Konlobos - with a "K"

I haven't paid much attention to blogging stats lately.

Last night I took a look at my stat compiler and was surprised by a few things.

First, readership is growing far beyond the UCF commenters. I'm averaging around 200 hundred unique visitors a day, and some days it's much higher than that. As usual the highest visit days are Monday and Tuesday, and the lowest is normally Friday and Saturday. The highest drawing post ever on Stonekettle Station was this one, where I reviewed the Delorme PN-20 GPS unit. That review got linked to a number of backpacking, geocaching, and GPS interest sites and pulled in over 1200 visitors the day after it was posted - and it continues to draw in one or two visitors on a daily basis. The second highest drawing post was this one, about Chief Warrant Officer Edwin Hill and his actions during the attack on Pearl Harbor. This was also my favorite post of anything I've yet written and also continues to draw in at least two visitors a day. A number of links continue to pull in visitors from various military forums regarding my posts on waterboarding, torture, and the stinking Patriotic Act.

So, that's cool.

What's less cool are some of the searches Stonekettle Station gets included in.

For a long time the phrase "Laura San Giacomo nude or naked" was the most common search to hit on my site. This amused me. I think quite highly of Ms. San Giacomo as I've mentioned here and there, I think she's a fine actor and quite attractive. However I do not now, or have ever owned nude photos of her and wouldn't post them if I did. It amuses me that people come here looking for such things.

The search phrase "Alaskan Birch Bowl" or its many derivations is also a common hit for my site, which of course would figure. And I'm good with that too, in fact I'm more than good with it.

But a review of my search stats for the last two month shows something that creeps me out more than a little bit.

It also pisses me off.

A while back I posted a snarky bit about my travails with the tech support department of one of the companies I do business with. In the comments section, in response to another commenter, I quoted the movie, The Rundown, as in "Konlobos, with a 'K.'"

Konlobos, for those of you who are not Dwayne Johnson fans and somehow missed a truly funny movie, are supposedly South American fruits that induce short term, total paralysis in anybody who consumes them. Konlobos are also supposed to be quite tasty.

"Konlobos" is the number one search item in my stat counter by a large margin, and has been for the last two months. I'm looking at fifteen hits for it this morning. Here's a couple of the search phrases:

"how long does somebody stay drugged with konlobos"
"do girls remember anything if are givin konlobos fruits"
"can you taste konlobos juice in a drink?"
"mix alcohol with konolobes"
"konlobos and diet coke dilute the effects"
"ruffies, konlobos where can i get them?"

Getting the idea here? There are more search phrases than just the ones I've listed, some are pretty dammed explicit and extremely disturbing ("does konlobos paralyze a girl no matter what i do to her?") and it's fairly obvious why these scum sucking bottom feeders are running the searches they are. These searches are coming from many places, so it's not just one sick, twisted little date rapist hiding in his mom's basement. Though there is one persistent son of a bitch in the LA area who keeps searching for "where to buy konlobos" on a weekly basis.

I titled this post Konlobos with a 'K' specifically so that anybody searching for this item finds this post. The following is addressed to these people in particular:

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Attention Sick Pathetic Fucks:
A couple of things,

1) You are sad, sick, pathetic little fucks. No don't look away, I'm talking to you, you cowardly shitbags. What's the matter? No self esteem? Girls were mean to you and now you're going to get even? Or is it just too much effort to be a decent human being? You must be a hell of a man if you have to drug a woman (or is it another man?) into sex. Or do you drug them so that they don't laugh when you take your clothes off?

2) Men who drug women or other men for sex are called rapists. That's you, or at least what you're contemplating. Date Rape. It's not a funny party trick. Rape. It's a hideous, heinous, revolting violation, a crime of the worst kind. And when they catch you, and they will, you'll spend the rest of your life finding out exactly what it's like to get raped, in prison, daily. And you'll deserve it, every demeaning, emasculating second of it. Over and over.

3) You are not just contemplating rape, you are contemplating (hopefully, just contemplating at this point) becoming a sexual predator. That's what it is when you research your crime beforehand, when you assemble the drugs in advance, when you go into a situation intending to drug and rape someone. A sexual predator, that's what you're thinking about becoming. Carry through on your sick little fantasy and you're liable to become familiar with some other drugs, specifically sodium thiopental, Pancuronium, and potassium chloride which are the ingredients of the lethal injection cocktail used to execute condemned assholes just like you. I'm not big on the death penalty, but I will tell you right up front that given the opportunity, I'd be perfectly happy to push the button myself, you stupid sick bastard.

4) Konlobos is a fictional fruit. A movie prop, nothing more. It doesn't exist and never has. The fruit shown in the movie is a Hand Pear, dressed up in Hollywood makeup. But, please, don't believe me - keep looking for it.

5) You better hope you never cross my path. Really, you better hope that above all things.

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It's going to be a while before I take a look at my stats again, I've got enough things that piss me off without that.