Things, they are gonna change, part 6

Warning: Ranting follows.
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Standards are important. Yes, they are.

Don't think so? It's bad enough when auto manufacturers use some goofy counter-intuitive set of switches for seat adjustment, or put 40 controls on one single 'multi-function' stalk so that every time you want to signal a lane change you end up talking to the On-Star operator. But, what if every auto manufacturer used a completely different setup for controlling their cars? How would you like to have to hunt for the gas pedal or the brake every time you got behind the wheel, or the yoke, or the joystick, or the neural interface? See what I'm getting at here? In the early days of the automobile, the Model-A used a hand throttle control - that's right, no gas pedal. Eventually some smart guy came up with a different idea, and for better or worse that became the standard, and even Henry Ford adhered to it when he started making the Model-T. Hell, cars made in Russia use the same controls. It's a standard, and that's just the way it is.

Oh sure, there are those people that just have to be different, either because their minds truly do work at an angle 90 degrees from the norm, or because they have different physical requirements, or just out of sheer perversity - that's why Apple makes the Mac.

However, if you're like 99% percent of the universe and you use a PC, well, here's the thing:

Microsoft won. Get over it.

Look I'm not exactly a big gushy Bill Gates fan either, but it is how it is. If you're writing software for the Mac, more power to ya, do whatever the hell you want to, be creative, unzip your hippy-organic-hemp cutoffs and piss on the standards, screw the corporate straitjacket, stick it to the Man. Great. Power to the People and vote McGovern (or Ron Paul), whatever. Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll. Peace man.

But if you're writing software for the PC, then adhere to the fucking standards or I swear to God I'm going open the gun safe and come pay you a visit.

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Attention Symantec, makers of the Norton products - you suck. Your website sucks. Your product interface sucks. Your subscription renewal 'process' sucks. The fact that you've decided to hide the Norton Internet Security Add-on pack as a secret download, yet still advertise it as an included feature on the webpage and product box sucks. Your technical support sucks. Your embedded help sucks. Your on-line knowledge base sucks. The fact that you have over-priced your piece of crap product by roughly 300% above what it's actually worth sucks. You are up to your corporate necks in massive suck. If you sucked any more, it is entirely possible that the suck factor in your immediate neighborhood would surpass the Hawking threshold, resulting in an implosion and catastrophic collapse of the local Swartzchild Radius and the formation of a new black hole. I.e. You SUCK! The only reason you are still in business is because you've got a fat, juicy government contract to supply suck to the US Military and other Government Agencies - that and the fact that your chief competitor sucks even worse than you do.

Let's start with your interface - as noted above, Mircosoft won. The Windows look and feel is the PC standard. Learn it, adhere to it. Twenty years ago, Peter Norton was a genius. I still have a copy of his DOS Bible around here somewhere. The fact that you bought his name and company does NOT make you equally brilliant. The real key to going your own way, different from the accepted standard, is that your way must be better. Your maverick methodology must NOT suck giant donkey turds - Yeah, yeah, I know they didn't teach that in your MBA courses. Trust me on this, your professors assumed you wouldn't have to have not sucking actually spelled out for you. I am sick and tired of trying to figure out where you've hidden the controls in your idiotic, irritating yellow interface. Every other PC software product on the market - including freeware written by pimply faced Emo's hiding from the world in their mom's basement - adheres to certain simple standards. Since you are all obviously white collar retards who can't understand basic technology without a Power Point Pie Chart, let me draw you a picture: If I need the software version and registration numbers for my product, any product (except yours), I click 'About'. I don't have to spend twenty minutes looking for it, it's always under the 'Help' menu. Where the fuck is that information in Norton Internet Security 2007 or 2008? Where? This is not a rhetorical question - I'd like a goddamned answer. If simple information is not readily obvious and available to the user, well, that's a pretty good indicator that everything else is pretty much going to be a giant pain in the ass too. I don't give a flying fig about your ongoing battle with Microsoft, fix your interface - and while you're at, it find something other than 'urine sample' yellow for your corporate colors (though I do get the whole "let's piss on our customers" connection. Ha ha, very funny), for example - let's trying using the Windows User selected colors, skins, and style, you know, the standard for modern Windows programs. Retards.

Second, your webpage is a giant stinking pile of total festering pustulent flatulence obviously designed and administered by one of the those aforementioned world-hating angst-ridden sexually-frustrated emos. Have any of you ever actually tried to find anything on your webpage? Your online tech support is an abomination. And somebody please explain to me what the deal is with that add-on package for Norton Internet Security. Why, why, why must I download the Anti-spam, Anti-phishing, Parental Controls add-ons? Why is this software not on the disk? Why is it not part of the download? Why? I paid for it, and I want it, and I don't want to have to screw around about it.

In summary, just as soon I have a better option - I'm jumping ship. I have no loyalty to your shitty product at all. You are NOT edgy mavericks, those days are long gone - instead you're a bunch of irritating assholes. You want my business, then pull you corporate head out of you ass and get with the program.

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Guess what I spent the morning doing? If you guessed renewing and upgrading my security software you've been paying attention. Good job.

And we now return to our regularly scheduled weekend.

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Things, they are gonna change, Part 5
Things, they are gonna change, Part 4
Things, they are gonna change, Part 3
Things, they are gonna change, Part 2
Things, they are gonna change, Part 1