. They like their porn.

Swartz said:

Pornography is a blight. It is a disaster. It is one of those silent diseases in our society that we haven’t been able to overcome very well. Now, I may be getting politically incorrect here. And it’s been a few years, but not that many, since I was closely associated with pre-adolescent boys, boys around 10 years of age…

Um, say what? This isn’t going to get creepy is it? (We are talking about an ultra conservative republican after all)

But it is my observation that boys of that age have less tolerance for homosexuality than just about any other class of people. They speak badly about homosexuality. And that’s because they don’t want to be that way. They don’t want to fall into it.”

Well, sure, nobody wants to fall into the gayness. That stuff is a bitch to get off your shoes (though, as Carol notes in the comments, your shoes will become fabulous).

Schwartz then talked about a friend of his “who had been into the homosexual lifestyle for a long time,” a guy named Jim Johnson (What Swartz was doing befriending a gay Johnson I don’t know. But I can imagine). Anyway, Johnson was a friend who found Jesus, became cured of his “mental disorder,” went straight, and turned an old hotel into a hospice for gay men dying of AIDS.

“One of the things he said to me, that I think is an astonishingly insightful remark… he said ‘All pornography is homosexual pornography, because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards.

Now, think about that.

And if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to get a copy of Playboy? I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants! You know, that’s a good comment, it’s a good point, and it’s a good thing to teach young people.”

Yep, if a guy looks at pictures of naked women, he’ll turn gay.

And apparently any kid can tell you that.

 

I hear you making that bawuh? sound you make when you’re confused, but for me, suddenly, Flash! the light dawns.

I understand.

I do.

I mean this certainly explains a few things, doesn’t it?

See, according to Swartz, all porn is gay porn, which makes you gay, and gay is bad because if you tell an eleven year old boy that porn will make him want to move to Fire Island and open a cake decorating business you’ll find that’s the last thing he wants.

And, that, my friends, is a good thing to teach young people.

Can I get an amen?

If a boy looks at pictures of naked women he’ll turn gay. Now, seriously, how do you argue with astounding cognitive ability like that? You can’t, really.

Now I hear you still making that buwah? sound and I know what you’re thinking.

But hang on a minute.  As it turns out, if you follow Swartz’s statement to its logical conclusion, why, it makes perfect sense! It explains everything.

See, 11-year old boys don’t like teh gaii. Conservatives don’t like gays.

11-year old boys generally don’t much like girls either.  Really, go ask one, see what an 11-year old boy has to say about the opposite sex. To an 11-year old boy girls are icky and stupid and nothing but trouble. Girls are like slugs, they probably serve some purpose, but it’s hard to figure out what that could be.

Which pretty much sums up Conservatives’ opinion of women, now doesn’t it?

11-year old boys don’t much like broccoli.

Remember George H. W. Bush? Remember his opinion of broccoli? Coincidence? I used to think so, but after Swartz’s comment I’m seeing the situation in a different light.

11-year old boys like to play army.

You see where this one is going? Guns, Hummers, Iraq. Right. No need to spell it out then.

11-year old boys hate school and think it’s stupid. 11 year old boys have been known to twist a dog’s tail and pull the wings off of flies. 11 year old boys often have hygiene issues and messy closets and a not very well developed sense of right and wrong. They are often childish and selfish and have trouble understanding the consequences of their own actions.

You see it now too, don’t you? The punch line?

Oh, yes, you do.

The GOP platform is based on the logic of an eleven old year old boy.

No, seriously, the Republican Party has based its entire platform on the logic of eleven year old boys.

Holy hell! It finally makes sense!