Here, write the headlines about me here.
I'll Start:
Punish that Monkey:
New Musical Sensation takes Alaska by Storm, halt's global warming, and cures cancer.
Retired Navy Chief Warrant Officer Jim Wright, by day an ordinary father, husband, and woodworker. By night, musical crime fighting superhero. Driving around Gotham in his customized Curmudgeon Mobile, he often stops at scenes of musical disasters. Such as the recent opening of Mamma Mia! in downtown Anchorage, where several hundred movie goers filled the sidewalk outside, locked in the throes of uncontrollable diarrhea and projectile vomiting following two hours of uninterrupted Abba. Standing on the roof of the Curmudgeon Mobile, he performed an awesome cover of Mark Knopfler's Punish the Monkey beating mass nausea into submission, lowering the local mean temperature by two degrees thus saving three polar bears, and causing two incurable cancer patients in the crowd to go into remission.
Monday, August 18, 2008
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Too funny! I prefer Dire Straits to Abba any day, too. I'm copying mine over here so it doesn't get lost, and because it's an antihero story. ;)
ReplyDeleteJim faithfully wears a shirt and tie to his office cubicle every morning. He attacks his overflowing inbox with enthusiasm, whistling while he enters claims into his computer. Every evening, he calmly and politely maneuvers his econocar through rush hour traffic, eager to get home to his wife, child, poodle, and their dinner of frozen fish sticks and canned peas. After dinner he relaxes, watching sitcoms while his wife cleans house. Sometimes, after taking his anti-psychotic medication, he looks at himself in the mirror and wonders what life would have been like if he'd joined the navy instead.
Sorry, you have to come to my place to read your headline from me, since I tied all the headlines I did today together.
ReplyDeleteAlso?
Total Mary Sue. ;)
Total Mary Sue? Well, yeah, it's my story.
ReplyDeleteI'll check your site in a minute, I've got to go try and intercept the mail carrier (it's a long story and you wouldn't care).
Back in a minute :)
Retired Naval Officer Indicted for the Serial Killing of Stupid People
ReplyDeleteRetired Naval Warrant Officer and Intelligencer Jim Wright was indicted yesterday by a Federal Grand Jury on 453 counts of Manslaughter.
According to court papers, Mr. Wright has been methodically killing stupid people for 20 years in 12 countries. His Modus operandi was never the same twice, which is why authorities missed the connection for so long.
"He would use a different strategy every time he killed someone," said FBI profiler Grant Rock. "It made it extremely difficult to connect the deaths and realize we were after a single individual. The key connection that allowed us to find him was the commonality of their incredible stupidity, and Wright's documented impatience with that trait."
According to background material provided to the Grand Jury, Mr. Wright would methodically target stupid people, and then construct elaborate scenarios where they would be killed with no suspicion falling on Mr. Wright. Several of Mr. Wright's victims were nominated for the famed Internet "Darwin Awards," further clouding the issue for law enforcement officials.
A long-time friend of the accused known only as "Beastly" commented that he had no idea what had been occurring, but noted he was not surprised. "Jim doesn't have much patience with the chronically stupid," said Beastly. "His experience as a Spook made it tough to see the connection between his attitude and the deaths."
The Grand Jury indicted Wright only on charges of Manslaughter, rather than the 1st Degree Murder charges sought by the U.S. Attorney. Transcripts are sealed, but it's rumored that Grand Jury members had to be pressured to bring charges at all. An anonymous source close to the Jury noted, "These people were so incredibly stupid, it was almost a public service rather than a crime. Seriously, dude. They were dumber than a stump."
Wright is currently awaiting arraignment.
I thought this was supposed to be far fetched?
ReplyDeletePalmer Man Will Stop Communicating With Aliens
ReplyDeleteFor years, Jim Wright has been trying to perfect his means of communicating with aliens through an intricate set glyphs carved into bowls. In spite of all the work that has gone into this project, and his recent success, he says he's going to give it all up.
In an exclusive interview, Mr. Wright quipped, "Twenty fucking years of sending out messages, and when they finally respond, I find out they're just as fucking stupid as the assholes down here. Who needs it?"
Oh...and your headline has a typo...asshole.
ReplyDeleteBlanty? sheesh.
Re: far-fetched, I figured Jim as an cheerful mindless office drone is much more far-fetched than Jim as a butt-kicking superhero - which is actually what he did for a living for a number of years. :)
ReplyDeleteand your headline has a typo. No it doesn't. What are you talking about?
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, with the aliens. Stupid. Twenty gabillion light years they come, just have sex on back roads with redneck idiots who can't even get laid on their own dammed planet. And the cow mutilation thing, what the hell is that all about?
Office drone? Not dammed likely. I'm more likely to get laid by aliens than that. Yeah, come on hot green-skinned Orion Slave Girls. Woohoo!
Blantly, Blantly, Blantly.
ReplyDeletePbbbbbtthtttthtttt!
Alaska Man Murders His Lawn Mower
ReplyDeleteAn Alaska man is accused of shooting his lawn mower to death because it wouldn’t start for him.
Jim Wright was charged with felony possession of a short-barreled shotgun or rifle and misdemeanor disorderly conduct while armed. According to the criminal complaint, Wright said he was angry because his Lawn Boy wouldn't start Monday morning. He was quoted as telling police: " The aliens are pissed because I quit communicating with them and fucked with my lawn mower so it won't start. So I killed it. I can do that, it's my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want."
The funny thing is that when police showed up they checked the gas tank of the mower and it was empty, so he didn't have to kill it, just fill it. The court has ordered a psychiatric evaluation of Wright.