Let's Get Ready to Ruuuuumble!

I know, you all expect me to talk about the debate.

Meh.

Seriously, somebody please explain to me exactly what the point of Presidential (and especially Vice Presidential) debates are?

We're what? Two or three weeks from the election? Who the heck hasn't made up their mind yet? No really, Joe the Idiot Plumber? Who is this indecisive moron anyway? Frankly, I don't care how he votes, but seriously I sure as shit wouldn't hire him to fix my pipes.

"Hmmm maybe I should go with the copper 5/8 inch? Or, I could put in PVC. No, wait, the copper. Fuck it, maybe I'll just wait until the septic tank bubbles over and then decide. Larry, pass me another brewski while I think about it! At $75 bucks an hour plus parts and labor, this is going to take some time, Baby."

If Joe the Plumber is helping you decide which candidate to vote for, you might as well be getting political commentary from Mr. Ed. Seriously, don't vote - you're just gumming things up for the rest of us.

I mean, come on, if you watched the debate and you're a Republican, McCain could have eaten a baby harp seal, live and squealing and then rolled in its blood and - and you'd still call his performance a victory.

If you watched the debate and you're a Democrat, Obama could have jumped up, donned a keffiyeh, and married Joe Biden - and you'd still call his performance a victory.

If you're a Republican, you still think that Obama is an Arab, a Terrorist, a Gay Loving Liberal who will destroy your sacred marriage and not one damned thing he said last night convinced you otherwise - in fact you probably muted the sound when he was talking because you can't stand to look at his face.

If You're a Democrat, you still think McCain is a crazed and raving old man with a bad, bad case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and one foot in the grave and not one damned thing he said last night convinced you otherwise - in fact you probably cranked up the volume just so you could laugh at his disjointed gibberish and shrill petulant whine.

If you're Joe the Plumber's Helper, you still have no damned idea how you're going to vote, but you're pretty sure Obama can't pay for his economic plan, and McCain can't pay for his education plan, and you'll probably either get drunk and vote for Mickey Mouse or just not show up at the polling station at all - and then brag for the next four years about how at least you didn't vote for the incumbent idiot.

If you're a Republican, this morning you're sure McCain won and you're madder than hell that the fucking liberal press is lying about the poll results and ACORN is stealing your vote.

If you're a Democrat, this morning you're sure Obama won and you're madder than hell that conservatives just won't admit it and you're worried that the Republicans are going to steal this election just the way they did when they lost the last time.

If you're Joe the Plumber's Crack, this morning you're irritating the piss out of everybody in the unemployment line with your insightful commentary about how both candidates had some really good points, but you still haven't figured out which one you like.

So, and again, what exactly is the point of all this? What exactly did either candidate say that we haven't all heard before? Obviously, the point of the debate isn't so that the candidates can state their positions, they've done that, over and over and over.

Nothing said last night changed my mind in any way. I thought Obama acted presidential, sane, calm, and considered. I thought McCain acted angry, arrogant, and dismissive. I thought that Obama's demeanor would be a whole lot more likely to get results when dealing with Congress or a foreign nation. I thought McCain's demeanor would get an entirely different kind of result, the same kind we've gotten for the last four years. I think Obama confronted McCain's accusations directly and in detail, despite McCain contemptuous snorting and eyebrow raising. I think McCain deftly avoided answering Obama's questions in large part, and that he used belligerent bellicosity to deflect any criticism (especially in his dismissal of Obama's accusation that GOP supporters shouted "Traitor," "Terrorist," and "Kill him!" when Obama's name was mentioned at Palin's rallies). I think Obama's ears are funny looking and that his hair resembles a yarmulke. I think McCain's eyebrows need a good weed wacking and his head looks a whole lot like Darth Vader's when Luke pulled his helmet off in Return of the Jedi.

I think they both acted like they knew what they were talking about, but I'd be surprised if either one can accomplish half the crap they both claim they'll do if elected. I think Obama acted like a man who is winning and confidently knows it, and McCain acted like a man who is losing and knows it and can't figure out why and it pisses him off.

But nothing either one said changed my intended vote, and I doubt it changed anybody else's either.

Frankly, it seems to me that we do debates because, as Americans, we like to be entertained. We're the tractor pulling, demolition derby, Jerry Springer nation. We've got short attention spans and we like our worldview to come in packages no bigger than a sound bite, and our shows to last no longer than the time it takes to consume a super-sized plate of ultimate nachos. We want laser light and flashpots, crashes, smashes, and boobs. We like the debates because it lets us see the candidates take cheap pot shots at each other, and because it's supposed to let us see them under pressure and in action.

So be it, says I.

Like I said in comments on the Whatever, put 'em in a ring and let 'em duke it out, naked, on pay per view. Their choice of weapons and fight to the death, winner takes all. Joe the Plumber will be entertained and, hell, he can even enjoy a big old plate of greasy nachos - but he doesn't get to give the thumbs-up/thumbs-down coup de grace if necessary, because the stupid bastard will keep us there all night while he makes up his mind.

Now that would be a debate worth watching.