Happy Thoughts! Think Happy Thoughts!

It is a proven scientific fact that thinking about something often causes it to happen. Some call this quantum physics. Others simply call it "faith."

It's a proven fact, folks. A scientific fact. If you think about something - it magically comes true. Like a duck's non echoing quack, a bumblebee's ability to fly, or Rush Limbaugh's uncanny ability to levitate the Republican party, science just can't explain it. And, as I'm sure most of you know, when science can't explain something - it's called quantum physics, which is really just a fancy elitist term for faith.

For example, earlier this morning I thought about breakfast. I thought real hard about it. Now I'm eating cheese grits - coincidence? Or a manifestation of quantum manipulation of the underlying fabric of reality in order to satisfy my hunger? Exactly. Think it, be it - that's the power of positive thought, folks. Pretty hard to deny the science when you burn your mouth on it.

I wish I'd thought a little harder about the salt though, my manifestation of quantum reality is just a tad flat.

The statement above is the genuine mainstream validated science behind Faith of Britain Day.

Faith of Britain Day will help us all overcome whatever obstacles and difficulties we may face as a country, an economy and as individuals. With over 80 million people concentrating their mental energies at the same time on the same day, we will unleash an irresistible psychic force that will, quite literally, make our dreams come true.

Basically the idea here is that on March 6th at precisely 11:00AM a group of six quantum psychics (psists?psychisitists? I'm not really familiar with proper designation of practitioners of quantum arts) and faith healing scientists will attempt to focus the mass mental psychic brain emanations of 80 million happily concentrating Brits in order to create an irresistible force and, literally, make everybody's deepest desires come true.

I know, it sounds crazy, but the science behind it is irrefutable.

Allow me to explain. Bear with me here though, quantum mathematics can be a little tricky.

First, there's the day itself. March 6. See March 6th isn't any ordinary day, it's the 6th day of the 3rd month of the 9th year, or 3/6/9. Ah ha! Six and nine are multiples of three, which is about balance, which is what we strive to achieve as humans (Don't feel bad if you didn't catch this right away, that's why there are professional quantumists).

Second, there's the time. 11:00AM. Eleven is a "master number." Eleven is what scientists refer to as a "Powerful 2(1+1)," which as I'm sure you all know from freshman college physics is the duality of the inner and outer self and that which encourages us to look within for solutions. Note: if you can't figure out how to make 11 from 2(1+1), it's because there are brackets in the equation. Brackets are an indicator of quantumness. Basically, you add up the numbers by removing the plus sign and then squish the ones together and then wish real hard about what number you want the answer to be. Thinking about something makes it happen folks - that's quantum physics. Its a hard concept to wrap your brain around, even scientists have trouble with it.

Still with me? Good.

Third, electricity. The human brain uses about 25watts of electricity to operate. 25watts times 80 million Englishmen will produce two gigawatts of electricity! That's 2,000,000,000 watts of juice. Now, even if not everybody in the Empire generates the full 25watts (I've seen the Royal Family and frankly I'm not sure Charles could power up a penlight), that's still a lot of juice. That's enough to run Rod Blagojevich's hairdryer for nearly a month, or maybe even open a rift in space time.

And finally even if you can't understand the math., there is the example of history. History is rife with examples of how mass thought can literally make our dreams come true just by wishing. I'd give you some examples, but it would just be belaboring the obvious.

Now while I think there is tremendous potential for good in Faith of Britain day, I also would be remiss in my duties as the Voice of Internet Reason if I didn't offer a few words of caution.

On the morning of March 6th, the British are going to unleash a powerful force, a veritable tidal wave of psychic energy.

What if works?

What if Faith of Britain Day actually works? And all of England's problems are solved? Suddenly Great Britain is the only nation without problems in a chaotic and fractured world. With the only strong domestic economy, Britain will suddenly dominate the globe. Will they embark on conquest, the Empire reborn? Will the Colonies be forced to once again submit to the Crown? Would there be a Positive Energy Gap between East and West, with each side seeking greater populations of positive thinking people?

The British are not exactly a happy people, what if Faith of Britain Day actually does make their dreams come true? How will the English handle their new happiness? What if the English began to enjoy themselves? The consequences could be catastrophic, hell they could end up indistinguishable from Americans!

And what is it that the British dream about anyway? Well I'll tell you: if Faith of Britain Day succeeds, the French are totally buggered.