The Insane Clown Posse Drinking Game

 

Me: So, GM reports highest profits ever. 

Him: Well. Yah. Whatever.

Me: So, it looks like the auto industry bailout wasn’t such a bad idea after all, eh?

Him: I never said it was. 

Me: Bwah? Never said it was? You’ve bitched about the bailouts like every single time I’ve talked to you for the last three years!

Him: Barry is busy taking credit for saving the auto industry.  Must be an election year.

Me: The hell?

Him: And it wasn’t “bailouts.” It was TARP and it was actually Bush’s idea, Barry just took credit for it. Bush gets credit for saving Detroit. It sure as hell wasn’t your boy. Barry hates big business. Hates it. He’s just doing what he always does, buying the Union vote with our tax dollars.  You don’t see him bailing out small businesses or non-union companies do you?

Me: Jesus Haploid Christ, Dude, you’re mixing all kinds of shit together and anyway, now TARP is a good idea? Seriously? Exactly how much of that Kool-Aid did you drink? Because I think you might need to call Poison Control…

 

In retrospect, maybe I should have advised him to call Alcoholics Anonymous.

 

The absurd amount of paint-chip eating, baboon faced, nose picking, dimwitted verbal diarrhea in this election season is fast approaching a level of frothy double-thinking stupidity that even an avowed political junkie like yours truly finds simply astounding.

During the Super Bowl, an American icon narrates a commercial about optimism and bringing jobs back to a depressed American city and buying a Chrysler – and the noose and torch waving extremists led by Karl Rove go absolutely monkey shit, accusing Clint Eastwood, Clint The Man With No Name Eastwood for fuck’s sake, of shilling for President Obama and being anti-American. Clint Eastwood. Because, optimism, you see, is obviously a communist plot by Muslim Bilderberg Illuminati to save one of the largest remaining American industries and a couple million jobs in the Midwest in order to destroy capitalism, kill Jesus, bring about the New World Order, and turn our internal organs into a tasty nacho cheese flavored paste, or something, maybe, I’m a little hazy on the details, whatever. The important thing is that only gun lovin’ war mongerin’ Jesus humping rightwing extremists can be patriots.  Optimism equals Liberalism equals terrorism, that’s a tip from Homeland Security, kids, write it down. Also, Clint Eastwood obviously hates the Jesus and he’s probably gay, somebody check the bumper of his Prius for a Jebus Fish. (Aside: you ever notice how Karl Rove bears a really striking physical resemblance Major Toht, the creepy Gestapo guy from the first Indiana Jones movie? What? I’m just saying it’s a weird coincidence is all. No, no, never mind, I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about).  Republican Funnyman Mitt Romney condemned Obama’s bailout of Detroit, but then immediately explained how he, himself, as president no less, wouldn’t have let “automakers be liquidated” – despite personally penning a piece in the November 2008 New York Times entitled (and I quote) “Let Detroit Go Bankrupt” (and I unquote).  Everybody clear on that?  If Obama bails out Detroit, it’s anti-American socialist cheese making with ass-buggery by Clint Eastwood.  But if Romney, the guy who made two hundred million dollars by liquidating companies and who specifically said in writing that automakers should go bankrupt but now says he was just kidding, ha ha, if he says he would have bailed out Detroit, well, sir, that’s, um, well, not socialism. 

I guess it depends on why you bailed out Detroit. 

Do it to save two million American blue collar jobs, it’s socialism. 

Do it to make grotesquely rich CEOs and white collar venture capitalists even more grossly richer, it’s double-plus extra special American cheeseburgers with sparkly bald eagles on top shooting red white and blue bottle rockets out of their assholes while the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders sing a Country and Western version of God Bless America.

Remember, folks, ObamaCare = OMFG! Nazis! 

RomneyCare = uh, well, ur, OMFG! Look over there! Clint Eastwood is totally ass raping Jesus! And he hates puppies! And white people! It’s Twue!

When it comes to oral gymnastics, Mitt Romney is far more gifted than Linda Lovelace ever was. If politics doesn’t work out for him, he should seriously consider hardcore porn. For Romney, it’s basically the same thing and you don’t have to wear a tie – unless it’s the Horny Governor and the Nympho Intern script.

Yesterday, Congressional Conservatives just gave up.  John Boehner threw in the towel. Fuck it. Fine. Keep your stupid un-American payroll tax cuts. Fine, just fine. Make Jesus cry. Jerks. Whatever. Stupid voters.  Boehner himself was nearly in tears because congressional republicans, after fighting tooth and nail for tax breaks for the wealthiest 2% of Americans, were being blamed for wanting to raise Social Security withholdings on the middle class. Boehner felt it was just so monumentally unfair of Democrats to take advantage of the Republicans’ clearly stated position during an election year, because, of course, Boehner himself would never ever do such a thing. No Sir. Nope. Never.  The Speaker shouldn’t have worried, like my friend up above there are still plenty of loyal Kool-Aid drinkers.  Take Douglas the Yahoo Commenter:

Obama doesn't want to help the MIDDLE CLASS , he wants to GIVE MORE to the LEECHES !!! [sic]

Apparently we’re now defining leeches as those Americans (and non-Americans) who have jobs and pay taxes.  See, what we are in point of fact talking about here, by definition, are payroll tax breaks. Payroll tax breaks. Payroll.  Pay. Roll. Payroll tax breaks. The idea is you get less taken out of your paycheck (an amount equal to about one small tank of gas per month if you want to get specific about it).  Generally, you have to have a job to get a paycheck in order to have FICA withheld.  We’re now calling those people “leeches,” please note the change and use the term appropriately in official communication.

Meanwhile, The Newter still wants to cut government spending and eliminate the National Debt by declaring war on Iran and building a ten gazillion dollar base on the lunar surface manned by poor children who learned their astronaut skills while working as janitors in the Gingrich After-School Program Of Jesus Flavored Capitalism in order to spin magic moon dust into phallus shaped starships and shower the golden gospel of Trickle Down Reaganomics throughout the universe.

Rick Santorum thinks “We have to be concerned” about the very poor. And of course the best way to do that is to deny them access to healthcare and make them have unwanted babies.  Birth control  and prenatal care are for people who love Jesus and can afford to fly to Costa Rica for a secret abortion.  That’s in the Bible, you can look it up, it’s right next to that part about how filthy flawed dirty slyly sinful whorish womankind should cheerfully marry their rapists and love them long time forever bang bang while bearing their children which, by the way, are a gift from God (Violated? Sorry about that, here have a baby as compensation!) – or be stoned to death, whatever (Christianity, religion of love, not like that Muslim stuff. Not at all. Nosiree).  Foster Friess, Chief bankroll  of Santorum’s SuperPAC suggested today that woman should use the Ann Landers Birth Control Method: 

This contraceptive thing, my gosh, it’s so expensive. Why, back in my days, they used Bayer aspirin for contraceptives. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly.

Heh, heh, conservative gals just love that joke. Because they are filthy harlots.  Santorum himself said that he thinks access to birth control is destroying our civilization, and that it has “serious long-term consequences to the society,” and that he doesn’t “think it’s a healthy thing for our country.” However, when questioned about his clearly stated position, i.e. that God hates birth control because he prefers to kill babies off himself, Santorum said that, well (insert shuffling feet and darting eyes here), um, women should maybe have access to birth control because, and dig this, because there “is a difference between policy matters and religious beliefs.” 

The Fuck?!

No, seriously, What. The. Fuck?

Okay, Rick, then let us discuss a woman’s right to access an abortion. Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? Holy Mother of God (everybody, swear like a Catholic!), even Jesus Christ thinks you’re an asshole.

Honestly, this guy is so full of shit that I’m tempted to ask gay people to give up their definition of “Santorum” and allow me to redefine it as “Jesus Christ! Run for your lives! It’s cannibal Nazi clown zombies riding robot polar bears that shoot killer bees out of their eyes while flaming babies fall screaming from a bright orange sky and explode on the sidewalk like water balloons filled with chunky spaghetti sauce! Also, anal sex.”

And finally, there’s good old Ron Paul.  Still being ignored by the media. Except when he’s garrulously whining about how the media is paying too much attention to him. It’s feast or famine with this guy and nothing in the middle.  I’ll say this about Paul, he’s consistent. Consistently nuts. Consistently last. Somebody remind me how many primaries he’s won (It’s ok if you include the 2008 primaries too, I don’t mind)?  How many? It was a big round number, wasn’t it?  Of course, of course, it’s all the fault of the evil liberal elite media run by evil liberal elitists of evil.  If only they’d write a totally non-biased article about Dr. Ron:

Presidential shoe-in and certain victor, Dr. Ron Paul – Favored of Jesus, Super Genius, War Hero, Leading Economist, Olympic Champion, Ball Room Dancer, Chess Master, Tutor to Chuck Norris, Juggler of Chainsaws, Vagina Whisperer, and all around Purveyor of Tasty Nacho Flavored Awesomeness – now leads the GOP presidential field from an enviably position of fourth place…

It’s pretty obvious that Democrats like the GOP line-up a hell of a lot more than Republicans do.

And for good reason.

Because it’s hysterical.  It’s just plain fucking hysterical that this insane clown posse is the best they can do.  I mean, come on. Romney, Gingrich, Santorum for fuck’s sake, and Ron Paul. That’s it. That’s really it?  Those are the choices?  This is what it’s come down to? Really?

It’s enough to drive you to drink, isn’t it?

Sure it is.

And you know what? I say, to hell with it, let’s drink.

Alcohol, in copious amounts, is the only way we’re going to get through the next year. Trust me on this, my shiny electronic friends, I was in the Navy, I’m a professional.

Let us drink.

In fact, let’s make a game of it.

Every time somebody says Obama is a Muslim, take a drink. Liberal Elite? Take a drink. Stem cells? Drink! Iran? Drink! Bailouts? Gun control? Drink! Drink! Banks, birth certificates, and babies? Drink! Drink! Drink! 

Sarah Palin? Shotgun a tallboy and burp the William Tell Overture like D-Day from Animal House!

Romney put his pet on the roof of the family truckster? Chug a beer from the dog bowl! If he mentions Obamacare, it’s flaming shots made with isopropyl alcohol and Hospital lime Jell-O! Don’t worry about the wood grain alcohol making you blind, the hospital Jell-O will probably kill you first.

Newt says build a moon colony? Hang from the doorjamb in gravity boots and let’s do upside down Margaritas! Four or five of those babies and we’ll be swapping wives! And, we’re already wearing gravity boots! Now if we can just find a hooker and a rubber chicken…

Anytime Ron Paul says End the Fed, we do boilermakers made with Dos Equis and a double shot glass of Geritol.

Whenever Rick Santorum says Rape Babies, take two roofies and chase them down with a box of cheap wine. If he talks about your sex life, it’s Tequila Sunrises made with grenadine and a dash of KY! If he blames his wife for something he wrote, slap the nearest harlot on the ass and send her to the store for a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon and there’s a good girl!

And any time any candidate mentions abortion, drop a raw egg into a test tube of formaldehyde and swallow it whole.

 

Now you try.

 

If you need me, I’ll be at the liquor store.