And While We’re At It…

California is about to become the 6th state to ban a particular form of stupidity.

Texting While Driving.

That’s right, texting while driving. Texting. While driving.

Go ahead, say that out loud. Texting while driving. See?

Seriously, it’s bad enough that people talk on their cell phones while barreling down the freeway at 90MPH in their monster behemoth SUVs swerving in and out of traffic. But texting? Seriously folks, what the hell is so important that you’ve got to communicate by typing cryptic one-liners with your thumbs while staring into a tiny screen in the first place? Let alone while operating a motor vehicle. I mean you’re holding the phone, why the hell don’t you just call the other person?

A number of folks have pointed out that we shouldn’t have to have such a law. It’s fairly obvious to anybody with a reasonable amount of common sense that texting and operating heavy equipment at high speed isn’t a good idea. Just like drinking and driving, or taking too many cold tablets and driving, or wearing a shopping bag over your head and driving. Basic common sense, that’s what these people are talking about.

But see, that’s the problem right there, common sense.

Of sure, there are a lot of people with good common sense – but there are a hell of a lot more people without one damned shred of sense, common or otherwise, in any way shape or form. These people are idiots, pure and simple, and a lot these chowderheads have a driver’s license (a significant number don’t, but that doesn’t keep them from driving).

These booger eaters are the ones that think a ‘conversation’ consisting of:

U gng b @ the party 2night? LOL

srsly. U? LOL

Fck yeah, biotch. LOL

ROTFLMAO LOL!!!!!!!

LOL!

LOL x2!

is worth risking the lives of everybody in four lanes for.

And because there are one hell of a lot of these dolts on the road, well, we need laws like the one California just passed. The problem is not that the law attempts to curb (ba dump bump) stupidity, it’s that it doesn’t go far enough.

I’d like to see some additions:

First, lets quit screwing around and make this a federal law. Nation wide. Otherwise there will always be states that just won’t do it. The stupid states. Full of stupid people. The big square states, right in the middle of the country full of corn gasoline and creationists. Unless we make this a federal law, those states will become safe havens for blockheads. And the problem is, of course, that they’re sitting square on top of the only way to get anywhere worth going to, i.e. we have to drive through places like Kansas and Indiana in order to get to more worthwhile and interesting and non-geometrically shaped places. Unless this law is federally mandated, those places will be full of hillbillies with enormous muscular thumbs and no insurance.

Second, lets not stop at texting. I lived in Southern California. I commuted on the I5 and the I15 every damned day for four years. I lived in Maryland and commuted into Washington D.C. on the M6. I’ve driven this continent all the way around, from Maine to Alaska via Florida and Texas, four times. I’ve driven in every major city in North America – and I’m going to tell you all something, Texting is the least of the baboon-assed, bald faced, worm eating, six-toed, cross-eyed, buck-toothed, kicked in the head by a mule stupidity I’ve seen.

So, while we’re at it, let’s make it illegal to do a few more things while driving shall we?

Let’s start with watching TV. Who the hell came up with TV’s for cars? That bastard needs a swift kick. Oh sure, it sounded good, TV in the back seat to keep the kids quiet. Two major things the designers didn’t think of: 1) after an hour of listening to Spongebob’s squealing voice from the backseat the typical driver becomes suicidal and starts thinking about just driving his Minivan straight into a fucking bridge abutment. And 2) eventually, some jackass would mount the TV in the front seat so the driver can watch porn. TVs need to be removed from cars. Period. Give the kids a shot of cough syrup and let ‘em sleep all the way to Grandma’s house. Or better yet, let ‘em fight for entertainment the way we did, “Mom! He’s looking out my window!” Of course, that leads to beating your kids in the backseat while driving, and that’s whole other issue. Be safe folks, pull over first, then beat your kids.

Applying make-up while driving should be illegal. I swear to God, I don’t know how many times some late-for-court lawyer on the 808 damn near killed me while steering her BMW torpedo with one hand and curling her eyelashes with the other while staring into the rearview mirror. Also, curling your hair with a propane powered curling iron while driving. Also drying your hair with a cigarette lighter powered hairdryer. Also changing clothes. Also putting on nylons. For the love of God, Ladies, get dressed before you leave the house, really. None of us actually give a crap what you’re wearing anyway, we mostly care what you’re not wearing. Just saying.

Eating anything other than a sandwich one handed while driving should be illegal. Look, everybody needs to eat behind the wheel sometimes, but Goddamnit folks, you need to have at least one hand on the wheel. Here’s what I want to know, what idiot at McDonalds came up with serving pancakes and syrup on plate at the drive-through? Pancakes and syrup? On a flimsy Styrofoam plate? How the hell do you eat something like that, plate in one hand, spork in the other, while driving a car? How do you cut the pancake with the fork, holding the whole mess - and you just know they’re going to spill the syrup on themselves and then swerve all over the road as they frantically rustle through the bag (which is laying on the floor in front of the passenger seat) looking for a napkin while trying hold on to that stupid plate, the spork, and a cup of Ronald McDonald’s 5000 degree coffee in the other hand. Which is usually when the phone rings. This is why you shouldn’t put a clown in charge of your menu, they think that shit is funny. Some places, at the drive-in window, serve soup.

Reading the newspaper. Yes, that’s right, reading the newspaper. Like you’re at home, in your Barcalounger with your pants unbuttoned after a good meal. Unless you’ve got a big square hole cut in the middle of the sport section, you can’t see the road. I know, shocking. Look, I’ve twice piloted a 9000 ton Navy cruiser through San Diego harbor in the blind. Once coming in, once going out with paper taped over the windows to simulate total loss of visibility. I had an entire navigation team feeding me rudder orders, radar, and GPS, and inertial guidance systems, charts and compasses, and safety spotters on the bridge wings – and it still scared the shit out of me. The probability of driving safely while reading the newspaper, a map, a book, or a fucking Blackberry is a lot like a blind mouse finding it's way through a pinball machine during the world cup final pinball battle.

Computing. Faxing. Collating. Filing. Sorting papers. Stuffing envelops or stuffing your secretary. Your car is not an office, even if it is as big as one.

I once damned near got hit head on by an old guy and his wife in a Lincoln Continental on the Gulf Coast Highway at Navarre Beach on Florida’s Panhandle following Hurricane Ivan. The guy was driving – while leaning out of the window and filming the wreckage with a video camera. On a road filled with the debris of houses and that was barely cleared enough to walk on. Apparently, his wife in the passenger seat, couldn’t, you know, operate the camera or the car. And what the hell is it with these control freaks anyway? Five people in a car, who’s the one on the phone? Yeah, the driver. Always.

California’s law is a good one, and we need more of it.

Srsly. LOL.

What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever seen on the road?