A Little Effort, Please

You know what irks me?

Well, yeah, OK, a lot of things irritate me. You got me there.

You know what irks me today?

People who do their job really half-assed.

Seriously, a little effort, that’s all I’m asking here.

You pick a profession, maybe it’s what you want to do for the rest of your life, maybe not. Maybe it’s a great job, lucrative, fun, with interesting people, great benefits, good location, groupies, hot babes, fast cars, and an unlimited supply of Jolt Cola and Twinkies or maybe it’s a third world shit-hole where you work thirty-hour days for Kathy Lee Gifford at sweatshop wages with hourly beatings chained to a table in a sweltering rat infest firetrap – whatever, show a little pride, put some ass into it. You start doing a shitty job and it reflects poorly on the whole industry.

Take Spammers for example.

Remember the early days of internet spam? Back when spammers and scam artists and cons took pride in their work? Remember when spammers were professionals? I used to get really great spam. Interesting, colorful, intriguing, amusing, entertaining. Hell, remember the variety? Official looking letters from exotic sounding institutions like the First Banking and Trust of The Seychelles. Lusty emails from widowed heiresses who actually took the time to research my background and wildest fantasies and were mine in Christourlordasavior? I’d get Invitations from filthy rich oil barons to tour the beautiful Ivory Coast and maybe make a couple of million on the side if I was willing to smuggle out a paltry few conflict diamonds and maybe a Soviet era T-72 main battle tank in my colon. I’d get guaranteed investment opportunities in charming third world countries like Panama, Tierra Del Fuego, and Arkansas. I’d get letters acknowledging my heroic manliness and requesting my assistance in helping the author escape from his gold mine in Belize with as much loot as I could smuggle past the Federales. I’d get meticulously crafted ersatz PayPal and Citibank letters advising me to change my password by using the conveniently provided link and handy online line form. I’d get official looking emails purporting to be from the CIA or Department of Health or the IRS filled with cunningly hidden Trojan horses and packed with enough viruses to make Typhoid Mary look like a piker.

Good stuff, and you really admired the spammers in those days. They were pioneers, rough and tough rogues of the wild Internet frontier. Always one step ahead of the law. Real Jesse James and Billy The Kid types – well, if William Bonney was a 17 year-old pimply faced dweeb who broke into nervous explosive flatulence when confronted by a real live female type person that is.

Alas, those romantic times are gone now, lost somewhere in the ancient days of spam-that-was and on-line Castle Wolfenstein.

Spam today is a pitiful pale paunchy balding shadow of its former self – sort of like a Kevin Costner movie. Spammers today just don’t seem to give a crap, to them spam is just a job. It’s not about the lifestyle, it’s not about flooding the inboxes of lonely seniors and gullible housewives, it’s not about originality or a classic Spanish Prisoner con updated to the electronic age. There’s no substance, no style. It’s all about mediocrity, it’s all about volume, it’s all about the bottom line and pandering to the lowest common denominator – again sort of like a Kevin Costner movie. It’s a numbers game, a business.

I blame it on Zombies and cheap overseas labor.

- Learn Top SEO Secrets. Seo? SEO? I thought maybe it was Search Engine Optimization – maybe some original scam spam aimed at IT types. No. “Learn the secrets of top Wall Street executives. Get you’re own Gold Parachute, why should only SEO be rich?” SEO? Oh, he means CEO. And the obvious poor English - that’s just amateur hour, right there. Bad English can really put the polish on a Dubai Oil Widow Scam, but here it’s just pathetic. It’s like the guy isn’t even trying. In the old days, back in glorious 2007 and 2008, no spammer worth his stolen AOL address list would have made that kind of silly mistake. That’s what happens when you move your Tech to Nigeria. Nobody is going to buy secrets from a SEO. Nobody. Stupid N00B.

- Acai Berry Supreme Used By Oprah For Weight Loss: Weight loss? Do they even broadcast Oprah in Mumbai? Because I’m guessing not. What kind of hook is that? I don’t want a berry that makes me look like Oprah – oh, sure you could end up like Svelt Weight Watcher Oprah, but you’re a whole lot more likely to end up looking like The Color Purple Oprah. Frankly, it just isn’t worth the risk. Now a berry that makes you look like Halle Berry, well, now we’re talking.

- You Will Not Get Out Of Your Bed For Days: Well, hell, that’s intriguing – a pill from Mexico that gives me chronic depression and bed sores. Let me get my credit card.

- Don’t desperate enhance desire restaurant milkshake: Um, yeah. Hey, at least we know not all spam operations have moved overseas – we’re obviously keeping a few folks in Alabama employed.

- Be the IT Consultant of Perfect Lovemaking: Know your target audience, that’s what I’m saying. Sure, if you’re spamming a Trekkie Convention or COMDEX, but really, Dude, The IT Consultant of Love? Really? What am I getting spam from Johnny Guitar Watson now?

- Plunge your power drill into her: Um, who’s this aimed at? Leatherface? Jason? Constructions Workers? Plunge your power drill into her? Power Drill? I can’t tell if this is for Viagra or Johnson & Johnson Band-Aids. Rip her to shreds with your tablesaw! Slap her upside the head with your wooden mallet. Grind her into pudding with the leaf chipper! Chicks dig that sort of thing. Apparently.

- Don’t let others laugh at your manhood: Generally this isn’t a problem, as I generally don’t leave my manhood laying around where others might mock it.

- Buy a Degree – The New Way Of Earning A Degree: Yes, because in my country “earn” means “Fake” and nobody ever checks during a job interview, they just hand out money. Is that how it works in Liberia too?

- Solve all lovemaking problems in a matter of seconds: Really poor choice of time unit there, fellas. Just saying is all.

- Don’t pay for your electricity any longer: Just like here in Nigeria, where we steal it right off the pole!

- You need Business Admitration Degree: I hope they spell that right on the fake degree. Generally, unless it’s the WWF Pile-driving School of Spandex, people sort of expect a degree in business administration to be spelled correctly.

- Weekly Microsoft Security Update: Yeah, who’s this supposed to fool? Oh, wait…

Fully half the spam in my inbox is from…me! Talk about phoning it in. In the old days a good spammer could generate a million fake email accounts a day. A truly great spammer, a master, could crack open protected government servers and steal the social security numbers of a hundred thousand military veterans and have ten thousand new Hotmail accounts set up by the time he finished his second Mountain Dew. Now, I get email with my own email address in the “from” line? Like I’m going to look at that and say to myself, “Heeeey! I sent myself some information on fake Rolexes! I’d better check that out!”

Seriously spammers, shape up. Look what happened to Wall Street. Look what happened to the Auto Industry. I for one, simply won’t support any kind of government bailout to the Spam Sector, unless I start seeing some effort.

I have some suggestion for fixing the industry. Click on this link to learn more.