Super Dooper Extra Special Tuesday. Whee!

I'm not sure, but I think it's an internet law enforced by the blogospherical police that today you have to post about politics. (Blogospherical: like the internet, only more ball shaped. Remember, Kids, you heard it here first.)

Down there in the south (that's you folks, below Canada), things are playing out along fairly predictable lines. In the lower 48, it's politics as usual.

So, to summarize:

Democrats:

Clinton, blah blah, get health care insurance or go to jail. When she preached universal health care as First Lady instead of being a quiet innocuous little housefrau, people hated her pantsuited cast iron guts. If she had just redecorated the Lincoln Bedroom, or maybe started some vacuous feel-good First Lady program (Just Say No to the Uninsured!) she would never have ended up in the middle of that Whitewater Scandal. Twelve years ago people blamed her for her idiot husband's Oval Office dalliances. Now, well, eight years of Bush is making the Clinton years look pretty damned fine indeed. But I've got to wonder if it's the same kind of nostalgia that makes Russians look back now on the Soviet Union with fondness.

Obama, blah blah, look at me - I'm JFK! Teddy and Maria said so! Truthfully, I have a hard time snarking on Obama because I rather like the guy. But, I've got to tell you, it cracks me right up to see the epitome of jowly Old White New England Roman Catholic Money endorsing an African American with Muslim ancestry. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I find humor in the situation.

I do find it vastly encouraging that the two primary Democratic candidates are minorities, and they both have a better than average chance of making it to the White House - more than anything it reaffirms my belief in the rightness of the fundamental principles of this country. It occurs to me though, that both may owe a debt of gratitude to George W. Bush. Seriously, if he hadn't been such a horse's ass of a President, neither Clinton nor Obama might have had a chance. I'd love to see President Clinton or President Obama personally thank him for exactly that in their acceptance speech.

Republicans:

McCain, blah blah, I'm a liberal conservative! (I'm too sexy for my party, too liberal for my Limbaugh, too ... sorry). The white haired frothing conservatives who hated McCain eight years ago now love the man, Rush and Ann The Man exempted of course. Eight years ago service in Vietnam meant exactly jack shit to these people. Eight years ago McCain just didn't have the dynamic charisma and charm of his opponent (warning sarcasm, don't step in it). He wasn't Christian enough. Or something. And so they went off and voted for Georgie Boy. Now suddenly, McCain is a smiling war hero who will win the hearts and minds of Iraq. Color me skeptical here.

Romney, blah blah, I'm in the house that Reagan built! Oh please. The GOP has been eaten alive by the fundie Christian dinosaur hearders. McCain may be too liberal for Rush, but Romney doesn't believe in Jeebus. If they do nominate Romney, well, I would consider that an encouraging sign for the GOP. I wouldn't vote for him, and that's got nothing to do with his religious beliefs, I just don't like his slick and smooth delivery. He's a con man, in the best used car salesman vein.

Huckabee, blah blah, I'm still in the race! Yeah, whatever Huck. Give it up, you're done now.



But, here in Alaska things have taken a more surreal turn.

Republolibertain:

Paul: Guns, we need more guns! He's amusing from a shear determination standpoint. He's firmly convinced he will take Alaska - and he just might do it. His supporters are out in droves, braving seriously sub-zero temperatures, waving their little signs and grinning like they are on field day from high school (which, if the crowd on the 4-corners in Palmer this morning was any indication, they are). Alaskans have always marched to the beat of a different sled dog musher, and we don't much give a shit what the rest of the country wants. Ron Paul seems to resonate with Alaskans, at least more so than the others.

Wouldn't it be funny if he won? Think about it.

Obama: Holy Shit! I'm Black. I've got teh Muslim in my blood. And now I've got the Kennedy Seal Of Approval. I won't last a week! I'm outta here!

Clinton: Bill! Is that one of my 19-year feminist campaign workers under your desk? Don't try to hide it, I can smell the cigar smoke you bastard! (She suffers an apoplectic stroke, realizes she let her health insurance lapse due to pressing election issues and ends up in the Emergency Room at NY General, where she languishes on a gurney lost in the corridors, trying to keep her fanny from falling out of her little paper gown. Bill makes time with the nurses)

McCain: Ugh! (and dies of natural causes. It was just his time, past it actually).

Romney: My scalp is burning! Holy Moly! My hair jell is alive! (he survives, but is scared for life. And without Perfect Hair he's basically got nothing.)

Huckabee: Whatever.

And Paul wins the White House! He immediately brings home the troops and distributes their weapons to the general population. Armed and newly Libertarian, America is reborn! Health care? Shoot the sick! Works for horses, works for people! Yeehaw, that's how we do it in the Lone Star State! More barbecue for the rest of us! No Child Left Behind? Not if they're armed! An AK-47 and a box of RAC hollow points and who needs an education! Survival of the fittest. Illegal immigrants? Open season, Baby, and screw the limit! No taxes! None. Oh, yeah, it's going to be a great day!

What? It could happen.


Go, vote your conscience. And have a fine Tuesday. I'll be in the shop, listening to Dire Straits and making sawdust.


------------------

Update: the minute I pushed the publish button, the WV results came in and Huckabee is the clear winner. Romney is second. And McCain is not even on the chart. Wow. So, what the hell do I know? Not much, apparently.