Manly Bloggin' Thursday

In the comments below the previous post, Random Michelle asked me to post "more kitty pictures." Then she tried to guilt me into it by claiming to feel "sick."

Gah.

Sorry, no. This is a manly blog where we talk about manly, manly things. Kitties are fluffy and cute and girly and definitely not at all manly.

No kitten pictures.

(Note: Rescuing a freezing kitten from the ferocious wilderness of my back porch is manly, which is why I posted about it. And I posted one kitten picture purely as a manly public service in order to return the kitten in question to it's child, again a manly superhero sort of thing to do. I was not, in fact, posting gratuitous pictures of kittens in order to increase my chick appeal. I'm quite manly, thank you, without resorting to such girly-boy tactics).

In order to prove this blog's manliness, today I will take you on a manly tour of my manly wood shop. Put on your man pants, and prepare to get dusty, sweaty, and gassy in a manly pull my finger way.

First a picture of one of my manly 4x4 ATV's, which I use in a manly fashion to harvest big burly logs from the deep and dangerous Alaskan wilderness. A powerful manly machine that could outrun a Formula 1 race car and pull a fully loaded 747 up a cliff without shifting out of 4th gear or spilling the drink cart. Note the manly gun rack on the front.

Next we'll look at the manly planer, a horrifyingly powerful machine, designed gnaw through literally yards of rough cut lumber. It could kill a lesser man in seconds and turn him into a pile of quivering pate. Seriously, this tool is only for the use of manly man, there is nothing fluffy or cute about it, as you can clearly see:

After processing in the planer, I move the lumber (lumber is more manly sounding than 'board') in a sweaty and gruntingly manly fashion to the tablesaw. Many men have lost their lives to this ravening beast which can slice through yard thick chrome steel in seconds. Note that this machine is equipped with the deadly stacked Dado blade, a truly manly device designed to remove human limbs. Never, ever, allow children or pets near this machine. Ever. Just sayin'

After cutting lumber to rough size on the manly tablesaw, I often stop and scratch, maybe even burp out loud in a manly fashion. Then I cut the lumber into more manageable sizes (not that I can't manage whole trees mind you, but some of the machines simply aren't up to the task despite their fearsome power and brutal capacity). I do that on the manly Dewalt chopsaw, a guillotine like device with huge spinning blades and no safety guards of any kind. A true test of manly strength and dexterity. Note the HUGE plastic jar of manly dog treats on the left hand side of the picture.

Next, depending on the manliness of the job, I might cut pieces on the manly industrial Powermatic 77 scroll saw. This huge cast iron behemoth can lop off a fist full of fingers in seconds, girls get sterile just looking at it:

I might have to bore manly holes into a piece and for that I use the manly Jet Drill Press, a powerful boring machine capable of drilling clean through the earth and killing everybody in China should it ever come unleashed from its stand. Note the giant manly quill handles and powerful manly red switch on the front:

Sometimes I have to stop and swear in a manly fashion, before cutting mortises in the Delta mortising machine, a cunningly cruel tool used to cut manly square holes in wooden stiles. Note the large red manly pipe wrenches hanging on the manly tool board above the manly work bench, I've used these to kill Kodiak Brown Bears in a single swipe to the head, that's why they're red, to hide the blood:

Of course, the real manly work is done on the lathe, a powerful and temperamental machine capable of turning an entire Honduran mahogany tree trunk:

In true manly man fashion, I built a mobile manly lathe chisel stand from the salvaged hull of an old Soviet nuclear submarine, it's only slightly radioactive and real manly men don't worry about a little fallout anyway. Radiation is good for manly men, puts manly hair on your manly chest.

Once I've finished with the lathe, I might do some manly power carving on the downdraft table. Note the large assortment of manly razor sharp carving bits, these are placed in the manly Foredom carving tool, which is powered by an monster 8-cylinder Buick motor:

Vacuum is supplied to the various machines by a huge manly cyclonic dust collection system that I built myself, or rather by forced orphan labor working diligently under my manly lash:

And finally, a sample of my manly efforts, drying in the manly finishing cabinet. These bowls were coated in the tears of bitter and sorrowful women applied with brushes made from the hair of my vanquished enemies:

And there you have it, a manly tour of the manly Stonekettle Station Woodshop.

We do many manly things here at Stonekettle Station, but what we don't do is cater to the pitiful cries of sickly women.

And no kitty pictures.

Ever.

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Hope you're feeling better, Michelle.

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Some sissy readers might have noted a rather large number of typos in the initial post. This was done on purpose, as manly men are not girly English professors and they construct sentences however they please. In other words, they command language, it doesn't command them. Yes. However, the shrill girly whine of some unmanly people was getting on my manly nerves. So I fixed it. You're welcome.

Now, pull my finger...