PETA, Still Batshit Crazy After All These Years

I killed a mosquito.

Yes, I did. I admit it.

I saw it on my forearm and I was momentarily overwhelmed by the sheer bold audacity of the damned blood-sucking beast. I mean there is was, its little proboscis jammed into my flesh like a Exxon Oil rig, sucking out my lifeblood without so much as a ‘by your leave’ and my irritation at this affront momentarily overrode my humanity.

So I squashed it.

I did, I squashed it with great gusto.

She was damned near at full load too, so when I squashed her, blood splattered everywhere – like a suicide bomber in a blood bank or a satiated vampire dropped from a height onto concrete. Pop! Sploosh!

It made me gleeful, it did.

In fact, I may have cackled momentarily in glee, and then shouted at the Alaskan wilderness, Die, bug, die! with the same primal bloodlust displayed by Moonwatcher, that primitive man-ape in 2001 A Space Odyssey after he bludgeoned a leopard to death with the knurled thighbone of a dead antelope. Yes! Die, bug, die!

Then I flicked her crushed and crumpled carcass contemptuously away and onto the gravel of the drive and left her corpse as a warning to others of her kind - the way Romans used to line the Appian Way with the crucified bodies of criminals as a warning to those who would enter Rome with avarice in their hearts.

Yes, I killed a mosquito this morning and I am unrepentant.

In point of fact I’ve killed thousands of mosquitoes, and I intend to kill thousands more. Indeed I own a Mosquito Magnet(tm), a device specifically designed for the mass murder of mosquitoes on an industrial scale (speaking of which, I need to go empty that out and change the gas tank and attractant before I leave on vacation, don’t let me forget). In the shop I have an electric zapper that looks a lot like a tennis racket, if they play tennis in hell that is, except the “strings” are actually an electrically charged grid. When you wave it past a mosquito, the electric charge is transferred directly into the insect’s body with a satisfying sizzle and pop! and the smell of burning hair. I admit that sometimes I use this device on mosquitoes that aren’t even bothering me.

Oh yes, I have killed mosquitoes and I am unrepentant.

And just so you understand the full magnitude of my actions, the majority of mosquitoes that I’ve killed were pregnant females. Yes that’s right. Because you see, it is only the pregnant females who bite – the males I leave for ShopKat, who has eaten many of the slower ones, crunching their bodies between her sharp teeth with great gusto, legs projecting from either side of her muzzle and twitching as the creature is consumed alive – male mosquitoes are big, like a dragonfly.

Oh yes, yes, I have killed mosquitoes, and my cat has killed mosquitoes, and I am unrepentant and I encourage you to do the same.

I am a blood thirsty killer – just like my President, who during an interview with CNBC on Tuesday mercilessly murdered a hapless housefly in cold (blood? Ichor? Seriously what the hell do flies use for circulatory fluid?) before a startled and appalled nation.

I suppose it’s only a matter of time before the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals come for me too.

"We support compassion even for the most curious, smallest and least sympathetic animals," PETA spokesman Bruce Friedrich said Wednesday [in response to President Obama’s killing of a fly on national TV]. "We believe that people, where they can be compassionate, should be, for all animals."

Yes, PETA has condemned the President of the United States for killing a common housefly on national television. PETA is sending the White House a device called the Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher so that in the future the President can humanly (and ethically no doubt) capture the bug and release it unharmed into the wild, were it can go on spreading disease and pestilence and laying its little maggot babies in the open festering wounds of Washington’s poor.

Sound crazy?

You remember our last encounter with PETA, don’t you?

You haven’t even seen the half of it yet.

PETA has issued a call to rename fish… wait for it… waaaaaaaait for it… to Sea Kittens.

Yes, that’s right, PETA wants us to call fish sea kittens in an attempt to make the cold slimy creatures more adorable to humans.

"Fish not only have the same ability to feel pain as a dog or a cat, but they also communicate with one another," PETA’s Ashley Byrne says. "They have complex social interactions; they form bonds; they express affection by gently rubbing against one another."

Sea Kittens. See, because if we rebrand fish to sea kittens, well nobody would want to go fishing, right?

"Most parents would never dream of spending a weekend torturing kittens for fun with their families, but hooking a sea kitten through the mouth and dragging her through the water is the same as hooking a kitten through the mouth and dragging her behind your car," Byrne says.

You think I’m joking, don’t you?

I’m not.

Really, I’m not.

Sea Kittens.

What’s next?

Will we soon see flies rebranded as “Buzzy Buddies?”

Perhaps we should rename tapeworms “Poopshoot Pals?”

How about lice? “My Little Friends”, maybe?

Yeah.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some Blood-Sucking Disease Infested Flying Alaskan Mosquitoes Fuzzy Air Bunnies to swat.