The Internet, It’s Like A Series Of Crazy Tubes

I get mail.

A lot of it is cool. I like getting mail from people who enjoy this site.

Some of it is sort of cool. I’ve been getting a lot of offers lately to guest post on other sites. I say sort of cool, because these proposals make no mention of payment. I don’t write for free, unless it’s for myself, here. But then I owe me a favor, so I’m kind of obligated to myself and I'm holding me to my word - if you get what I’m saying.

Some of it is not cool. I occasionally get mail from people who take strong exception to what I write. Usually these emails make multiple references to the special Fundie Bible and where I’m eventually going to end up (one last week mentioned that I should invest in 60+ sunscreen – because, near as I can figure from the, uh, creative spelling and capitalization, apparently the sunlight in hell is really, really strong, either that or brimstone radiates in the near UV). About half the time I’m fairly certain that the writer hasn’t actually read anything I wrote. Ever. I usually delete these, but I do keep a few of the more creative ones, especially if they contain death threats. They might be handy later, if you get my drift.

Then, well then there’s the stuff I classify as other (remember this one?). Today I got this:

SergeG to Me:

IT IS NOT A SPAM, but if you received that message second and plus time JUST CLICK DELETE button and have a nice day. Don't feel bad, please understand original Scarlett's family very desperate to shut down that humiliating antichristian "actress" clones line career development. Hello dear Ladies and Gentlemen! I would like inform you that Scarlett Johansson ?actress? actually is a clone from original person Scarlett Galabekian last name, who has nothing with acting career, surname Galabekian, because of adoption happened in 1992. Clones was created illegally by using stolen biological material. Original person is very nice (not d**n sexy),most important - CHRISTIAN young lady! I'll tell you more,those clones (it's not only one) made in GERMANY - world leader manufacturer of humans clones, it is in Ludwigshafen am Rhein, Rhineland-Palatinate, Mr. Helmut Kohl home town. You can not even imaging the scale of the cloning activity. But warning! Helmut Kohl clone staff strictly controlling all their clones (at least they trying) spreading around the world, they are very accurate with that, some of them are still NAZI type disciplined and mind controlled clones, so be careful get close with clones you will be controlled as well. Original person is not happy with those movies, images, video, rumors and etc. spreading on media in that way it would be really nice if we all will try slow down that ''actress'' career development, original Scarlett will really appreciated that. Please remember that original Scarlett's family did not authorize any activity with stolen biological materials, no matter what form it was created in it was stolen and it is stolen. It all need to be delivered to authorize personals control in Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. Original Scarlett never was engaged, by the way! Her close friend Serge G. P.S. CONTROLLING ACTIVITY OF ANY CLONES IS US MILITARY OPERATION. Check also here: http://www.flickfilosopher.com/blog/2008/10/warning_stolen_biological_mate.html H.R. 534, the Human Cloning Prohibition Act of 2003, was introduced to the U.S. House of Representatives on February 5, 2003. After discussion, it was passed on February 27 by a vote of 241-155. It now moves on to the Senate for consideration. This bill makes it unlawful for any person or entity to perform or participate in human cloning, or to ship or receive embryos produced by human cloning. The penalties are imprisonment of up to 10 years and fines of $1 million or more. These now join other nations as diverse as Norway, Australia, and many other countries, which had already added cloning for any purpose to their criminal code. And in Germany where it carries a penalty of five years imprisonment they know a thing or two about unethical science.

Back in October, Serge apparently sent a similar missive regarding the illicit cloning of the unsexy Christian lady Scarlett Galabekian to Flickfilosopher Mary Ann Johansson (my very favorite movie reviewer, and one of the few who actually gets The Thirteenth Warrior, go Mary Ann!). Mary Ann posted it on her blog, and Serge even showed up to make a few comments, much hilarity ensued. I’m flattered to make Serge’s mailing list and as much as I like the FlickFilosopher, I don’t think Mary Ann gave SergeG the serious consideration he deserves.

Others might regard this as just the ravings of a crazy mad German, hopped up on yeasty beer and imported mad cow infected meat from England (think the war is over? Think again. How do you want your cheeseburger, Klaus? Rare? Jawhohl!), but to a trained military analyst such as myself the veracity of the message is apparent in detailed analysis of the first sentence: “IT IS NOT A SPAM.” It’s subtle, but with the proper training it’s impossible to miss.

Now, I do admit that it is really difficult to imagine that the original donor of the biological material is “not d**n sexy” – Either that or “damn sexy” means something else entirely in the Rhineland. I mean, according to Serge, isn’t Scarlett Johansson supposed to be a copy of Scarlett Galabekian? (Well, except for the Christian part that is, apparently you can’t clone that stuff). But see, here’s the thing, wouldn’t the clone be less sexy? Clones are copies of the original, and as anybody who has ever used a Xerox machine can tell you, copies lack something. Originality maybe. They’re a little fuzzy around the edges, a little blurry and faded. If Scarlett Johansson is a copy, Scarlett Galbekian must be some seriously smoking hawtness. Just saying.

Of course, cloning being a Nazi technology under command of Helmut Kohl’s staff, and Germans being the anal-retentive engineers they are, maybe they’ve figured out how to make the copies more sexy than the original, kind of increase the sharpness so to speak. Do a little photoshopping in the incubation phase or something. I’m really not up on the particulars of illicit large scale clone armies. Thank God for expert whistle-blowers like Serge. SergeG would know too, he’s Scarlett G’s close friend, so we should probably take his word for it. Beside, he knows a thing or two about unethical science!

It would be easy to dismiss this warning as just another crazy German with an internet connection and no pants – But see Johansson was in The Island, a movie about clones! And who was her co-star? None other than Ewan McGregor, who was not only in The Island (a movie about clones!), but also in Attack of the Clones (a movie about freakin clones!)

Coincidence? Yeah, sure.

The signs, folks, they’re everywhere.

And Cloning would go a long way toward explaining Johansson’s rather fuzzy acting style.

Maybe the Germans could work on that.

Also, maybe they could send me a catalog of available models – purely for research purposes, of course.

And a price list.

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Note: As a retired military officer and someone still bound by the provisions of US security regulations, I can neither confirm nor deny any military mission relating to the monitoring, control, lusting after, or attending movies of any clone.

Also, I completely deny the rumor that I myself am a clone of Tom Selleck – any resemblance is purely in my head.