Jerkoff of the Week – Representative Jim Moran

You know what irks me?

Commercials for, uh, intimate products.

You know, those creams for chronic feminine itching or jock rot (seems to me that if you have those conditions you don’t need advertising to do something about it – seriously here, if I’ve got some kind of jungle funk going on down there, I’m not going to be sitting around on the couch wondering what to do, I’m going down the drug store to scratch in public and talk to the pharmacist. And if you don’t have some kind of problem, well why the hell would you watch the commercial in the first place? But I digress). Or those adds for intimate lubrication (Again, if you need it…). Or those ads for fixing your overactive bladder or weak stream?

And, of course, those ads for erectile dysfunction.

Now, to be clear, I’m not embarrassed by those commercials.

It’s that I just think most of them are stupid, and loud, and insipid. Especially that one for “male enhancement” with Bob – the weird guy with the hard-on in his face (seriously, dude, how many of those things did you take?). But more than anything I find erectile dysfunction commercials irritating for the shallow TV Sitcom version of life they promote – just take this pill and you’ll be a rock hard stud muffin complete with a smiling happily satisfied middle-aged MILF, customized Harley-Davidson Heritage Classic in the garage of your mansion with private golf course access and hot tub on top of a Swiss mountain, and a yacht in the Cayman Islands. You know damned well not one of those coyly smiling middle-aged athletes actually needs the little blue bill - but I guess overweight, diabetic, balding Joe Average American with circulation problems doesn’t cut quite the same figure with a surfboard on the North Shore.

Then there’s that little note about erections lasting longer than four hours – come on, we can be honest here, right? That’s like the CNN Anchorwoman saying “we warn you, the following segment is graphic and could be disturbing…” Really? Cool. And over four hours? Yeah, that’s pretty much a guarantee that every 30-year old adolescent jockstrap douchebag with more testosterone than brains will run right out to buy as many bottles as he can score – and, really, who the hell is he having sex with anyway? Seriously, four hours? Four hours of continuous pounding? For hours of “Uh! You’re on my hair!” Four hours of “leg cramp! Leg Cramp! Argh!” Four hours of free time to dedicate to the project (really, middle-aged people with kids. Sure. “Hey, what are you guys doing in there? Why is your bedroom door locked?” “Nothing, go away!” “What are those noises? Can I come in?” “I said nothing, go away!”)? Four hours of carpet burns? Four hours of friction? Seriously, if the drug companies wanted to make a killing, they should bundle the little blue pill in a kit with a caulk-gun full of chapstick, a tub of burn ointment, and a box of Band-aids. Because, seriously here folks, four hours? And there’s what? 20 pills in a bottle? By the end of the week you’re not going to be able to take a piss without screaming like a little girl.

You know what I do when one of these stupid commercials comes on?

I push the mute button. Problem solved.

Representative Jim Moran (D-VA) doesn’t think that’s enough.

The commercials embarrass him. They make him uncomfortable.

Consequently, Moran (God, the temptation to make a pun on that name is killing me) introduced H.R. 2175, which if it becomes law will prohibit any ED ads from airing on broadcast radio and TV between 6AM and 10PM. The bill advises the Federal Communications Commission to treat these ads as “indecent” and instruct stations to restrict their broadcast to late night and overnight hours.

You know, I’d expect this kind of stupidity from the GOP decency police, but from a democrat? Must be re-election time again. We’ve got conservatives jumping ship for the Democratic party in order to stay in office, I guess it’s not much of a stretch to see a Democrat pandering to the conservatives and bloviating about “indecency” and the erosion of family values on TV.

And this is, apparently, a pretty big deal to a lot of blushingly embarrassed folks, if the comments under this CNN article are any example. The gist of which seems to be that children might ask about it or be unduly influenced. My personal favorite comment was this one:

I have teenage grandsons and have to be on guard every single minute they are visiting and watching TV.

Bawahahahahaha! Excuse me, sorry. Hic. Sorry, can’t breath. Hic hic. Hahahahahaha!

Yeah, Granny. Sure. Those teenaged boys have never, ever, ever, heard of sex, or thought about it, or talked about it, or heard of Viagra, or erectile dysfunction, or made a limp dick joke. Nope. Never. You keep right on believing that. You keep your eyes closed and your fingers in your ears so you don’t have to discuss the derty derty.

We’ll call that the Bristol Palin approach.

You know what I did when my son asked what erectile dysfunction was? I told him. And used the opportunity to talk about other problems men might have and what to do about it, like see your doctor on a regular basis and not be embarrassed about talking openly to him. But I especially used the opportunity to tell him that a pill – and by extension, drugs – might fix a medical problem, but can’t change your lifestyle, or make you handsome, or popular, or successful, or give you a yacht in the Cayman Islands (unless you’re a drug smuggler, but, hey, that’s a conversation for another time). Those ads were a perfect opportunity to have the drug conversation, again – a conversation that you can’t have too often with your children. And it was an opportunity to discuss safe sex and responsible sex and the difference between TV, and the Internet, and reality - and that’s another conversation you just can’t have too often with a teenaged boy.

Representative Moran and his supporters think that these commercials are embarrassing, misleading, and can lead to questions that they’re just too self-conscious to answer. These people seem to think that taking the commercials off the TV and radio will protect their kids – but, of course, what they really mean is that taking the commercials off TV will simply reduce them having to explain uncomfortable subjects with their children. It won’t, however, prevent the kids from finding out about it. It won’t prevent teenagers from scoring a couple of tablets of Viagra from their parents’ night-table or from that punk kid who smells of burning rope and hangs out behind the school gym at lunch time. The difference is, of course, that they’ll be able to remain blissfully ignorant of it – which is what they really want.

Frankly, if you’re going to be outraged, you should be less outraged about an ad for a pill to treat a medical condition than the promised lifestyle these these ads promote. And while we’re on the subject, how about those car ads that tell you the new BMW can go from zero to a hundred and twenty in a quarter mile - but really, professional driver, closed course, don’t you try it (wink, wink), and meanwhile they show the car screaming through the streets of some coastal city with a big-breasted blond in the jump seat? Zoom Zoom, Baby. Or how about those herbal supplements that can make you skinny and popular and immortal – as long as you exercise and eat right? Or those ads for toys that show happy smiling kids enjoying endless hours of fun and entertainment – and somehow never mention that all that crap is “sold separately” and will cost you thousands of dollars and break five minutes after it comes out of the box? Or how about those fast food ads that show fresh, piping hot, mouth-watering sandwiches instead of the flat, stale, cold, tasteless bag of soggy McTurds you actually get at the window?

You want to talk obscenity? I’m curious where Representative Moran was when Countrywide and Merrill-Lynch and Ditech were running those ads for interest only, sub-prime mortgages that promised the American Dream for no money down. Because, see, cleaning up the fallout from those commercials is costing us taxpayers a fortune. Those commercials hurt a hell of a lot of kids by making them homeless and denying them a future. Those commercials damned near destroyed our economy, which is impacting a whole lot more children than those few who happened to ask, “Say Dad, what’s erectile dysfunction?” Viagra ads? Those have cost me exactly nothing. Not one damned cent.

You want to talk about having to have an embarrassing conversation with your kid? How about having to explain why the people trusted to run this country are stupid, selfish, pandering morons who would do and say anything to hold onto power?

Now that’s embarrassing.